So I had this boyfriend in high school. And by boyfriend, I mean this boy who liked me and I kind of liked him, but thought it was creepy that he was a senior and I was a freshman, so I didn't really want to go out with him. I didn't know how to say no (or sure that I WANTED to say no), so I asked my mom if I could go out with him...knowing she would say no for me. She's a good woman.
If I had really wanted to go out with him, I would have just gone out with him. I was difficult that way*. So of course, mom said no because she is a rational human being and when your 14 year old daughter wants to go out with a 19 year old boy (he was old for his grade), you ALWAYS say no. Even if you know she will go anyway. At least then, when she gets impregnated, you can say "Nanananana, I told you so"...and then you can go about raising her High School Love Child.
For the sake of the story, we will say his name was Eagle. This doesn't really protect the innocent at all, because his name was another bird...which totally didn't help his cause. He was a nice enough guy and I DID like him...but only kind of. He was into cars (which I SOOO wasn't)...and into low-rider cars (which I was even LESS into than just regular cars)...especially since I didn't even have my drivers permit. He was into really loud music in his car - you know, like the BOOM BOOM BOOM music that makes you want to kill people as they zip through your neighborhood or stop next to you at an intersection (this is probably why I am deaf today). But is probably also why I was not a teen mom (he knocked up a couple of girls shortly after our "relationship" ended). See mom? I DID make good decisions.
Anyway, we used to spend the afternoons hanging out on the bed of his truck in front of my parents house. The fact that this was fun to a 19 year-old was baffling to me and only furthered his creepiness factor. I mean, I felt SO cool that I was hanging with a 19 year-old, but seriously thought it was wierd that he thought it was cool to hang with me. In my parents yard.
Alas, we had unrequited love. And therefore, he sent me love letters**. Of the handwritten/cologne doused variety. They arrived regularly in the mail...and made every other piece of paper in the mailbox stink to high heaven. He must have wasted bottles of cologne on these letters.
Fast forward to present time: We just had a re-orginization at work. I have a new boss who shows up in a meeting the other day wearing a familiar scent. I immediately placed it and the hook brought me back man. I could totally see myself sitting in my parents yard (with straight teeth because I wore my retainer all the time back then), with my friend Eagle listening to Satellite by DMB in the bed of his truck...
To sum up: My boss wears the same cologne as my high school "boyfriend". Not sure how I'm supposed to get through my yearly performance review without dying.
*Let's hope Anna inherited my hair and nothing else. The less she is like me, the more likely that Tommy and I are to survive her childhood.
**I also recieved a recorded-from-the-radio cassette tape of Careless Whisper by Wham.
Update: It has been brought to my attention that this story would be significantly better if my new boss was my old boyfriend, so for the sake of hilarity, we will say it is so. Done. New boss = Ex-Boyfriend. (But in reality, they only smell the same...)
I Hate Green Beans Podcast 6: Bachelorette Week 9
19 hours ago