Thursday, February 25, 2010

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Tommy and I spent our Valentines Day wandering the neighborhood and going to open houses (we finished our wonderful walk at Cedar Creek where we enjoyed a few beers and a delicious, albeit not nutritious, linner).

We started at the one across the street. We had looked at this exact house but a few streets away when we were in the market. We discovered pretty quickly that while we liked the layout, they were overpriced (WAY overpriced), had a wierd front yard (very Pleasantville), didn't have master suite (AT ALL! No bathroom, no closet, no nothing!) and the third bedroom would have been better suited as a closet (a small closet). All in all, we weren't impressed. Regardless, I wanted to check out this house because I like checking out how other people decorate and snooping.

Open houses are pretty much my happy place.

So, away we went and we met the wonderful (ha!) realtor at the house. I was wearing my IMCOZ visor and he struck up a conversation about Ironman. Darn. I had now acheived TWO goals for the day: I was gonna get to snoop AND I got to talk about Ironman to someone who cared. HOORAY! Best Valentines Day EVER.

The three of us got to talking about Cozumel and racing in general. It was love at first sight...until it wasn't. Isn't that always the case with love at first sight? Siiigh. Well, while Realtor Man seemed super cool at first, he quickly turned on the dooshbaggy-ness for all the world to see.

His first comment was, "Yeah, my $12,000 bike should be here soon. I know that will make all the difference in the world. I won't have to worry about my biking anymore once that gets here." Okay buddy, sure thing.

Then he goes on to say that he "is phenomenal on the swim and the run and with the new bike I should be amazing there as well. I can run a marathon in like, under 4 hours." HAHAHAHA. Dude, a 4 hour marathon is pretty awesome and very respectable..."phenomenal"? No. I don't think a 4 hour marathon is phenomenal. At all. He says he raced Houston this year and did amazing.

Then he asks how well we did in Cozumel. We tell him that we finished in just under 13 hours (which BTW is pretty freaking AWESOME) and his response is, "Yeah, that's semi-respectable." WTF dude? Seriously?

He says that he is going to qualify for Kona this year and that his half times are incredible. (Who says that?). We ask what halves he has done and what his times are and he doesn't know. Um, what? Everyone knows. You KNOW your PR for a race like that. And frankly, if you are training for an Ironman, you are a Type A personality, and you have all your PR's memorized. And if you are too senile to memorize them, you have them written down in your wallet so you can reference them at any given moment. Seriously.

At about this point in the conversation I am trying to edge my way out before I say something like, "Dude, you won't qualify for Kona in this lifetime, but keep up the power of positive thinking." Because seriously, he sucked so much.

We finally escaped without me slapping some sense into him and I spent the next few hours devising a plan to stalk him. I searched his name, I searched old race databases, I searched athlinks, I searched it all and the verdict is that this boy ain't done no races! He didn't race the Houston Marathon (although his wife, whom he claimed is even faster than him, may have finished in a solid 5:43hours...phenomenal). He didn't race any Ironman brand races EVER, isn't on Athlinks, and doesn't exist in the racing world at all.

Sorry pal. You're just another poser. Memorize some fake race splits and maybe someone will believe you.

Get out there and race!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Blogging Fodder.

If I am ever at a lack of things to blog about, please, just send me to the Lab Test room at St. Josephs. I got more material there in 20 minutes than I got in my own life in the last 2 years. Seriously. I was almost crying...oh wait, I was crying. But those tears were because the stupid hoe that ATTEMPTED to take my blood missed my giant veins and felt the need to go on a digging adventure...the antics going on in the waiting room was some of the most entertaining stuff I have ever seen.

I can't detail all of it for you lest I seem like I have no heart for homeless, let's just say that hanging out in the Lab Test Room at St. Joseph's is where all the professional singers from Broadway come once they get too old/fat/ugly to make it big anymore. It was like a freaking concert. But not a good one.

The homeless people just sang and sang and sang. Only the good Lord might be able to able to tell us WHAT they were singing, because I'm pretty sure those weren't words...but it also wasn't humming. Just incoherent blathering on. Loudly. And out of tune. And with total disregard to anyone else in the room.

(Let the record show that I find singing in public places, specifically showers at the gym, totally offensive for reasons unknown even to myself. Regardless, this singing was hysterical.)

Finally an un-homeless man (approximately 50 years old) sat down opposite a singing homeless man (approximately 25 years old). This was apparently the opening that Homeless Man was looking for. Homeless Man launched into a Question/Answer segment during which I learned a lot about his life. The conversation went something like this:

Homeless Man: Have you heard of Patrick Swayze?
UnHomeless Man: Yes.
Homeless Man: I went to the school with that guy.
*Editors note: Homeless Man is no more than 25...and since being homeless probably ages you, he is probably more like 17. Patrick Swayze is/was old enough to by my father.
UnHomeless Man: Oh really?
Homeless Man: Yeah, his picture was on the wall. Have you ever seen Dirty Dancing? Or Ghost? He was in those movies.
UnHomeless Man: Yeah, I've seen those movies.
Homeless Man: Ghost was scary. I don't like ghosts.

And then he left. I really wanted to hear more about the ghosts. What we couldn't figure out was whether or not Homeless Man that good ol' Pat had died. No one wanted to break that news to him. Especially since he has this fear of ghosts and all.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Happy Ash Wednesday.

Lent is basically the poor mans New Years Resolution. If you failed at your resolutions, you get a second chance to try them again...and you only have to do it for 40 days, not a whole year like that New Years Resolution crap.

These Christians are geniuses!

I don't really do New Years Resolutions. I prefer to think of them as goals. Regardless, it's all the same sh1t different day. I DO do (doodoo. Ha.) Giving Things Up for Lent though. Even though I am not really religious. I just find that it's easier to commit to something for 40 days than to committ for a whole year. Commit-a-phobic? Probably. There is a reason I can't just pick a place to go on vacation. Seriously.

I think the word you are looking for is, anyways...

Every year I give up saying the F word. I also fail at this every year because frankly, I like saying the F word. It's my favorite word. I think it really adds something to a story. It's that je ne sais quoi every story is looking for. So, I always fail at this goal because my heart isn't really in it. Whatever. I'll add it to the list again this year just so it looks like I'm trying. That's for you mom.

This year I will also be attempting to give up all the crap food just sitting around my office...all the time. If I can do it for 40 days, I will succeed. Hell, if I can avoid all the crap food in the office for a week it would be considered a success.

40 days without leftover, cold, germ contaminated pizza. I hope I can survive.

F you.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Who Needs Sleep?

So, I fell in love with the Barenaked Ladies because of their song "Who Needs Sleep?" which was (and still is) my anthem for life.

Who needs sleep?
(well you're never gonna get it)
Who needs sleep?
(tell me what's that for)
Who needs sleep?
(be happy with what you're getting)
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

Unfortunately, this song really resonated with me because I don't really sleep. Ever.

I can sleep in about 3 hour increments about twice a day (but never consecutively). For example, I could go to bed at 10pm, sleep until 1am and then lay awake (exhausted) for the rest of the night and then I could take a 3 hour nap sometime in the afternoon (if my job would allow it).

In college, I once tried a plan where I slept from 3-7am and then 3-7pm so I could still get 8 hours of rest a day, go to class and party until 2am...unfortunately for me, I don't like to party until 2am. I like happy hour and this plan didn't really accomodate to my lifestyle of daytime drinking. Sooo, my wonderfully crafted 4 hour naps went in the garbage.

Alas, I haven't slept in quite some time. HOWEVER, last night, in a stroke of sleeping genius, I slept for a solid 5 hours! I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 4am disoriented and confused (because seriously, this has never happened!). And then, when I realized the magicalness of the slumber I had been in, I got so excited and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I'm still tired despite the best sleep in recent memory. Haha.

Such is life and will never be a winner in life.

A sidenote to how sweet my husband is:
When we went to bed, I was the big spoon (because my ear had been hurting and I couldn't lay on my right side to be the little spoon) and we were pretty much on his side of the bed. When I woke up at 4am, I was still the big spoon and he was pretty much falling off the bed. I moved back to my side to revel in the joy that is 5 solid hours of sleep!

When he finally woke up, I told him about the greatness of my sleep and he told me that he woke up around 2am really uncomfortable but he realized that I was still cuddling him and asleep (this is how crazy it is that I slept this long) and he didn't want to wake me up. So he tried to be as still and quiet as possible so as not to wake the monster [me]. The poor guy slept uncomfortably for several hours so as to not disturb me...THAT my friends, is a good man right there.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

New February Resolutions

There is apparently a huge group of people out there who failed to make their New Years Resolutions at the beginning of the new year. And this huge group of people is now invading my gym. This is February people, you were supposed to have quit by now!

Nothing really changed in January. There were a couple of new people, but really, it wasn't anymore crowded than normal (well, at least not MUCH). My gym is small so even a couple of newbies made a difference, but I was still always able to get the machines I wanted, a shower when I needed it and a hairdryer to dry my hair.

HOWEVER, on Monday I came to work to shower (because why would I shower in the gorgeous new shower I have at home? Yeah, doesn't make sense to me either.). Regardless, I shower at work 4 out of 5 days a week and Amy and I are the only people there (there is an occasional drifter, but usually just the two of us) and we like it that way. I get the shower I want when I want it and the space at the counter to do my hair.

Back to my story...I came to work to shower and I get my bench ready (there is a system of course) when I notice that all the other benches are occupied. THEN I had to shower in a less-than-optimal shower AND share my bench with someone. Mon dieu!

What I couldn't grasp was that it is FEBRUARY. No one joins a gym in February! I'll share my treadmill in January because I know it will only last a few weeks, but what if people start actually sticking to their goals? What will my world come to?

In other news, I got my butt kicked in the pool by a 12 year old girl. Awesome. WAy to boost the ego. In turn, I kicked a 80 year old dude's butt, but it didn't really help to build my self esteem up.

Friday, February 05, 2010


If you work in Corporate America, you better like pizza. In fact, this should probably be one of the questions on the aptitude tests given to fifth graders. Children who don't like pizza should be steered toward jobs to be a teacher, doctor, lawyer (for a small, non-Corporate America firms) or a garbage man. I guarantee that these kids will not grow up to like Corporate America if they don't like pizza.

Pizza Haters would not like working in Corporate America because everyone likes free food. Free food is always (we will say 99.99999% of the time) better than any food that you could have possibly paid for. And if there is free food around, most self-respecting (or in my case, un-self-respecting) people will eat the free food.

And this food is always (we will say 97.9999% of the time) pizza.

So, all you pizza haters out there, go find a new job and leave the pizza to us cubicle dwellers. We NEED it.

***UPDATE: Also, unlike the quickly devoured delicious AND nutritious pizza, there is an overwhelming amount of leftover melon in Corporate America. On any given fruit tray, the grapes and strawberries are snatched up immediately, only to leave all this disgusting melon festering in self pity and low self-esteem. Nobody likes melon. Why do we insist on putting it on a fruit tray??