Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I think Tommy is in trouble...

Some thought my last blog was somewhat negative. Here are Ed's thoughts concerning my Negative Nancy-ness:

Edward-o to me
8:28 am (7 hours ago)

I read your blog today. You need to get laid more and maybe your anger will subside. If you are getting laid regularly then you need to have a threesome with Tommy and another girl….twice. Tommy did not put me up to this.


Monday, May 19, 2008

10 Things I Hate About You

Whistling/Singing/Humming to oneself. I just don't understand the reasoning behind this. Never once have I sung to myself in the presence of others. Don't get me wrong, I sing by myself all the time...that's the key though, I'm BY MYSELF. I don't understand people who hum while they pee, or sing in the stairwell, or whistle while they grocery shop. It's annoying. If I wanted music, I'd wear headphones. I may have to start wearing headphones just drown you out.

Conference calls on speakerphone in a cubicle farm.

Body Odor. But more specifically, men who sit next to me on planes with body odor.

Men with long gnarly fingernails (who don't do drugs and therefore have no need for gnarly long fingernails.)

Men with long gnarly fingernails...including the ones who do drugs.

Farting in a cubicle farm...we are not talking SBD's (Silent But Deadlys), we are talking full on tooting at regular intervals. Why must I be forced to contain my laughter? And why doens't anyone else think this is funny?

When the queso at a mexican food place is gross.

Valet parking at ridiculous places and at ridiculous times. More specifically, I hate paying to park and this is considered an acceptable reason for me to decline an invitation somewhere.

People with names like Tremendous Johnson. Yes, I have met a woman named Tremendous - she works at Academy on Westheimer at Voss. She was dumb as a stick. I realize these two things would appear to be unrelated, but I know that if my name was Tremendous, I probably wouldn't feel like I needed to use my brain either.

Customer Service Representatives. I dislike them all out of principle, but I really hate the ones who can't speak my language and/or who have absolutely no desire to actually fix the problem. I REALLY hate Comcast.

People who consistently can't turn off their cell phone ringers. And especially people who consistently can't turn off their cell phone ringers who have annoying rings. No, it not cool when your phone barks instead of rings. No, I do not like the theme song from Growing Pains (that's a lie, I DO like the theme song, just not every 20 minutes). You've been reminded 37 times to turn off your ringer...why are you an idiot?

People who repeat the same joke over and over again until you laugh. And before any of you judge me, I am well aware that I do this...but I hate it about myself. Ugh!The first step is recognizing that you have a problem. The second step is remembering that you don't talk about Fight Club.

Crumbly cheeses. Rain. Brussel sprouts. Small dogs. Small cars. Big bridges. Treadmill. Spiders, snakes and most other reptilia and amphibia and arachnids and such. Tequila. Retractable leashes. Cats.

These are just to name a few. I'm such an upbeat person.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Chain Lingerie?

Funny little thing that happened to my friend, who we will call Schmelrie, last night. He was on a "date" and they were walking around the multi-Starbucked area of River Oaks on West Gray... (the names have been changed to protect the filthy).

From Schmelrie:
We’re walking by river oaks theatre, and she mentioned that she’d never been in that area. I say there’s tons of shopping, not my style, because I’m a guy. She said that it’s not really her style either.

So we walk next to a lingerie place, and I point at some risqué clothing, and I say, "Is that more your style?"

Her response, “No, I preferred chains.”

Schmelrie’s response, “Chains? I didn’t know you were that type of girl.”

Her response, “No, I mean chain stores, I prefer shopping at chain stores.”

I thought she liked to wear chain lingerie.