Wednesday, June 21, 2006
These are 2 snippets from emails I have received this week. I will take them out of context, but trust me, they were either just as offensive or just as funny in context as they are out.
You're not dumb, and there's no need to hate yourself. You have plenty of friends who will gladly hate you instead.
Unfortunately, I took the resolution after last weekend to never drink ever again. It's my weekly Monday morning resolution. On Tuesdays, I usually quit smoking.
My friends are funny. I am so proud.
In this article...
... there are types of orchids that smell like female wasps, so that the male wasps will get horny and attempt to mate with the flower. This is how the flower spreads its pollen.
So let's summarize.. we'll call the orchid "Laura" and the wasp "Tony". Laura needs something (pollen) moved from one place to another, so she lets Tony believe he will be getting sex. So Tony shows up in a powerful hurry, and takes the pollen where it needs to be. In the end, Laura got what she wanted, and Tony just screwed a plant.
Memo to guys sweating in UHaul trucks this summer: you are Tony.
I'm gonna be moving soon and might need some help [batting my eyes and trying to create cleavage]...
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
As we all know I am easily amused. I mean, I bought my dad the exact same Father's Day card two years in a row. It was hysterical both times. At least we know we know I am in no danger of maturing any time soon. Anyways, these pics tickled me. Enjoy the artisty...it is divine...
So, there is a man with whom I am 'forced' to deal with on a weekly basis. We will call him Henry. I am not a huge fan. Henry thought it would be 'fun' for his girlfriend to come and join the party earlier this week. I thought I would be 'nice' and introduce myself. Let us not forget that I am typically not nice and I am especially not nice to people who are associated with people I don't like. Therefore, Henry's girlfriend was an immediate threat to my niceties. But I forged through it.
I went up to her and said, 'Hi, I'm Christy - we've heard a lot about you'. Which, of course was a lie, because men like Henry don't talk about their girlfriends...but whatever. Her response to my friendly greeting was 'okay'. Hahahahaha.
Me: 'Hi, I'm Christy - we've heard a lot about you'
Henry's GF: 'Okay'
Yea, please Henry's GF, don't tell me your name or try to be a decent human being. Just sit there and continue to look hungry. Henry, give the girl a sandwich. She's starving. But seriously, who responds with 'okay' to a polite introduction? Apparently, Henry's GF does.
Sooooooo...once more notch on the list of why I don't like Henry.
All of this after my horoscope said I would have a romantic evening on Saturday night...instead my man-toy fell asleep in lieu of picking me up for dinner. Stupid horoscope. More like horrorscope.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Quoteables...I am going to start a log of quoteable things me and my pals say. Email me if you remember something...
He must of had a 10 foot schlong. -My dear mother
Fried and weiner all in one bite!! -My dear father
Do we not have a toilet with two pots? -My mom
I have an aversion to kolaches after a night with the Scotsman. -Kate
I can't remember the name...Egyptian Monkey F*ck or something? -Mom
The moral of this story is to be careful around homsexual animals. And never wear beef scented panties. - Me
Throw it in her dumper. -Tye
Do you want some Cheerios? And by Cheerios, I mean, do you want to bang? -Zach
After we were done I made kids who misbehave pick up the tecticles with their hands. -Boot
It's like a Mike and Ike, but brown. -Kate
Did you know that if you search 'plastic surgery' on the internet, you can see penis enlargements? -Monica
Seriously, you're in a cover band. -Kate
I shit my pants, can I get in your yours? -Coy
I'd say that there is about an 80/30 chance. -Dan
Is that a monkey on that horse? -Jim
I mean, we had to have sex, I wasn't gonna put my hands or mouth on that thing. -anonymous
What the hell...did your father rape you when you were little? -Laura
Put the vagina away! -Paige
It's hot as crotch down here. - Janelle
Yeah, if Hitler had targeted cats instead of jews he would be on Mount Rushmore instead of the vilest mad man in recorded history. - Roy
What the hell is Laffy Taffy? Asshole? - Bartender at the airport bar
Why don't they have magnets with boobies and assholes? - Dani
No, dumbass. That would make her a sixteen-o-pus. - Kate
Dance on my pole. - Some guy at the beach
Open your throat and let it pour down. It's easier to swallow when you are on your knees. - LA Boyfriend
You look good for your age. - A sixteen year-old with a retainer
They make my stupid bird mouth look even birdier. -Jodie
He might as well have raised his leg and peed on you. - Unknown
I'll bring the crisco and the baby pool. - Zach
If I had known it was that kind of party I wouldn't have put my dick in the mashed potatoes. - Zach
It helps keep the stuff off the things they like to get on. - Cathy
Rumor has it that the Castleberry's get their meat for free. - Wehner
There's no such thing as lesbians. A lesbian is just a woman that hasn't met Tegwyn. - Wayne
Getting drunk before the play will also help you watch the sex scene between the two lead male actors. This is the approach I took before watching Brokeback Mountain the second and third times. - Wayne
I really like your sausage. -Mom
I like to drink heavily and use expletives. - Steve
The nachos I ate violated me at about 5:30 this morning. - Ed
The 1900's were 7 years ago, asswipe. -Ed
Here's a tip: Get a darker bra. - Bill
It's not like we were trollin' for ho's all weekend. - Ed
Life is beautiful to dumb people. I think that's why I'm so happy. - Christy
Who cares to survive? I just vive. - Victor
I'm glad we delcared our independence from you. - Laura
It's all about grabbing f*cking meat. - Bill
You can name it and you can pet it. - Tommy
Do you have nipples? Can you milk me? - Bill
You're not supposed to flash your children. -Mom
I could eat the butt out of a skunk. - Mom
I farted and sneezed at the same time. - Mom
It's kinda like eating a tampon. - Katy and Hokom (combined effort)
That's why he has fat crotch. - Katy
Sluttiness is just a bad word for freedom of mind. - Victor
"It's hard as shit to burn a motorcycle," said Ronan. "No it's not, it's easy," replied Victor.
Any sport that you can wear a cardigan in... - Richard
There is nothing wrong with a bit of veal. - Richard
I think your dong just touched me. - Jeff
Oh no ma'am, I'm hung like a pencil. These are just gelatinous drawers. -Roy
No sexual taking out the contacts. - An unknown party associated with Wehner
I'm a 'mo, ya know? - Danny
When my tow got carred. - Bill
Your liver will stop hating you the day it is removed from your body and begins it's life as a door stop in some doctors hill country retreat home. - Roy