Thursday, December 07, 2006
My friend Erik is very funny. What I can't figure out is if he really likes me and wants me to enjoy his laughter or he actually despises me and wants me to die and be miserable. Because we have been friends for quite awhile now, I am going to assume that he doesn't hate me, but it's questionable.
In the mail yesterday, I recieved a note from Erik and a cutout from a magazine. The note said something like this: "I saw this and thought of you. If it weren't so completely useless and I weren't so cheap I would buy it for you." The magazine cutout was of a Cat Lady Figurine. And no, I don't mean CatWoman from Batman. I mean, like a creepy a cat lady who is old and dirty and has lots of cats. The cat lady stands at 7" tall, comes with 6 separate cats to place strategically around her, and 2 cats that protrude from her nappy hair and pant leg.
Via email yesterday, Erik sent me this: "I saw this. I laughed a lot. Then I thought you might like it. I ate a Nutri Grain this morning, and somehow... it didn't have quite the same effect." http://youtube.com/watch?v=XbFLhbJRt_E
Either Erik likes me or hates me. It's all up in the air right now.
I NEED a catlady figurine. Need it.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I hope he doesn't mind that I am stealing his 'notes' from Facebook, but who cares.
Displaying all 5 notes by Joshua.
On the subject of subjugation
by Joshua (notes) 9:05am Thursday, Oct 26
According to facebook, I can't be in a relationship with myself. This is horse shit. I mean, I'm with myself every day, and I know myself better than anyone. I can't break up with myself just because facebook doesn't approve of our relationship. What am I going to tell myself when I ask myself why I'm not in mentioned in the relationship status? Am I hiding something from myself?
The New Style
by Joshua (notes) 10:53am Saturday, Oct 21
This new trend of women wearing tights is ridicolous. They're not hip. They don't look sexy. And oversized sunglasses aren't appealing either. So cut it out already.
On the subject of Communists
by Joshua (notes) 1:39pm Thursday, Oct 19
We should feed North Korea to China.
On the subject of objective thinking
by Joshua (notes) 5:20pm Tuesday, Oct 10
Well, I failed my math test. I've been failing math tests since math tests and I ever met. I mean, simple multiplication, addition, subtraction, and division are simple. But algebra, MOSTLY algebra, doesn't make any sense to me. The introduction of imaginary numbers is absolutely puzzling. It's like introducing an imaginary wallet into an equation when I have to pay. It's neither here nor there. It's just a waste of time. It's entirely too two dimensional. Not to play on words, but criminy. So, I guess I'll study hard for the next three tests, and with any luck, I'll finish the last math class of my life with a 70. If not, don't be surprised to hear about some arson on the local news. I won't burn anything useful. Just maybe a couple city halls or a mall.
Monday, November 27, 2006
I have no respect for myself or the ones that I care about.
This is just before Don won the 8 mile Turkey Trot in Dallas. He came in first place of the dogs**!!
**This information has not been independently verified. We just told him that to make him feel better. But no dogs passed us and we couldn't see any other dogs in front of us, so it can only be assumed that out of 30,000 people, my dog was the fastest.
Monday, November 13, 2006
"You can be classy, conservative AND have a dick in your mouth at the same time." In reference to the slutty virgin on The Bachelor.
"Friends don't let friends have lonely assholes." In reference to his gay lover.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
TommyB took me on a romantic ghetto-way to Puerto Vallarta last week. I have included some of the better pictures...
If you look closely, you will notice the 2 men holding hands. One of these men has on extremely short shorts and Tevas with socks...I think the other man may be Tommy. Ha.
More lovely pictures will be added as soon as I can bring myself to upload them. On a serious note though, the trip was amazing and I may very well be the luckiest girl in the whole world. Everybody should give TB a hug today - he deserves it!
And just for grins - you can watch Faith Hill NOt win Artist of the Year here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyZRiEJnIag
Thursday, October 19, 2006
One of my favorite things about living in the ghetto is that regardless of day or type of weather, you can always find an ice cream truck driving down the street. The ice cream truck comes EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every day. Seriously. The first time I heard the truck, I got so excited that I locked myself out of my house. Now, when I hear the 'do your ears hang low...' song, I generally wish I could slam my head in the sliding door of the ice cream truck.
Sometimes though, it gets evern ghetto-er and the truck doesn't come, but don't you worry, the people in the ghetto still need their ice cream...they hire an ice cream bike. Same concept, just with a bike...it has a little cooler trailer behind it. Not as much music, but I am pretty sure he has a horn.
I mean, I like ice cream as much as the next guy, but how many popsicles in the shape of Mickey's head can you really eat in a week? If you asked the people on my street, they would say at least 7.
Viva la ice cream truck.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
This may be the funniest, most creepy, slightly disturbing thing I have seen in awhile. Enjoy - http://www.bikerfox.com/foxphotos2/ The BikerFox won't let you down. You wish that he would, but he never does.
Monday, October 16, 2006
This weekend was Wehner Weekend IV - where my first fish camp gathers each year in October to reminisce about the days of old. Very similar to Muster, just without the candles and the addition of a few beers.
We drank, we bowled, we drank, we danced, we played 42, we drank.
On Friday night, Tommy became enraged with a deer head that he knocked from the wall. The deer fell off the wall, his antler tore a hole in TB's shirt, cut his back and fell to the floor to amputate one of his antlers. The deer is only half as deerly as he was before. Tommy's response to the situation was, "That deer is an asshole". He didn't quite seem to grasp the fact that inanimate objects can't be assholes.
Of course, he doesn't remember any of this.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I spent my day in training (well, my whole week actually) and today we practiced using a tool called JMP (pronounced JUMP). It's good fun. It's a statistical tool that allows people are unfunny to remain unfunny. Statisticians, while rich, are never funny. Ever. Especially today.
JMP is a tool that will let you evaluate lots and lots of data at once - very similar to excel, but much harder to use. Well, similar to Excel, when you input data it spits out a graph...sometimes. The difference is, when JMP spits out a graph, the instructor calls it 'eye candy'.
Yes, eye candy. Like a hot chick (or dude). My statistician teacher man was referring to graphs and charts as eye candy. That's just wrong.
We took a tally. He said eye candy in reference to a graph 7 times in an hour long module. There is nothing right about that.
And you wonder why I drink.
Monday, October 09, 2006
"I went to the movies on Friday night with Keith—we saw The Departed—it was GREAT! To top it all off, there was a man in the theater who may have had some mild form of Turret’s Syndrome. Whenever he sneezed (the count got up to 4), and mind you, it was the loudest sneeze that you’ve ever heard, he’ yell, at the top of his lungs, ‘f-you’. It was hysterical!!!!"
Yesterday at the park, me and TB were playing with the Don. We saw an older couple cuddling on the other side of the park. It was cute. Then the man mounted the woman. That's not cute. It's just inappropriate. And then he started taking off her shirt. Of course the shirt never came all the way off and of course it wasn't a man. It was 2 chicks. Humping at the dog park. And no, they weren't hot. I mean, we thought one of them was a man for awhile. Don wasn't scared of either of them, so we knew they couldn't be men. Ha.
I am watching The Bachelor right now and there is a chick on here with exceptionally pouty lips. There is no way in hell those lips are natural. It makes me uncomfortable just looking at her. Apparently her name is Gina and she accepts the rose. Stupid fat lips.
I just don't have time for the blogging. I am sorry. Lots of funny things happened today on the way to the forum though. I'll try and remember them.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
I'm sorry that I am such a bad blogger, but life is busy. Do you want me to come out and drink beers with you? Or sit at home and think of funny stuff to blog about?
This blog will discuss the differences in bread and bread by-products.
Bread comes in loaves. Bread by-products do not. Bread by-products come in noodle, crust, and chip form. Bread by-products MAY be slathered in cheese of any sort - preferably cheddar. Bread may NOT be slathered in cheese of any sort, especially American.
American cheese should be outlawed by the American government. I have never been so ashamed of the country in which I live as when I am forced to smell the rankness of American cheese. American cheese is wrong. American cheese = communism.
Other cheeses that are wrong: anything that crumbles under the weight of a feather. This includes several types, but namely, bleu and feta. Bleu and feta cheeses are wrong. Cheese should not feel like corn poop in your mouth (cottage cheese is also wrong for this reason). Cheese should be hard and/or gooey, but never EVER crumbly. EVER. If you can't spear it with a fork then you shouldn't eat it. If God wanted you to eat it, he would have made it spear-able.
Grilled cheese sandwiches are wrong. Cheeseburgers are wrong. Egg and cheese biscuits are wrong. Any type of casserole where cheese is melted on rice is wrong.
Cheese on noodles is right. Cheese on pizza is right. Cheese on chips is right. Any type of non- crumbly/non-American type of cheese is right.
Go forth now and spread this knowledge to your people. Thanks be to me for this message.
Apparently sales at Krispy Kreme have drastically declined since I took my No Donuts Vow on December 19, 2005. I have not consumed a donut since December 19, 2005. Let me clarify: I have not consumed a DONUT since December 19, 2005. This does not include all food stuffs purchased from ye olde donut shoppe. Kolaches are not donuts. Muffins are not donuts. Bagels are not donuts. Donuts are donuts. If it isn't actually CALLED a donut, it isn't a donut and therefore, I still eat it. Unless it is bread covered in cheese.
Krispy Kreme Sees Decline in Sales
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. (AP) - Krispy Kreme Doughnuts said Monday it expects to report a loss for the second quarter and predicted a $30 million decline in revenue for the period because it has fewer company-owned stores.
The company's announcement said it expects revenue in the quarter to drop from $140 million last year to $110 million this year. Systemwide, sales fell about 15 percent, the company said.
The company also said its financial results continue to be adversely affected by legal and regulatory costs.
Despite the gloomy results, company Chief Executive Daryl Brewster said Krispy Kreme was making progress.
"In the United States, we saw signs of stability in company stores as evidenced by average weekly sales trends," Brewster said. "We also advanced our international expansion plans with the signing of franchisees in six new markets."
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Yes, I have gotten a few complaints about my lack-o-blogging. I am sorry. But don't you worry...my life still sucks, I just haven't had time to write about it.
And I think my friends are busy too because they have failed to entertain me with their humor. You guys suck.
So basically, my life is busy and I don't have time for any fun and all my friends are boring wads of paper. Great.
I DO have funny stories from Vegas, but I can't write about them...email me and I will fill you in. Ha. Hahaha.
Now I am off to an emergency meeting with my boss. That's NEVER good.
Hugs and kisses to all my fans out there.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Bad things come in 3's. By 8am, I was 2/3 of the way through my bad karma.
I had fantastic intentions of getting to work at 6am this morning - I really wanted to get out early so I could shop for sparkly shirts to wear in Vegas before my haircut. Unfortunately, my plans were dashed by my burnt out fuel level indicator light. I ran out of gas at 5:45 this morning. "Luckily", I was cresting a hill at the point of empty and was able to cruise the rest of the way down the street and across the highway.
I was able to turn the corner, at which point I jumped out of the jeep and began to push my car the 100 yards uphill to the Valero station. Lovely. Bear in mind, this is Houston and the humidity level is at 100% and it was 6am so the dew was still stagnating in the air. I was unable to get the car close enough to the pump, so I had to buy a gas can. Me and 3 other men were unable to figure out how to use the new fangled gas can, so I just poured the gas in the tank...this resulted in my hands also being covered in gas.
I get enough gas in the car to pull up to the pump and save what is left of my outfit and smelly hands. I fill up, blah blah blah. Go home, change, dry my hair, redo my makeup...still can't get the gas smell off my hands. Go to work - I finally arrive at 7am. So much for sparkly clothes shopping. I wash my hands for the 13th time. Still can't get the smell off.
Me and my smelly hands ( I can smell them right now) go down to get breakfast. On the way, someone decided to slam my foot in the door. Really hard. So hard that we may have to do surgery here at work today. It tore the leather up on my shoes. Bad news. (fyi-that's the second bad thing that happened). Then I tried to eat my grapes, but my hands smell so bad I was totally grossed out. This could be pivotal in my dieting plan.
Nature is out to get me. I hate today. I'm just waiting for the third thing to happen. I will probably slip and fall down the stairs and break my face or something. Lovely.
Karma is paying me back for something...I need to figure out who I pissed off!!
Monday, July 31, 2006
Let's take a poll. We were discussing in the car yesterday, on our way back drom Dallas, about adult relationships. A friend of ours seems to think that while on vacation it is acceptable for you and your significant other to shower together in a public place so that all your friends may watch you - AND that it is acceptable to photograph the event. In some cases, these people may/may not be participating in intercourse.
Your thoughts? Is this normal? Or am I prude?
Seems like porno to me.
Friday, July 21, 2006
I have a friend named Ryan, who, unbenownst to me, 'writes' comic books. (Do you write comic books? Or draw them? I dunno.)
First of all, I did not know comic books still existed. Secondly, I did not realize people still read them and thirdly, I definately did not know that people actually wrote them. Regardless, apparently they DO exist, people DO read them and I have a friend who writes them.
He is a finalist in a comic book competition in Cali - he is there right now promoting it (or something). Anyways, do my pal Ryan Burton a favor and vote for his comic book - http://www.comicbookchallenge.com/index.html - so he can win the challenge and go to a comic book convention just like in Chasing Amy.
Vote for Ryan Burton. He is awesome and his comic book looks pretty cool (although, if we are being honest, I have no basis for that opinion whatsoever). It's called the 6 Sinners or something. Go Ryan Go.
I'll delete this post after the competition is over so he doesn't get cyber-stalked or anything.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I have been having some really effed up dreams lately. Nightmares, wierd stuff, you name it, I dreamt it. I thought maybe it was the drugs I was on from when I was sick, but I haven't been taking them this week, so that doesn't really essplain anything. Apparently, I am just a wacko. My mom is going to the the rapist, so maybe I should too.
Last night, I dreamt that I was on So You Think You Can Dance. But as most dreams go, it wasn't really anything like So You Think You Can Dance. I was supposed to dance with 2 other girls and we were dressed like super heros. I was Wonder Woman. But of course, I looked nothing like Wonder Woman. I DID, on the other hand, paint my fingernails black and use the nail polish to paint a 'W' on my shirt.
At some point, we were in Galveston on a moving island or something and there was a sphere where bikers can ride the full circle - go upside down and stuff. I guess, the Wonder Woman outfit made me feel like I could ride the full sphere. Whatever. So I did that. Then it was time to dance - although we never actually got to the part where we dance.
They had forgotten to teach me the dance, so I was a little freaked out. Catwoman and She-Ra were trying to teach me everything I needed to know, but I wasn't getting it. She-Ra just told me wing it. Basically, they just wanted me to stand in the back and freestyle. Very unfortunate for any TV viewers out there. At this point, Cat Deeley comes out and tells me that it's ou turn - She-Ra, Catwoman and I (Wonder Woman) all prepare to walk on stage. It's at this point that my alarm goes off. I have no idea how I did. Do you think America would have voted me off?
Kick off that Martha chick. Her feet are nasty.
Random facts that I recall from the dream:
My skirt was knee length and very teacher-y. It was silk, but it was pleated. Not in a hot 'school-girl' kind of way.
Catwoman was not nice.
My shirt was a blue baby-tee with a 'W' I painted on it with black nail polish.
The skirt and shirt did not match.
The boat or whatever we were on in Galveston had something I was standing on that I could have fallen off of and died, but I was unconcerned.
I had never ridden a bike before I felt the need to ride all the way around the sphere thing.
On So You Think You Can Dance, you apparently have to do your own hair and makeup. I apparently have never done hair or makeup before.
She-Ra may or may not have had a girl crush on me.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Erik sent me this a long time ago. He can predict the future and he he likes to play the 'Where Will Everyone be in 30 Years Game'. It's fun unless he predicts this:
Apparently, according to Erik, I will live alone. And by 'alone', he means 'with 5,000 cats'. I will have a long braid and I will wear thick sweaters all the time. I will take long bubble baths and read trashy romance novels.
Unfortunately for me, I hate cats. So 'alone' will actually mean 'alone'. Hahaha. But regardless...shortly after telling my fortune, he sent me this article...it is soo gonna be me (sans kitties):
Elderly woman hoards more than 300 cats
Animals 'were coming out of the cabinets and drawers,' say police
WASHINGTON - About 300 cats, nearly a third of them dead, were removed from an elderly woman’s Virginia home after neighbors complained of a stench coming from the house, police said on Tuesday.
The house, less than a mile from late President George Washington’s historic Mount Vernon estate, looked neat from the outside with manicured lawns and bright flowers, but inside it was overflowing with wild cats, feces and urine.
“Cats were coming out of the cabinets and drawers and were inside the walls. There were hundreds of them,” Fairfax County Police officer Richard Henry told Reuters.
He said animal control officers removed 273 cats — 86 of them dead — over the weekend and slapped a condemnation order on the door of the house. The woman, her husband and daughter were told to leave.
Later on, Henry said, the woman returned and attempted to smuggle an additional 30 cats from the house. These animals were confiscated, bringing the total to more than 300.
Ruth Knueven, 82, was charged with failing to care for her animals and of improperly disposing of them. Dozens of dead cats were found in plastic bins around the house.
Most of the cats were inbred and sick and were unfit for adoption, said Henry. “These were feral cats who were given free range of the house and almost all of them will, unfortunately, have to be put down,” he said.
Two weeks earlier, a 58-year-old woman in nearby Falls Church, Va., had her home condemned after neighbors complained of an overpowering stench coming from the property. She had hoarded 88 cats and 29 of them were dead.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Ever have the problem of catching a ride with someone whose car doesn't have much of a back seat? At times like these, it is important to know the rules of calling shotgun. Never again will you let someone take advantage of you because you don't know the rules.
Section I - General Rules
1) The first person to yell "SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat.
2) The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call "back right seat", etc..
3) The word "shotgun" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if it isn't his car, and the owner is present, the owner's decision is final. Owner must be sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)
4) Early calls are strictly prohibited. All occupants of the vehicle (including the driver) must be outside of the building and directly on the way to the vehicle before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may a person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, a garage is considered to be outside. Parking structures and detached garages are always considered as being outdoors, even if they are underground.
5) A person may only call shotgun for one way of a trip. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
6) Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat.
7) One is allowed to ride shotgun as many times as he can call it, but for himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower friend, unless the friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling it for themselves.
8) The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.
Section II - Special Cases
These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.
1) In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
2) If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
3) In the instance the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
4) In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
5) In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
6) In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.
Section III - The Survival Of The Fittest Rules (a.k.a The Bastard Rules)
1) If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival Of The Fittest Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting 1.8, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.
2) The driver must announce the institution of the Survival Of The Fittest Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.
3) Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule 1.8.
Section IV - Revisions
1) These rules shall be subject to either revision or amendment at any time. But, changes and new rules you create during a car ride do not take effect until the next car ride.
2) Since there is an established body currently in place to distribute world-wide information, it is proposed that the United Nations oversee the adoption, updates (as required) and enforcement of these rules once adopted by at least two-thirds of the current membership of the UN.
3) It shall be the responsibility of all drivers to have a current copy of these rules in the vehicle's glove compartment, so that disputes may be resolved.
Section V - Amendments
Amendment I: The Laser / Shotgun Double Barrel Rule. A person may call "laser" or "Shotgun Double Barrel" after shotgun has been called, to override the shotgun call. This is only valid if the driver verifies the call as we see in Section 1.3. Additionally, any passenger who says "No Blitz" after claiming shotgun, may not have it taken away by either the "Laser" or "Double Barrel" rules. These rules hold no precedence over Standard shotgun procedure, and the driver has final say in all calls.
Amendment II: The Specific Amendment. Any person who wishes to claim shotgun must actually pronounce either the word "Shotgun" or "Gun." One may not say the name of a type of shotgun, such as "12 Gauge." If a passenger does, then he or she can lay no claim on shotgun, and may be called by another person.
Amendment III: The "House" Rule. The Owner of the vehicle decides which Shotgun Amendments to institute on his own car. All passengers must abide by the rules of these Amendments, which are stated in this document. This Amendment clarifies that not all Amendments need be active at any given time.
Amendment IV: Eviction. If the vehicle is forced to stop for a serious infraction of the Shotgunner, the Shotgunner must relinquish his/her seat, if the driver so wishes. Serious infractions have been known to include spilling alcoholic beverages, spilling any beverage, being annoying, breaking parts of the car, and in extreme cases, just being ugly.
Amendment V: The Shotgun Clause. This rule native to the south, but practical in many northern cities, states that the potential occupant with the largest caliber weapon on their person defaults to shotgun, unless one occupant is actually armed with a shotgun, in which case he gets shotgun. If two or more occupants actually have shotguns, then the over/under barrel configuration rules.
Amendment VI: The Reserve Shotgun Amendment (Bitch, Spanky, Comm and SAM). After Shotgun has been called, other patrons may call "Bitch," "Spanky," or "Comm," referring to the seat behind shotgun, the seat behind the driver, and the center back seat, respectively. SAM applies to the hatchback or trunk.
Amendment VII: Navigator. The passenger who has shotgun MUST serve as Navigator. By this, he must watch out for signs and intersections that the driver may miss during the course of a road trip. The Navigator must also ask for directions out the window. It is also the responsibility of the passenger who has shotgun to take control of the radio and air conditioning, however the driver has final say over the settings. The other occupants of the car can also have an opinion. If the passenger with shotgun is caught forgetting their duties and makes the car listen to commercials and/or bad music, then his privilege can be lost. Of course, this is all in good judgement of the driver. As Navigator, the driver may also ask him to operate other devices such as the windshield wipers, and rear window defroster. It is also the job of the Navigator throw all trash and empty beer bottles out of the window. The beer bottles must be crushed under the tires to destroy all evidence, in case of an emergency situation.In addition, the Navigator must possess the ability and the will to insult other drivers and be heard, only if they deserve it (ie: being cut off). This is to allow the driver to continue to operate the vehicle properly.The Navigator must possess the ability (and the will) to roll down their window and invite any chicks in adjacent cars to the driver's destination.
Amendment VIII: First Blood. This rule from the mid-west states that whoever draws blood (supposedly when the Survival of the Fittest rules are in effect) gets shoved in the back of the hatchback (or trunk) with the spare tire.
Amendment IX: Australian Shotgun. Originally from Australia, if two people tie for shotgun, then the first person to put their thumb on their head is awarded shotgun. If they both do this at the same time, then an immediate pissbolt (race) to the car is required.
Amendment X: Five Minute Rule. This rule, which originated in Massachusetts, states that in the event that the passenger riding shotgun leaves the car (ie: to get something from his house or a convenient store) is allowed 5 minutes in which to return and still retain his shotgun privilege. If he does not return within the time frame allotted, another passenger may take his place. There are other variations to this rule such as the "Two Hour Rule," but these usually result in the shotgunner geting beaten up by the other passengers.
Amendment XI: Awnings. Once all passengers have exited through the final doorway on the way to the car, (provided the car is in view), they are considered outside and may call shotgun no matter what covering is overhead. This rule applies to all awnings, covered decks and all outdoor shelters. Garages are considered outside so long as the door is open.
Amendment XII: National Bitch. This rule alters Amendment VI, where the caller of "Bitch" gains the center back seat. Comm is replaced with "Spanky 2," referring to the seat behind Shotgun.
Amendment XIII: Refueling. In addition to Amendment VII, if the car needs refueling at any time, it is the duty of the Shotgunner to gas up the car and pay (though usually with money given by the driver).
Amendment XIV: The Race. If there is a tie when calling shotgun, the first person who touches the car wins.
Amendment XV: Ozzie Pissbolt. If the driver gets confused or annoyed with chaotic rules arguments, he may shout "Ozzie Pissbolt," suggesting that the first person to touch the car is awarded shotgun.
Amendment XVI: Jedi Run. If the car is not within sight of the driver, and significantly far away, so that the proposed walk to the vehicle is neither linear nor within five minutes, the initiating party may call "Jedi Run" after a successful shotgun call (vehicle visibility is not required for this success). She must then beat all other opponents to the vehicle. In order to secure shotgun, the initiating party must not be out of breath or tired by the time the rest of the troupe arrives. This overrides any other countermeasures for shotgun if executed before they come into effect.
Amendment XVII: Alternate Names. This amendment adds additional aliases.Shotgun may also be called under the following aliases: Gun, Shogun, Catgut, and Shotty. Bitch (as in, behind shotgun) may also be called under the following aliases: Rightsies and On-The-Rightsies SAM may also be called under the following aliases: Turrets
Amendment XVIII: Alternative Seats. In addition to Amendment XVII, anyone who wants to be duct-taped to the roof calls "Mir!" If a trunk is present in the vehicle, then this "seat" will hereby be recognized as "Ex-Wife."
Amendment XIV: The Recall Rule. Once a passenger has called shotgun, another passenger may call "Recall Shotgun," thereby overriding the shotgun call and claiming shotgun for themselves. In order for this not to happen the first passenger must call "Shotgun, No Recall." This rule is similar to the "No Blitz" call.
Amendment XX: Reversion. If the original caller of shotgun lost their seat to some countermeasure, the initial caller may shout "Same Seatsies" to regain their right to shotgun. In addition, "Double Barrel" and "Laser" may be followed by "No Blitz," so that the original caller cannot regain their shotgun right. "No Blitz" and "Same Seatsies" are synonymous with "No Recall" and "Recall Shotgun," respectively.
Amendment XXI: Duel. In such a case where any present shotgun rules still causes confusion between two individuals, they may duel for the honor of Shotgun. This duel takes the form of one (and only one) round of traditional "paper, rock, scissor." Alternatively, this may be replaced by one (and only one) round of "odds or evens."
Amendment XXII: Chinese Sneak Attack. In the event that someone manages to touch the car's handle, and/or is in the car before anyone called shotgun, then they immediately receive the shotgun priviledge. However, this amendment does not apply to someone who ran to the vehicle in question in order to do so.
Amendment XXIII: Broken Seat. In the event that the front passenger seat in the car is extremely uncomfortable (i.e. has a big hole in it), the passenger who called Shotgun must sit in that seat. The other passengers may ridicule him as they wish.
Amendment XXIV: Smoking. In the event that smoking is allowed in said vehicle, smoking passengers are given consideration over non-smokers in order that they may utilize either the window or ashtray. In the event that there is more than one smoking passenger, the passenger that has already lit-up has Shotgun privilege over those who are not already engaged in the act of smoking. In the event that more than one smoker is already smoking while on the way to the vehicle, the driver may enforce The Survival of the Fittest Rules or First Blood Rule. This however, is not recommended do to the high risk factor to the vehicle in question. As stated in Section I Article 8 of the Constitution, the driver has all final say in disputes between passengers.
Amendment XXV: Secondary Passenger. If a passenger is "just along for the ride," then they must sit in the back seat (or worst seat, if the car is otherwise full), because the ride is not for them.
Amendment XXVI: Double Shotgun. This rule from Delaware states that if a given passenger calls a valid "shotgun", then he or she may not say "shotgun" again. By calling "shotgun" a second time, he or she would automatically forfeit their seat and shotgun is reopened to the other passengers. Other passengers are allowed to try to trick the person who originally says "shotgun" into saying it again, in order to claim shotgun for themselves.
Amendment XXVII: Contraband. In the event that the car is about to pass an abandoned case of beer, pornography, or any other form of contraband that the passengers might find useful in some way or another, it is the responsibility of the passenger riding shotgun to open his door and scoop up the said beer, pornography or contraband, while the car is still in motion. Additionally, if the car is moving at a speed above 15 M.P.H. (24 km/h) the passenger riding shotgun may decline to do so.
Amendment XXVIII: No Bitch. This rule states that once Shotgun has been called by one of the passengers, the remaining passengers may call, "No Bitch." The passenger who calls "No Bitch" last, or fails to call it at all, is forced to ride bitch.
Amendment XXIX: No Chauffeur / Compulsory Shotgun. In the event that there are fewer passengers than capacity would allow, there must always be a passenger riding shotgun. This would include a couple. This is to prevent the driver from feeling ditched, or like a chauffeur.
Amendment XXX: Seniority. In the instance that one of the passengers is much older than the rest of the passengers, he/she is automatically given Shotgun unless they decline.
Amendment XXXI: Ten-Foot Rule. This rule native to Myrtle Beach and Charleston, SC, states that once a passenger has called Shotgun, another passenger may call "10 Foot Rule." In this case, there would be an immediate race for the car. The first passenger to come within 10 feet of the car is awarded Shotgun.
Amendment XXXII: Backfire. This rule from Central NC states that if a passenger has shotgun on a trip, and then calls shotgun for the return trip, any passenger may call, "Double Shotgun Backfire," to prevent a single passenger from dominating the front seat.
Amendment XXXIII: International Travel. When crossing the border into another country. All shotgun claims are void, and passengers may once again call shotgun. If another passenger gets it, the driver must pull over at his earliest and safest convenience.
Amendment XXXIV: Context. A passenger may only receive shotgun if he says shotgun within the context of calling shotgun. For instance, a passenger may not be awarded shotgun if he says, "Did anybody call shotgun?," or if he/she was talking about a shotgun.
Amendment XXXV: Language. If you reside in a non-English-speaking locale, Shotgun must be called by its native word. For instance, in Sweden, the word "Hagelbossa" must be pronounced, while in Germany, "Schrotflinte." Shotgun may be called in any language the driver is fluent in. "Fluent" is described here as being proficient enough in a language to understand conversation exchanges. Order of preference rewards the language closest to the native language of the locale in which Shotgun is called. For instance, if the call is made is Sweden, and the only calls were "Schrotflinte" and "Escopeta" (Spanish), respectively, the seat will be given to the second caller, as German is closer-related to Swedish than Spanish is.
Amendment XXXVI: The Eviction Notice. Particularly crafty individuals may override a yet-to-be-made Shotgun call by leaving a note, clearly visible on the passenger-side door, with the word "Shotgun" written legibly on it, following the author's name. So long as no Shotgun call was made before the message was seen, the writer of the message is awarded Shotgun. Other calls relating to Shotgun may also be made in similar manner, including such calls as "No Blitz", "Laser", etc. The execution of the written "call" goes into effect as soon as someone has seen the writing. Calls made prior to this override the note.
Amendment XXXVII: No Hump. Local to Toronto, ON (Canada), this rule is relevant if there are five passengers in a car that has only four seats. After a successful Shotgun call is made, the remaining passengers may call "No Hump" to avoid sitting on the hump between the two back seats. The individual failing to make the call, or the last person to make the call, must sit on the uncomfortable, ball-breaking hump. This is a much-feared "seat" to Camaro and Firebird passengers.
Amendment XXXVIII: Eagle Scout. An addition to Amendment XXX, it is the duty of the Shotgunner to spot all speed cameras and police cars that could pose a threat to the driver and car. If the vehicle is stopped because the Shotgunner failed in his duties, he may be banned from riding Shotgun for a period of time dictated by the driver.
Amendment XXXIX: Shotgun Suicide. If the Shotgun caller attempts to open the car door as it is being unlocked (thus causing it to stay locked), he immediately loses Shotgun priviliges for the upcoming ride, and a new round of calling Shotgun must be executed.
Amendment XXXX: Multiple Vehicles. In the case that there is more than one eligible car to make a trip, the owners of their respective vehicles may not want to drive. In these cases, they may force their colleagues to waste gas by proclaiming, "Shot Not". A successful call will not only save them gas, but will award them shotgun in another vehicle. If there are more than two vehicles that can be driven, "Shot Not" can be followed by the name of the car's owner who the caller wants to have Shotgun in. If "Shot Not" was called, but the car in which preference was called for has already had a successful Shotgun call, the individual still need not drive, so long as there are other potential vehicles whose drivers did not make successful "Shot Not" calls. Once non-drivers have been eliminated with successful "Shot Not" calls, all non-Shotgun riding passengers may choose seats in the typical manner (ie "Bitch", "Comm", etc.) followed by the driver's name of the car they wish to travel in. A passenger is not guaranteed a particular seat in a vehicle unless the seat specified and the car specified is legal (ie, it has not yet been called). "Shot Not" may be called under the aliases of "Shot No Drive", "Shotgun Not Drive", and "Shotgun No Drive". For efficiency-sake, "Shot Not" cannot be overriden with rules such as "Laser".
Amendment XXXXI: Multiple Calls. This happens when multiple groups of people are meeting at one car, and both groups had someone claim Shotgun. If it can not be determined who made the call first, the dispute is settled with Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Amendment XXXXII: Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Section II, Article 3 of the Constitution states that , "In the instance the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline." In addition, serious Boy/Girl friends should also receive preferential treatment in regards to shotgun.
Amendment XXXXIII: The Couples Rule. In the event that a couple is traveling together, they must both sit together in either the front or back seat. This is so that people without boy/girlfriends, spouses, lovers, or prostitutes, can talk amongst themselves in the hope of acquiring boy/girlfriends, spouses, lovers, or prostitutes.This rule however is null and void if the The No Chauffeur / Compulsory Shotgun Rule is in effect.
Amendment XXXXIV: Balking. If you have called Shotgun and are waiting for the doors to be unlocked, you are not allowed to lift the handle during the unlocking, causing the other doors to remain locked. This voids your right to Shotgun.
Amendment XXXXV: Abandonment. If the Shotgun occupant leaves the vehicle (even if they plan to come back), the Shotgun seat is up for grabs. One exception is if the Shotgun rider leaves to do a deed for the driver, like buying cigarettes or pumping gas. In those cases, that person retains their Shotgun rights.
Amendment XXXXVI: The Handicapped. Section II, Article 6 states that preferential shotgun treatment may be offered to anyone "too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat". Preferential treatment should be awarded to the handicapped as well as to these genetic misfits, especially if the injury prevents them from achieving maximum leg room, maneuverability, etc. (as might be the case with a broken leg, foot, etc.) Unlike with Section II, Article 6, however, the handicapped are not to be taunted as with the genetic misfits if not awarded shotgun. Otherwise, taunting is okay.
Amendment XXXXVII: The Bribery Amendment. In the event that the shotgun call ends up in a tie between two passengers, the passengers in the tie may attempt to bribe the driver so that the driver makes the call in their favor. This rule is null and void, however if the driver institutes the Survival of the Fittest Rules. Examples of bribes are money, food and soda.
Amendment XXXXVIII: The Full View Amendment. The automobile must be in full view of all passengers before "Shotgun" may be called.
Amendment XXXXIV: The Second Call Amendment. If a given passenger calls a valid "shotgun", then he or she may not say "shotgun" again. By calling "shotgun" a second time, he or she would automatically forfeit their seat and shotgun is reopened to the other passengers.Other passengers are allowed to try to trick the person who originally says "shotgun" into saying it again, in order to claim shotgun for themselves.
Amendment L: Voiding. Whenever you break a Shotgun rule, you may be voided from receiving Shotgun privileges for that ride.
Amendment LI: Long Trips. The rules listed in our guide were created for short trips (1 hour or less). On longer trips, Shotgun can be divided equally among those who want it.
Amendment LII: The Rock Amendment. This rule states that once a passenger calls "Shotgun," he must also say, "No Rock." If the gunner does not say this, another passenger may call, "Rock." In this case Shotgun is awarded to the winner of a best of three, Rock, Paper, Scissors contest.
Amendment LIII: The Rotating Shotgun Rule. This rule is native to a suburb of Philadelphia, PA to ensure that everybody gets shotgun at least once per long road trip. • Before the first ride a passenger will call shotgun under the normal procedures, as stated in Section I of the Official Rules. • Once a passenger has had shotgun, he or she may not have shotgun again until everyone else has had shotgun. • Before the second ride, everyone (besides the person who has already had shotgun) competes for shotgun under the normal conditions. • This continues until the trip has either ended or if everyone has already had shotgun once. Once everyone has had shotgun, the "shotgun order" has been established. You must now rotate in that order. • The shotgun order recycles over and over until the trip is finished. • Person(s) joining the trip after the first ride are entered into the order by the following process: ----Clause A: On their first ride, the calling of gun is between that person and the person whose turn it is in the shotgun order. ----Clause B: if the order has not yet been established, the new rider is entered into the pool of riders calling for shotgun. • Driver still has final say in all ties and disputes. All rules from the Official rules, including special cases, and the Survival of the Fittest, are still in effect.
Amendment LIV: The Barefoot Rule. Since you must be outside to call Shotgun, some people will just grab their shoes, run outside, and call Shotgun before putting their shoes on. This is not valid. You must have your shoes on (if you plan to wear any) before you may call Shotgun. Amendment II: Re-entry. If you call Shotgun and then go back inside the building, you lose your Shotgun rights. While you are gone, someone else can call shotgun. If nobody does, you can call it when you go back.
Amendment LV: Hand On The Shotgun Door. Shotgun can no longer be called once someone's hand is holding the shotgun door handle. This is significant when nobody else is around to hear you call shotgun.
Amendment LVI: Sitting Down. By sitting in the Shotgun seat before anyone has called it, you get to stay there even if somebody calls it afterwards. Nobody needs to hear you actually call shotgun.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I am starting a new entry for quotes because the other one got too long and it was starting to irritate me...
He held the cucumber for too long. - Gary
Christy's grandmother's nana is mangled. - Bill
Hey baby. I love you. Can we pierce your clit with a diamond stud? - Bill
I figure that if she dies, I have a better chance of picking her up. - James from Weatherford
She is dancing with the TV. - Catherine
(7/11/06 - KTRK/HOUSTON) - Sophisticated graffiti artists have left their mark near downtown Houston.
Someone covered up a billboard on La Branch at Winbern with a poster featuring a picture of Jesus Christ holding a Budweiser can. The company that leases the billboard believes vandals made the poster at home and then pasted it on top of the ad that's supposed to be there.
It shows Jesus holding a Budweiser in between the phrases "Jesus, King of Jews" and "Jesus, King of Beers."
"I thought that was just crazy," said commuter Jose Cazares. "It looks professional too."
Neighbors say the billboard has been up there for a week or more.
Remind me why people hate Houston? That's just good humor right there. I love this town!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
These are 2 snippets from emails I have received this week. I will take them out of context, but trust me, they were either just as offensive or just as funny in context as they are out.
You're not dumb, and there's no need to hate yourself. You have plenty of friends who will gladly hate you instead.
Unfortunately, I took the resolution after last weekend to never drink ever again. It's my weekly Monday morning resolution. On Tuesdays, I usually quit smoking.
My friends are funny. I am so proud.
In this article...
... there are types of orchids that smell like female wasps, so that the male wasps will get horny and attempt to mate with the flower. This is how the flower spreads its pollen.
So let's summarize.. we'll call the orchid "Laura" and the wasp "Tony". Laura needs something (pollen) moved from one place to another, so she lets Tony believe he will be getting sex. So Tony shows up in a powerful hurry, and takes the pollen where it needs to be. In the end, Laura got what she wanted, and Tony just screwed a plant.
Memo to guys sweating in UHaul trucks this summer: you are Tony.
I'm gonna be moving soon and might need some help [batting my eyes and trying to create cleavage]...
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
As we all know I am easily amused. I mean, I bought my dad the exact same Father's Day card two years in a row. It was hysterical both times. At least we know we know I am in no danger of maturing any time soon. Anyways, these pics tickled me. Enjoy the artisty...it is divine...
So, there is a man with whom I am 'forced' to deal with on a weekly basis. We will call him Henry. I am not a huge fan. Henry thought it would be 'fun' for his girlfriend to come and join the party earlier this week. I thought I would be 'nice' and introduce myself. Let us not forget that I am typically not nice and I am especially not nice to people who are associated with people I don't like. Therefore, Henry's girlfriend was an immediate threat to my niceties. But I forged through it.
I went up to her and said, 'Hi, I'm Christy - we've heard a lot about you'. Which, of course was a lie, because men like Henry don't talk about their girlfriends...but whatever. Her response to my friendly greeting was 'okay'. Hahahahaha.
Me: 'Hi, I'm Christy - we've heard a lot about you'
Henry's GF: 'Okay'
Yea, please Henry's GF, don't tell me your name or try to be a decent human being. Just sit there and continue to look hungry. Henry, give the girl a sandwich. She's starving. But seriously, who responds with 'okay' to a polite introduction? Apparently, Henry's GF does.
Sooooooo...once more notch on the list of why I don't like Henry.
All of this after my horoscope said I would have a romantic evening on Saturday night...instead my man-toy fell asleep in lieu of picking me up for dinner. Stupid horoscope. More like horrorscope.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Quoteables...I am going to start a log of quoteable things me and my pals say. Email me if you remember something...
He must of had a 10 foot schlong. -My dear mother
Fried and weiner all in one bite!! -My dear father
Do we not have a toilet with two pots? -My mom
I have an aversion to kolaches after a night with the Scotsman. -Kate
I can't remember the name...Egyptian Monkey F*ck or something? -Mom
The moral of this story is to be careful around homsexual animals. And never wear beef scented panties. - Me
Throw it in her dumper. -Tye
Do you want some Cheerios? And by Cheerios, I mean, do you want to bang? -Zach
After we were done I made kids who misbehave pick up the tecticles with their hands. -Boot
It's like a Mike and Ike, but brown. -Kate
Did you know that if you search 'plastic surgery' on the internet, you can see penis enlargements? -Monica
Seriously, you're in a cover band. -Kate
I shit my pants, can I get in your yours? -Coy
I'd say that there is about an 80/30 chance. -Dan
Is that a monkey on that horse? -Jim
I mean, we had to have sex, I wasn't gonna put my hands or mouth on that thing. -anonymous
What the hell...did your father rape you when you were little? -Laura
Put the vagina away! -Paige
It's hot as crotch down here. - Janelle
Yeah, if Hitler had targeted cats instead of jews he would be on Mount Rushmore instead of the vilest mad man in recorded history. - Roy
What the hell is Laffy Taffy? Asshole? - Bartender at the airport bar
Why don't they have magnets with boobies and assholes? - Dani
No, dumbass. That would make her a sixteen-o-pus. - Kate
Dance on my pole. - Some guy at the beach
Open your throat and let it pour down. It's easier to swallow when you are on your knees. - LA Boyfriend
You look good for your age. - A sixteen year-old with a retainer
They make my stupid bird mouth look even birdier. -Jodie
He might as well have raised his leg and peed on you. - Unknown
I'll bring the crisco and the baby pool. - Zach
If I had known it was that kind of party I wouldn't have put my dick in the mashed potatoes. - Zach
It helps keep the stuff off the things they like to get on. - Cathy
Rumor has it that the Castleberry's get their meat for free. - Wehner
There's no such thing as lesbians. A lesbian is just a woman that hasn't met Tegwyn. - Wayne
Getting drunk before the play will also help you watch the sex scene between the two lead male actors. This is the approach I took before watching Brokeback Mountain the second and third times. - Wayne
I really like your sausage. -Mom
I like to drink heavily and use expletives. - Steve
The nachos I ate violated me at about 5:30 this morning. - Ed
The 1900's were 7 years ago, asswipe. -Ed
Here's a tip: Get a darker bra. - Bill
It's not like we were trollin' for ho's all weekend. - Ed
Life is beautiful to dumb people. I think that's why I'm so happy. - Christy
Who cares to survive? I just vive. - Victor
I'm glad we delcared our independence from you. - Laura
It's all about grabbing f*cking meat. - Bill
You can name it and you can pet it. - Tommy
Do you have nipples? Can you milk me? - Bill
You're not supposed to flash your children. -Mom
I could eat the butt out of a skunk. - Mom
I farted and sneezed at the same time. - Mom
It's kinda like eating a tampon. - Katy and Hokom (combined effort)
That's why he has fat crotch. - Katy
Sluttiness is just a bad word for freedom of mind. - Victor
"It's hard as shit to burn a motorcycle," said Ronan. "No it's not, it's easy," replied Victor.
Any sport that you can wear a cardigan in... - Richard
There is nothing wrong with a bit of veal. - Richard
I think your dong just touched me. - Jeff
Oh no ma'am, I'm hung like a pencil. These are just gelatinous drawers. -Roy
No sexual taking out the contacts. - An unknown party associated with Wehner
I'm a 'mo, ya know? - Danny
When my tow got carred. - Bill
Your liver will stop hating you the day it is removed from your body and begins it's life as a door stop in some doctors hill country retreat home. - Roy
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
So a friend of mine, okay, not MY friend, but a cousin of a friends mother-in-law's sister's daughter just signed up for myspace...this is an email from her (this is a real email, all we can hope is that she is kidding...):
"Oh, by the way, I signed up for the my space. Of course I didn't take the time yet to do the whole profile, but it did connect me with a really hot 30 year old single guy from California named Tom. At first I thought you did it as a joke, but it seems ligit! He says he is there for me if I have any questions. Hmmmm...let me think?"
I just want to give her a hug and a little pat on the head.
I really was getting depressed that nothing funny has happened to me lately, that is, until I got to work this morning and this little nugget awaited me in my inbox:
From: Jeff [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2006 6:52 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: Game Night
Oh, it's a known fact that I love The OC. I'm over the shame. But it is a little gee that Cohen is my favorite character. But, to put things in perspective, I'd make out w/ the characters in this order: Summer, the girls that Ryan has dated, Marissa, Anna, Marissa's sister, the moms, any other girls on the show, and THEN Cohen.
Monday, May 22, 2006
I went to Dallas on Saturday for a wedding and a bridal shower - both of which were excellently fun.
From Erik on Saturday before the wedding:
Subject: [Wehner] Marital Bliss
Date: Sat, 20 May 2006 10:06:37
In honor of Zach's impending marriage later today, I offer this: the new Official Biology Professor of Camp Wehner.
Quoth the wise man, "that's what SHE said!"
Highlights of the weekend include, but are not limited to:
1. A lifesize cardboard cut-out of Zach in his scuba gear - Scuba Zach crowd surfed and apparently crashed some other parties in the hotel.
2. Trying on some scary Roller Girl costumes with Amanda. You never know when you might need one of those.
3. Playing the guitar (well, I was listening) and having a typical Wehner sing-a-long. Baby got back.
4. Fighting over a piece of cake with the fam.
It was a good weekend totalling 9 hours of sleep in 3 nights. I could use a nap.
Friday, May 05, 2006
...especially if Saturday is like this...
Subject: white people
Date: Thu, 4 May 2006 21:17:48 -0500
This is a link to a college football blog I read. Now, you may be wondering why I am sending a sports link to my friend Christy, but I promise you this: skip the words and go to the video, and you will enjoy this. I will say no more - only remember this: you get to laugh AND tell people that you read a sports blog. In one day.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I just found this in my email while I was cleaning it out. I was amused. Not that it takes much to amuse me.
From: Mark (M)
Sent: Thursday, June 02, 2005 10:58 AM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Ode to Miss Benny
poor poor me
I am so low
my little Miss Benny
went to Mexico
I hope she has fun
I hope she gets tan
I hope she doesn't fall in love
with a little Mexican man
When she returns
I will be happy
Unless she doesn't bring me something
then that would be crappy
I'd like a shot glass, a sea shell
an ashtray from the cantina
a towel from the hotel
and a big breasted Latina
When people go to Mexico
they get pretty randy
drink lots of tequila
and eat lots of candy
If she gets really sunburned
oh, that will be the pits
and if she drinks lots water
she'll get a case of the ..... hiccups
Hurry back Miss Benny
we'll try to make it without you
but until you return
all my days will be blue...
Let me preface this with: The highlight of my trip with some co-workers this week when we got into a lengthy discussion about the encyclopdia brittanica. To quote John, " One of the most interesting encounters I have ever had with that 1962 encyclopedia brittanica..." Apparently, when John is out of books, he just plucks the DE-DU encyclopedia from the shelf and settles in for a night of enlightenment.
From: Elrie (E)
Sent: Tuesday, May 02, 2006 1:55 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: FW: Understanding Engineers
I can't help being weird. It's in my DNA.
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
(1)things that need to be fixed,and
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 3.
* Ford Pinto.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
This post will just contain all of the offensive and entertaining material I collected while out of town for 1.5 days. I would have thought there would be more, but this is high quality stuff - and let's pick quality over quantity. I discarded all emails referencing smiley faces, friendship letters and puppies.
I was unable to load the Midget Thai Boxing video, so if you are interested in seeing that, just let me know. I'll see what I can do.
Five reasons NOT to be a penis:
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
From Erik, who knows who brighten my day:
Now, Bill, I know you won't think it's funny, but just know that I may have peed a little.
I have only read the Best Buy one, because they are very long and, frankly, I probably need to do some work today. But I will assume that the others are equally as entertaining. If not, I give you the right to flick me between the eyes.
From Wayne, the British are a strange sort of folk...
The story of mayonnaise (well at least what we know): Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, theTitanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiments cheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered toMexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Happy Day everyone.
I really wish I could post the Midget Thai Boxing video. It's that good.
Monday, May 01, 2006
This story is two-fold, but all occuring on the same day. In neither of these stories do I get to have the sex. That's just wrong.
First-Fold: The story develops like this...In my laundry room/pantry/bathroom/garage entryway, I noticed a strange smell a week or so ago. As time passed the smell became stronger and I became alarmed. The room smelled like crotch. Man crotch, girl crotch, I don't care. It smelled bad. I couldn't figure out where the smell was coming from. I cleaned the entire room out. I did the laundry. I checked the dates on all the food in the pantry. I cleaned the bathroom. I lit candles. Crotch smell...still very prominent.
I am very bothered by this because you all know how I have a fear of being the smelly kid. Well, I try to forget about it, and get dressed to meet everyone for Coy's birthday party. I have on fabulous shoes and a clutch purse (that's it - ha. Just kidding mom) We dance, my purse clutched under my arm as a good little clutch purse should be, when Ed asks, 'How do you keep your purse from smelling like armpit?"
At this point, a little light bulb goes off. First, I smell my purse to see if it does in fact smell like my pit. It does not. It smells quite nice, as I will assume my armpits did also. I am a clean person. I bathe regularly. I promise. But the lightbulb reminds me of my dogs leash. When I take Don out of a run, I put his leash around my shoulder, so a large portion of the leash is under my arm (in the pit area). I tend to sweat when I run, and possibly get quite smelly. It IS Houston and I am running for at least an hour. So shuddup. Anyway.
When I return home, I grab the leash and take a big 'ol whif to see if that is the source of the crotchy smell. Yes. Yes it is. My dogs leash smells horrible. I threw it away. Don can't go on any more walks until he goes out and buys a new leash. Preferably one that has odor protectant. Possibly an anti-perspirant. Then he hid under the house. Dum mutt.
Second - Fold: So, we are at Coy's birthday party. In strolls a bleach blond babe in a white toob top, turquiose mini skirt and the tackiest white shoes you have ever seen. And by mini-skirt, I mean the skirts that most girls use a swimsuit cover ups on the beach. And by toob top, I mean it was mostly just covering the girls. And by tacky shoes, I mean that even the straight guys in the bar were commenting on how ugly they were.
The outfit is disturbing enough, but the story gets better. Trust me. HO-me Girl is sitting on the edge of the stage, letting her boyfriend/husband/whatever take pictures of her crotch. He would just tap her on the knee, and she would just spread those legs like she's done a hundred times. He would stick the camera up her very short skirt, so he didn't have far to travel, snap the pic and then of course, he would show the footage to anyone who wanted to see.
RRRRR you kidding me? I tried to get people to get a pic with my camera phone so I could post it on here, but then I remembered my mom reads this and that's just weird. So, just imagine. I'll assume it looks very much like a normal crotch in public.
Then Seth passed out Skittles and told people it was ecstasy - those little wannabe druggies just swallowed them things whole. That's just a waste of good Skittles.
Friday, April 28, 2006
After getting advice on bike helmets I sent this photo to Roy at 8:03PM:
What follows is the text conversation that ensued.
Roy 8:08: Dear God. Respect yourself.
Christy 8:15: If you want my body and you think I’m sexy…
Roy 8:13: That helmet doubles as a chastity belt if worn away from your bike.
Christy 8:19: You’re funny today.
Roy 8:20: That I am. U R 2 in that lid
Christy 9:37: It’s amazing that I even have friends. I pay them well.
Roy 9:39: Where’s my money? Don’t say it…I’m not a friend and therefore I get no cash.
Christy 9:41: I let you touch my boobies once. You can’t have it all.
Roy 9:42: Point made.
Christy 9:43: Ha! I win!
Roy 9:46: I wasn’t gonna say this, but since you’re gloating…Had I known there was a cash option, I might have passed on the boobies. O snap.
Chirsty 9:48: I hate you more everyday.
Roy 9:50: Good to know. Does that mean I won, or did we tie?
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
From: Kyle [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 12, 2006 3:54 PM
To: Dan; Froe Froe; Christy
Subject: Me and Froe's MTV debut
Froe Froe and I made a music video, Dan filmed it. We had a good time. The humor is infinitely multiplied with sound.
Okay, this is not really Froehlich and Kyle, but if it were, I think I would be madly in love with both of them. My favorite parts are the poses in the pool. Hey, Guy Number 1!!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
(sung to the tune of 'Celebration')
So, on Sunday, my plan was to sit outside in the privacy of my backyard in my swim suit, get a tan and read my book. As most girls know, when tanning alone in your backyard, you wear the smallest, most out of style suit that shows the most skin so you can get maximum tanning coverage. So, I am wearing a very scary, very small, bikini. I step out of my house, book in one hand, water bottle in the other, and shut the door.
Ooops. I locked myself out. Are you freaking kidding me? Luckily, my landlord lives 3 houses down. Unluckily, there are 5 houses being built across the street and my neighborhood is littered with construction workers. Having no choice, I trot my scantily clad and very scary self down to the landlords house. Well, mister landlord (Karl) has his house fenced in, like mine, but unlike mine, you can't open a gate and get to the front door. So I am standing in the middle of the road, yelling, "Karl! Karl! Maria! Karl Maria!! Karl Karl Karl!! After about 5 minutes of my screaming and construction workers hollering, Karl came outside.
I essplained the situation. I told him I was humiliated and could he please give me his spare key. He said, yea sure. Then he just wanted to sit around and chit chat. Oh yea, sure Karl, I would love to sit around and have some girl talk with you while I stand in the road in my barely-there bikini. I can think of nothing more exciting.
He finally gets the key. I trot back to my house and unlock the doors. End of story.
How does this crap happen to me? I had to buy a wrangler just I couldn't lock myself out of my car. How pathetic. It was definately the most humiliating thing that has happened so far this week. 4.5 more days to go. Oh gosh.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
So, me and some pals went to out on Saturday night. We met up with some other pals, who in turn, had some pals with them. So, we are in a large group at the bar, and we are all chatting.
There is a girl in the group, wearing one of those spaghetti strap tank tops that are fitted around the boobs and then baggy from the boobs down. Black with sequins...it was a cute shirt. I'll give it that. But when everyone at the bar wonders why the pregnant chick is taking shots, you might want to reconsider your outfit. She looked pregnant. Several months prenant. She was a thin girl...but that shirt made her belly look like she had stuffed a small stuffed penguin under there. It was the major topic of conversation.
Turns out, she was not pregnant...big surprise, Ms. Lush. But I advise all the women out there to verify with friends you can trust...not that girl who always tells you you look fabulous, because lets be honest, sometimes you look you got run over by a truck. Pick that friend who you can count on for the truth. You don't want to be the 'wanna-be prego-girl' at the bar. If you wanna be prego, pretending isn't the best solution. Take that penguin out of your shirt and get laid.
Results are not garaunteed, but highly probable.
For the rest of us, it made for a quality night of people watching.
The ladies in my office (there are only 4 of us), are always trying to set me up. Always.
This is an email from Cindy about the cute guy who sits behind her:
"He is better looking up close! He is an Architecture major/ooh! artsee babe. I know are looking for a geek…but u never know he may wear black socks with his running shorts!"
By George, I think they have it! They have finally figured out what makes my loins quiver. A man with black socks and shorts. The only thing missing is some suspenders and a wife beater with those shorts and you have my dream man.
I am proof that there is someone for everyone.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
In an email discussion with my French friend, Victor, I used the phrase "dumb as a doornail". Victor, being French and relatively new to the stupid things Americans say, did not understand what 'dumb as a doornail' meant, or what a 'doornail' was.
I think he figured it out.
From: Victor [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 1:49 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: RE: Geek Humour
After a bit of research, I think "dumb as a doornail" is a malapropism. The expression actually is "dead as a doornail." But I've heard "dumb as a doorknob," so you're not that far off from correct cliché usage. Dead as a doornail is an oldie. Even William Shakespeare used it a couple of times, as did Charles Dickens. Experts disagree on why doornails would be described as dead, though the alliteration is very nice.
The leading theory is that the doornail in question in this phrase, which can be traced all the way back to 1350, was a small metal plate nailed on a door that visitors pounded with the knockers attached to it when announcing their arrival. This poor nail would have had its life bashed out of it by visitors and their repeated rapping. Life (and any kind of intelligence) would eventually be pounded out of the 'nail' in that way. Although one might wonder why these doornails would be regarded as any 'deader' than say, coffin nails is a mystery. I guess this particular nail was clearly very unresponsive and dead to the constant assault, hence the saying.
I'm pretty sure 'malapropism' is a French word.
He also didn't know what a 'chubby' was. We are all hoping he uses it inappropriately at the workplace.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Well, maybe not. But Erik sent it to me, and apparently, we are the only 2 people in the whole of the universe that think this is funny (except for the people who wrote it - I'm sure THEY think they are funny).
I think it is hysterical. I almost peed my pants at the Chevy Trailblazer and the Salsa ones...did I mention that I was alone in my cubicle on a Saturday?? Either I am a complete tool with no sense of humor or you guys suck ace and I don't want to be your friends anymore. Odds are, I am a complete tool. I thank you for being my friend for this long. I pay you well, so I'm not surprised you keep hanging on.
If you know the people who own this website, let me know. I want to be their friend. I would fit in nicely.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I haven't gotten around to writing about Spring Break yet because there is just so much to say and so little time to write it, seeing as how I think I am a rockstar. First of all, we all know I am not a rockstar. Second of all, we all know that I have none of the qualities required to become a rockstar. So what's the problem? I'm an idiot. But regardless, I am going to list the topics that need to be covered in the Spring Break Recap so I don't forget any highlights. Then, later, I will come back and discuss them in detail. For now, just use your imagination.
Hector and his European friends with the little penises
That will pretty much cover the highlights of the trip. I'll write it eventually. I promise. This rockstar thing has got to stop. On Thursday. I'm not going out on Thursday. Don't even ask. I'll be sitting at home watching my TIVO. Until then...VIVA LA BEER!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Beto send this to me and his comment was, " I'm going to skip the first one, but HERE's a movie worth seeing.............."
Disclaimer: It's a joke. Laugh. If you're upset, call your mom. She loves you no matter what. My love highly conditional.
So, my friend Kevin, who is still in college at A&M lives in a house with 2 (I think) other guys.
Story set-up: While I realize this is the norm for college guys, it's still gross. The house is in Bryan, behind Northgate and is quite old. The living room consists of 7 couches, none of which match, none of which are even slightly clean and none of which I would dream of touching with my bare skin (elbow, foot, etc...), some very clever Kramer wall-art and a TV. The floor is sticky. There is crap everywhere. The stickiness continues into the kitchen where there are piles and piles of dirty dishes on top of even stickier countertops. A poker table doubles as a kitchenette - where I am certain no one in their right mind would actually eat. To the right is the "game room". The game room is where they store the kegs for their parties and if they did lots of drugs, this would be where they did it, but they don't, so it just looks dark and scary. Once again, we have couches and chairs...don't actually touch them. You might shrivel up and die. Down the hall, the sticky floor continues. Enter the bathroom and you enter the majesty that is a bathroom that 3 college guys share. Use your imagination. It's disgusting. Kevin's bedroom is actually pretty clean (considering), so we won't judge that too much. He DID let me sleep in his room when I evacuated for Rita...that bia.
Anyways, back to the meat of the story...
So, Kevin's house is filthy. Well, the boys leave for the weekend last weekend. The front door is funky and you have to shut it just right or it pops back open. Well, someone didn't shut it just right. It popped open. The neighbors, upon noticing this, call the cops thinking someone has broken into the house!! Mon dieu!! The Bryan Police, having nothing better to do, arrive quickly. They enter the house and after doing a thorough search cannot decide if the house has been broken into and ransaked or if these guys actually lived like this. After a few phone calls, everything was cleared up and it was determined that my friends live in filth. The guys are so disgusting that police, people who specialize in fighting crime and investigating crimes, cannot even determine if a crime has taken place. I mean, I think my house is gross, but I don't think cops would ever question whether or not I had been robbed.
Mops are our friends.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I respect the hell out of these people. http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2362369
Here's to you Mr. Donut Hamburger Inventor. Only a man could create a sandwich with 45 grams of fat. I'd take my hat off for you, but I can't get my fat arms up that high. Here's to you Mr. Donut Hamburger Inventor.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
From: Victor [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 09, 2006 10:23 AM
To: Christy (CM)Subject:
RE: Soccer schedule
Can I put this email on my blog? I don't have a blog but if I did I would. Because out of the context, that would be a great quote, maybe you should add it to your blog...
"I want a hot guy on my back...if I am gonna love him, I at least want him to be hot. Because we all know that looks are all that matter." - Christy, March 2006.
...Welp, I'm headed to Spring Break 2006 this weekend...I'll fill you all in next week on the diseases and nekkidness we uncovered on South Padre Island. I can't wait. 18 year-old boys...here I come!!!
How I have friends? I have no idea. How I graduated from college and got a degree? I have no idea. How someone, not only employed me, but hasn't fired me yet? I have no idea.
Today is Thursday. I paid bills on Tuesday. Brought said bills to work to mail (my mail person refuses to pick up my mail - or deliver it for that matter). Put bills in malbox. Today, of course, the bills had been taken to the post office to continue on their worldy journey. As I am walking down to the crapeteria at work, it occurs to me that I never put stamps on the envelopes. What an idiot. I should be shot. Or at least taken out of the human race. Stick me in the ape cage.
So I try and call all my bill people, but I can't remember what all the bills were for...phone? Electric? Gas? Insurance? Who the hells knows. All I know is that they are all due sooooon. I call around. Every person I talked to laughed at me. Is it really so uncommon? But, I think I got everything taken care of...the bill collectors won't be coming 'round the mountain anytime soon. I hope.
My brain is the size of a peanut. I'm like one of those huge dinosaurs with the tiny brains. Me = brontosaurus.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I'm not totally sure why we thought this would be a good idea, but I am young and stupid...and they are even younger, more stupid and impressionable. Sooo, I convinced my sister, her roomate, and her best friend to play Edward 48 Hands. Typically, this is a game played with 2-40 oz. beers and is called Edward 40 Hands, but we aren't so young and so stupid that we thought our bladders could handle that sort of torture. So we modified the game to 2-24oz. cans - hence, Edward 48 Hands. The guy at the gas station knows my sisters name...should I be proud? I can't decide. He sold us 24 ouncers and 2 rolls of duct tape. Object of the game: finish your beer without peeing your pants...cause you can't go until you finish the beer. Beautiful.
Good times with the hippies in Austin.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Email from Victor, my French friend who had never had a donut...until today. He said "I was impressed - not stroke by the magic - but impressed :)" But Victor has another addiction - Taco Bell. I can appreciate this.
In reference to my explaining about the donut-fasting:
From: Victor [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Friday, March 03, 2006 1:30 PM
Subject: RE: Soccer schedule
Oh, I took the same kind of resolution with fast food 5 months ago... When the Taco Bell window man knows you by your name and gives you free tacos, I think it was time for me to stop. It is now forbidden food. And I don't miss it. I don't miss it. I don't miss it :)
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
An exerpt about obituaries and funerals from "God Save the Sweet Potato Queens" by Jill Conner Browne:
"A good friend of Tammy's, Alex, said she doesn't care all what they say about her when she is gone, she just wants to be buried in cheese. She envisions a huge coffin-shaped hunk of cheese with a hollowed out space in the middle for her. She didn't specify a preference for the type of cheese, having never met one she didn't want to spend eternity with."
I don't know Alex, but I want to be just like her when I grow up. Although I do have a cheese preference...no crumbly cheese and no american cheese. Please and thank you.
(if you haven't read any of the Sweet Potato Queens books, go for it...they are hysterical. like, laugh out loud by yourself on the crowded airplane hysterical)
Monday, February 27, 2006
If you respect yourself as little as I do, you will think this is funny. If you respect yourself more than I do, you probably aren't my friend and therefore aren't reading my blog.
I recommend listening to 'Finite Simple Group' under the Media tab...hysterical. And totally dorky. http://www.kleinfour.com/
Support these nerds...buy their cd. They need all the money they can get...otherwise they will never get a date.
Donuts are my addiction and one great love. Hi, my name is Christy and I am addicted to donuts.
From the desk of Kate: http://lifetakesvisa.msn.com/default.aspx?source=email&keyword=WILL_POWER
I love donuts. I love donuts so much. Especially white frosted with sprinkles.