Fluency at Life.

So they (they being the powers that decide who is cool and who is not) say you become fluent in a language when you start to think or dream in that language.  My friend, Kanon, moved to France and she said she knew she was fluent when she began talking for her cat (you know how crazy pet owners have voices for their pets?) in French.  When we went to visit, her cat would talk to me in French, with a French accent.   It was the craziest thing.  This was the same weekend that Tommy got drunk and put on all of his underwear...to prove some point that I am sure was totally irrelevant to wearing 2 weeks worth of underwear...but alas...the wine had been flowing, so I may have just THOUGHT the cat was talking to me in French...

Point of this story is to say that I have deemed myself officially fluent in the language of the deaf.  In my dreams last night, I kept saying, "what?" and "huh?" to the people I was talking to.  I mean, really?  In MY dreams, I don't know what the characters are supposed to be saying?  It just seems wrong that I should need them to repeat themselves.  I feel like my subconscious should be more efficient than that.  I only get a couple hours of sleep a night.  Do we really need to waste time having people repeat themselves?  Me and Mr. Subconcious will be having a chat ASAP.  Dreams should never be THAT similar to real life. 

[Sidenote:  I just tried to finish off a box of Lucky Charms only to realize there is WAY more in the box than I need/want.  Now I HAVE to eat it because milk touched it. DRAMA at the hizzouse!]

[Seriousnote:  Do you think people who are born deaf dream in spoken language or sign language (or possibly the written word)? ]

Soapboxes.

I heart soapboxes. I heart it when people feel passionately about something. And I REALLY REALLY heart it when I disagree with someone about their passion and they are open minded enough to argue with me for hours on end (knowing perfectly well that I will never be swayed)...and I heart it even more when we are still friends afterwards.

[Begin soapbox]

I started volunteering at CAP (Citizens for Animal Protection) and I got to walk stray puppies for a few hours on Friday and it was the greatest day of my life. If you are looking for a pet, please go to your local shelter and pick up a stray. These dogs are adorable, well-behaved, and many of them are pure-breeds, but their families gave them up for whatever reason. Those of you who know me, know how much I despise breeders…it’s probably one of the few ‘causes’ that I feel strongly about. So, before you shell out $1000 on a pure-bred dog, please check out the shelters (and/or rescues) in your area and try to find a dog that fits your needs. The staff there is very knowledgeable and can tell you the characteristics of each of the dogs – do they shed, do they bark, do they need lots of exercise, are they cuddly bugs? Please. Save a puppy. If you don’t, I’ll probably end up as divorcee with a house full of mutts…this doesn’t sound like a good plan to me.

[End soapbox]

I got my wonderful mutt Donny at the Homeless Pet Placement League in Houston and he is probably the greatest thing since sliced bread.


I am now volunteering at CAP and there are so many adorable animals there that need to be loved...I would bring them all home if I could.

Other places to adopt a pet: SPCA, rescues for purebreeds, BARC, etc... I promise you that with a little effort you can find the perfect dog for you...one that NEEDS a home, not one that was bred with the intent of making money. www.petfinder.org is a great resource. Please, take a puppy off the street!!

All this being said, I also love the dog show...and yes, I know I am just perpetuating the problem. But all those puppies in one place...ZOMG. I can't resist!!

10 Things I Hate About You

Whistling/Singing/Humming to oneself. I just don't understand the reasoning behind this. Never once have I sung to myself in the presence of others. Don't get me wrong, I sing by myself all the time...that's the key though, I'm BY MYSELF. I don't understand people who hum while they pee, or sing in the stairwell, or whistle while they grocery shop. It's annoying. If I wanted music, I'd wear headphones. I may have to start wearing headphones just drown you out.

Conference calls on speakerphone in a cubicle farm.

Body Odor. But more specifically, men who sit next to me on planes with body odor.

Men with long gnarly fingernails (who don't do drugs and therefore have no need for gnarly long fingernails.)

Men with long gnarly fingernails...including the ones who do drugs.

Farting in a cubicle farm...we are not talking SBD's (Silent But Deadlys), we are talking full on tooting at regular intervals. Why must I be forced to contain my laughter? And why doens't anyone else think this is funny?

When the queso at a mexican food place is gross.

Valet parking at ridiculous places and at ridiculous times. More specifically, I hate paying to park and this is considered an acceptable reason for me to decline an invitation somewhere.

People with names like Tremendous Johnson. Yes, I have met a woman named Tremendous - she works at Academy on Westheimer at Voss. She was dumb as a stick. I realize these two things would appear to be unrelated, but I know that if my name was Tremendous, I probably wouldn't feel like I needed to use my brain either.

Customer Service Representatives. I dislike them all out of principle, but I really hate the ones who can't speak my language and/or who have absolutely no desire to actually fix the problem. I REALLY hate Comcast.

People who consistently can't turn off their cell phone ringers. And especially people who consistently can't turn off their cell phone ringers who have annoying rings. No, it not cool when your phone barks instead of rings. No, I do not like the theme song from Growing Pains (that's a lie, I DO like the theme song, just not every 20 minutes). You've been reminded 37 times to turn off your ringer...why are you an idiot?

People who repeat the same joke over and over again until you laugh. And before any of you judge me, I am well aware that I do this...but I hate it about myself. Ugh!The first step is recognizing that you have a problem. The second step is remembering that you don't talk about Fight Club.

Crumbly cheeses. Rain. Brussel sprouts. Small dogs. Small cars. Big bridges. Treadmill. Spiders, snakes and most other reptilia and amphibia and arachnids and such. Tequila. Retractable leashes. Cats.

These are just to name a few. I'm such an upbeat person.

So sum up my anger on this day, view the email exchange from Tommy and I shown here. Some background:

• Aetna is my medical insurance provider - they suck for not being able to actually fill precriptions.
• Celso Garcia is our new ADT security salesman - he sucks for being a totally incompetent at what he does.
• Burnie is the man who broke into our house (his name has been changed due to a lack of actually knowing his name) - he sucks because he is he broke into our house without my permission.
• Cats are evil.
• Velveeta cheese is wrong. American cheese is also wrong. Bleu and feta tie in their wrongness.
• Karl is my creepy old landlord who came into my house and rearranged my furniture.
• Ralph (Perez) is my other creepy landlord who bathes at BurgerKing and thinks that 'debris' is spelled 'dupree'. He is just an effing idiot.
• Toyotaman is the Toyota dealership that is changing the locks on Tommy's car - they have to order parts from Nigeria and have slaves strap the pieces to their backs and swim through the gulf to bring them here. It is estimated to take 4 weeks.

-----Original Message-----
From: Tommy tommy@home.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 3:14 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

Not cats? And velveeta?


-----Original Message-----
From: "Christy (CM)" christy@work.com
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2007 16:02:59
To:Tommy tommy@home.com
Subject: RE: pension

Oh, and also my old landlord Karl. And Aetna. And mosquitos and bug repellant.

Christy

----------------
From: Tommy tommy@home.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 3:00 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

Hahahaha. That's so much hate!

On 7/18/07, Christy (CM) Christy@work.com wrote:

Awesome. I hate Toyota and Allstate and Celso. And Ralph. And Liberty Mutual and Burnie. And all customer service people.
Christy

----------------
From: Tommy [mailto:tommy@homte.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 2:34 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

No word from Celso. And the effers already have taken my car apart, just waiting on the one part to come in. So I cant cancel. Toyotaman is checking status and calling me back.

On 7/18/07, Christy (CM) mailto:Christy@work.comwrote:
silly. I hate it. you know what else I hate? Celso Garcia's and Allstates. Did you ever hear back from Celso?

Christy

Does he like me or not?

My friend Erik is very funny. What I can't figure out is if he really likes me and wants me to enjoy his laughter or he actually despises me and wants me to die and be miserable. Because we have been friends for quite awhile now, I am going to assume that he doesn't hate me, but it's questionable.

In the mail yesterday, I recieved a note from Erik and a cutout from a magazine. The note said something like this: "I saw this and thought of you. If it weren't so completely useless and I weren't so cheap I would buy it for you." The magazine cutout was of a Cat Lady Figurine. And no, I don't mean CatWoman from Batman. I mean, like a creepy a cat lady who is old and dirty and has lots of cats. The cat lady stands at 7" tall, comes with 6 separate cats to place strategically around her, and 2 cats that protrude from her nappy hair and pant leg.

Via email yesterday, Erik sent me this: "I saw this. I laughed a lot. Then I thought you might like it. I ate a Nutri Grain this morning, and somehow... it didn't have quite the same effect." http://youtube.com/watch?v=XbFLhbJRt_E

Either Erik likes me or hates me. It's all up in the air right now.

I NEED a catlady figurine. Need it.

Debil Cats.


Now you understand my fear of cats, right? That cat is TOTALLY going to claw my eyes out.

3 posts in one day should get me off your sh!t lists until at least 2007.

Dreams.

I have been having some really effed up dreams lately. Nightmares, wierd stuff, you name it, I dreamt it. I thought maybe it was the drugs I was on from when I was sick, but I haven't been taking them this week, so that doesn't really essplain anything. Apparently, I am just a wacko. My mom is going to the the rapist, so maybe I should too.

Last night, I dreamt that I was on So You Think You Can Dance. But as most dreams go, it wasn't really anything like So You Think You Can Dance. I was supposed to dance with 2 other girls and we were dressed like super heros. I was Wonder Woman. But of course, I looked nothing like Wonder Woman. I DID, on the other hand, paint my fingernails black and use the nail polish to paint a 'W' on my shirt.

At some point, we were in Galveston on a moving island or something and there was a sphere where bikers can ride the full circle - go upside down and stuff. I guess, the Wonder Woman outfit made me feel like I could ride the full sphere. Whatever. So I did that. Then it was time to dance - although we never actually got to the part where we dance.

They had forgotten to teach me the dance, so I was a little freaked out. Catwoman and She-Ra were trying to teach me everything I needed to know, but I wasn't getting it. She-Ra just told me wing it. Basically, they just wanted me to stand in the back and freestyle. Very unfortunate for any TV viewers out there. At this point, Cat Deeley comes out and tells me that it's ou turn - She-Ra, Catwoman and I (Wonder Woman) all prepare to walk on stage. It's at this point that my alarm goes off. I have no idea how I did. Do you think America would have voted me off?

Kick off that Martha chick. Her feet are nasty.

Random facts that I recall from the dream:
My skirt was knee length and very teacher-y. It was silk, but it was pleated. Not in a hot 'school-girl' kind of way.
Catwoman was not nice.
My shirt was a blue baby-tee with a 'W' I painted on it with black nail polish.
The skirt and shirt did not match.
The boat or whatever we were on in Galveston had something I was standing on that I could have fallen off of and died, but I was unconcerned.
I had never ridden a bike before I felt the need to ride all the way around the sphere thing.
On So You Think You Can Dance, you apparently have to do your own hair and makeup. I apparently have never done hair or makeup before.
She-Ra may or may not have had a girl crush on me.

The catlady.

Erik sent me this a long time ago. He can predict the future and he he likes to play the 'Where Will Everyone be in 30 Years Game'. It's fun unless he predicts this:

Apparently, according to Erik, I will live alone. And by 'alone', he means 'with 5,000 cats'. I will have a long braid and I will wear thick sweaters all the time. I will take long bubble baths and read trashy romance novels.

Unfortunately for me, I hate cats. So 'alone' will actually mean 'alone'. Hahaha. But regardless...shortly after telling my fortune, he sent me this article...it is soo gonna be me (sans kitties):

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8552364/#storyContinued

Elderly woman hoards more than 300 cats
Animals 'were coming out of the cabinets and drawers,' say police

WASHINGTON - About 300 cats, nearly a third of them dead, were removed from an elderly woman’s Virginia home after neighbors complained of a stench coming from the house, police said on Tuesday.
The house, less than a mile from late President George Washington’s historic Mount Vernon estate, looked neat from the outside with manicured lawns and bright flowers, but inside it was overflowing with wild cats, feces and urine.
“Cats were coming out of the cabinets and drawers and were inside the walls. There were hundreds of them,” Fairfax County Police officer Richard Henry told Reuters.
He said animal control officers removed 273 cats — 86 of them dead — over the weekend and slapped a condemnation order on the door of the house. The woman, her husband and daughter were told to leave.
Later on, Henry said, the woman returned and attempted to smuggle an additional 30 cats from the house. These animals were confiscated, bringing the total to more than 300.
Ruth Knueven, 82, was charged with failing to care for her animals and of improperly disposing of them. Dozens of dead cats were found in plastic bins around the house.
Most of the cats were inbred and sick and were unfit for adoption, said Henry. “These were feral cats who were given free range of the house and almost all of them will, unfortunately, have to be put down,” he said.
Two weeks earlier, a 58-year-old woman in nearby Falls Church, Va., had her home condemned after neighbors complained of an overpowering stench coming from the property. She had hoarded 88 cats and 29 of them were dead.

Quoteables...I am going to start a log of quoteable things me and my pals say. Email me if you remember something...

He must of had a 10 foot schlong. -My dear mother

Fried and weiner all in one bite!! -My dear father

Do we not have a toilet with two pots? -My mom

I have an aversion to kolaches after a night with the Scotsman. -Kate

I can't remember the name...Egyptian Monkey F*ck or something? -Mom

The moral of this story is to be careful around homsexual animals. And never wear beef scented panties. - Me

Throw it in her dumper. -Tye

Do you want some Cheerios? And by Cheerios, I mean, do you want to bang? -Zach

After we were done I made kids who misbehave pick up the tecticles with their hands. -Boot

It's like a Mike and Ike, but brown. -Kate

Did you know that if you search 'plastic surgery' on the internet, you can see penis enlargements? -Monica

Seriously, you're in a cover band. -Kate

I shit my pants, can I get in your yours? -Coy

I'd say that there is about an 80/30 chance. -Dan

Is that a monkey on that horse? -Jim

I mean, we had to have sex, I wasn't gonna put my hands or mouth on that thing. -anonymous

What the hell...did your father rape you when you were little? -Laura

Put the vagina away! -Paige

It's hot as crotch down here. - Janelle

Yeah, if Hitler had targeted cats instead of jews he would be on Mount Rushmore instead of the vilest mad man in recorded history. - Roy

What the hell is Laffy Taffy? Asshole? - Bartender at the airport bar

Why don't they have magnets with boobies and assholes? - Dani

No, dumbass. That would make her a sixteen-o-pus. - Kate

Dance on my pole. - Some guy at the beach

Open your throat and let it pour down. It's easier to swallow when you are on your knees. - LA Boyfriend

You look good for your age. - A sixteen year-old with a retainer

They make my stupid bird mouth look even birdier. -Jodie

He might as well have raised his leg and peed on you. - Unknown

I'll bring the crisco and the baby pool. - Zach

If I had known it was that kind of party I wouldn't have put my dick in the mashed potatoes. - Zach

It helps keep the stuff off the things they like to get on. - Cathy

Rumor has it that the Castleberry's get their meat for free. - Wehner

There's no such thing as lesbians. A lesbian is just a woman that hasn't met Tegwyn. - Wayne

Getting drunk before the play will also help you watch the sex scene between the two lead male actors. This is the approach I took before watching Brokeback Mountain the second and third times. - Wayne

I really like your sausage. -Mom

I like to drink heavily and use expletives. - Steve

The nachos I ate violated me at about 5:30 this morning. - Ed

The 1900's were 7 years ago, asswipe. -Ed

Here's a tip: Get a darker bra. - Bill

It's not like we were trollin' for ho's all weekend. - Ed

Life is beautiful to dumb people. I think that's why I'm so happy. - Christy

Who cares to survive? I just vive. - Victor

I'm glad we delcared our independence from you. - Laura

It's all about grabbing f*cking meat. - Bill

You can name it and you can pet it. - Tommy

Do you have nipples? Can you milk me? - Bill

You're not supposed to flash your children. -Mom

I could eat the butt out of a skunk. - Mom

I farted and sneezed at the same time. - Mom

It's kinda like eating a tampon. - Katy and Hokom (combined effort)

That's why he has fat crotch. - Katy

Sluttiness is just a bad word for freedom of mind. - Victor

"It's hard as shit to burn a motorcycle," said Ronan. "No it's not, it's easy," replied Victor.

Any sport that you can wear a cardigan in... - Richard

There is nothing wrong with a bit of veal. - Richard

I think your dong just touched me. - Jeff

Oh no ma'am, I'm hung like a pencil. These are just gelatinous drawers. -Roy

No sexual taking out the contacts. - An unknown party associated with Wehner

I'm a 'mo, ya know? - Danny

When my tow got carred. - Bill

Your liver will stop hating you the day it is removed from your body and begins it's life as a door stop in some doctors hill country retreat home. - Roy