Thursday, September 14, 2006

Debil Cats.

Now you understand my fear of cats, right? That cat is TOTALLY going to claw my eyes out.

3 posts in one day should get me off your sh!t lists until at least 2007.
Bad Blogger.

I'm sorry that I am such a bad blogger, but life is busy. Do you want me to come out and drink beers with you? Or sit at home and think of funny stuff to blog about?

This blog will discuss the differences in bread and bread by-products.

Bread comes in loaves. Bread by-products do not. Bread by-products come in noodle, crust, and chip form. Bread by-products MAY be slathered in cheese of any sort - preferably cheddar. Bread may NOT be slathered in cheese of any sort, especially American.

American cheese should be outlawed by the American government. I have never been so ashamed of the country in which I live as when I am forced to smell the rankness of American cheese. American cheese is wrong. American cheese = communism.

Other cheeses that are wrong: anything that crumbles under the weight of a feather. This includes several types, but namely, bleu and feta. Bleu and feta cheeses are wrong. Cheese should not feel like corn poop in your mouth (cottage cheese is also wrong for this reason). Cheese should be hard and/or gooey, but never EVER crumbly. EVER. If you can't spear it with a fork then you shouldn't eat it. If God wanted you to eat it, he would have made it spear-able.

Grilled cheese sandwiches are wrong. Cheeseburgers are wrong. Egg and cheese biscuits are wrong. Any type of casserole where cheese is melted on rice is wrong.

Cheese on noodles is right. Cheese on pizza is right. Cheese on chips is right. Any type of non- crumbly/non-American type of cheese is right.

Go forth now and spread this knowledge to your people. Thanks be to me for this message.
Donuts. My one true love.

Apparently sales at Krispy Kreme have drastically declined since I took my No Donuts Vow on December 19, 2005. I have not consumed a donut since December 19, 2005. Let me clarify: I have not consumed a DONUT since December 19, 2005. This does not include all food stuffs purchased from ye olde donut shoppe. Kolaches are not donuts. Muffins are not donuts. Bagels are not donuts. Donuts are donuts. If it isn't actually CALLED a donut, it isn't a donut and therefore, I still eat it. Unless it is bread covered in cheese.

News article:

Krispy Kreme Sees Decline in Sales

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. (AP) - Krispy Kreme Doughnuts said Monday it expects to report a loss for the second quarter and predicted a $30 million decline in revenue for the period because it has fewer company-owned stores.
The company's announcement said it expects revenue in the quarter to drop from $140 million last year to $110 million this year. Systemwide, sales fell about 15 percent, the company said.
The company also said its financial results continue to be adversely affected by legal and regulatory costs.
Despite the gloomy results, company Chief Executive Daryl Brewster said Krispy Kreme was making progress.
"In the United States, we saw signs of stability in company stores as evidenced by average weekly sales trends," Brewster said. "We also advanced our international expansion plans with the signing of franchisees in six new markets."

Thursday, September 07, 2006

You whiners.

Yes, I have gotten a few complaints about my lack-o-blogging. I am sorry. But don't you life still sucks, I just haven't had time to write about it.

And I think my friends are busy too because they have failed to entertain me with their humor. You guys suck.

So basically, my life is busy and I don't have time for any fun and all my friends are boring wads of paper. Great.

I DO have funny stories from Vegas, but I can't write about me and I will fill you in. Ha. Hahaha.

Now I am off to an emergency meeting with my boss. That's NEVER good.

Hugs and kisses to all my fans out there.