Thursday, September 14, 2006

Bad Blogger.

I'm sorry that I am such a bad blogger, but life is busy. Do you want me to come out and drink beers with you? Or sit at home and think of funny stuff to blog about?

This blog will discuss the differences in bread and bread by-products.

Bread comes in loaves. Bread by-products do not. Bread by-products come in noodle, crust, and chip form. Bread by-products MAY be slathered in cheese of any sort - preferably cheddar. Bread may NOT be slathered in cheese of any sort, especially American.

American cheese should be outlawed by the American government. I have never been so ashamed of the country in which I live as when I am forced to smell the rankness of American cheese. American cheese is wrong. American cheese = communism.

Other cheeses that are wrong: anything that crumbles under the weight of a feather. This includes several types, but namely, bleu and feta. Bleu and feta cheeses are wrong. Cheese should not feel like corn poop in your mouth (cottage cheese is also wrong for this reason). Cheese should be hard and/or gooey, but never EVER crumbly. EVER. If you can't spear it with a fork then you shouldn't eat it. If God wanted you to eat it, he would have made it spear-able.

Grilled cheese sandwiches are wrong. Cheeseburgers are wrong. Egg and cheese biscuits are wrong. Any type of casserole where cheese is melted on rice is wrong.

Cheese on noodles is right. Cheese on pizza is right. Cheese on chips is right. Any type of non- crumbly/non-American type of cheese is right.

Go forth now and spread this knowledge to your people. Thanks be to me for this message.


russogirl said...

Bleu cheese is awesome. So is feta. I do, however, concur on the inferiority of American. But dear God, woman, you dissed grilled cheese! I wanted to cry.

Talk to you soon.

Anonymous said...

I would go for the beer drinking option but I haven't had that chance recently. Does Christy still party in Houston?? I'm kidding. Good to hear from ya. Bad donut bad!

I asked for it... said...

Victor? Is that you? I need whoever this anonymous individual is to start signing your comments. I can't read minds. My brain is the size of a peanut.