Monday, May 01, 2006

Crotches.

This story is two-fold, but all occuring on the same day. In neither of these stories do I get to have the sex. That's just wrong.

First-Fold: The story develops like this...In my laundry room/pantry/bathroom/garage entryway, I noticed a strange smell a week or so ago. As time passed the smell became stronger and I became alarmed. The room smelled like crotch. Man crotch, girl crotch, I don't care. It smelled bad. I couldn't figure out where the smell was coming from. I cleaned the entire room out. I did the laundry. I checked the dates on all the food in the pantry. I cleaned the bathroom. I lit candles. Crotch smell...still very prominent.

I am very bothered by this because you all know how I have a fear of being the smelly kid. Well, I try to forget about it, and get dressed to meet everyone for Coy's birthday party. I have on fabulous shoes and a clutch purse (that's it - ha. Just kidding mom) We dance, my purse clutched under my arm as a good little clutch purse should be, when Ed asks, 'How do you keep your purse from smelling like armpit?"

At this point, a little light bulb goes off. First, I smell my purse to see if it does in fact smell like my pit. It does not. It smells quite nice, as I will assume my armpits did also. I am a clean person. I bathe regularly. I promise. But the lightbulb reminds me of my dogs leash. When I take Don out of a run, I put his leash around my shoulder, so a large portion of the leash is under my arm (in the pit area). I tend to sweat when I run, and possibly get quite smelly. It IS Houston and I am running for at least an hour. So shuddup. Anyway.

When I return home, I grab the leash and take a big 'ol whif to see if that is the source of the crotchy smell. Yes. Yes it is. My dogs leash smells horrible. I threw it away. Don can't go on any more walks until he goes out and buys a new leash. Preferably one that has odor protectant. Possibly an anti-perspirant. Then he hid under the house. Dum mutt.

Second - Fold: So, we are at Coy's birthday party. In strolls a bleach blond babe in a white toob top, turquiose mini skirt and the tackiest white shoes you have ever seen. And by mini-skirt, I mean the skirts that most girls use a swimsuit cover ups on the beach. And by toob top, I mean it was mostly just covering the girls. And by tacky shoes, I mean that even the straight guys in the bar were commenting on how ugly they were.

The outfit is disturbing enough, but the story gets better. Trust me. HO-me Girl is sitting on the edge of the stage, letting her boyfriend/husband/whatever take pictures of her crotch. He would just tap her on the knee, and she would just spread those legs like she's done a hundred times. He would stick the camera up her very short skirt, so he didn't have far to travel, snap the pic and then of course, he would show the footage to anyone who wanted to see.

RRRRR you kidding me? I tried to get people to get a pic with my camera phone so I could post it on here, but then I remembered my mom reads this and that's just weird. So, just imagine. I'll assume it looks very much like a normal crotch in public.

Then Seth passed out Skittles and told people it was ecstasy - those little wannabe druggies just swallowed them things whole. That's just a waste of good Skittles.

1 comment:

Christine said...

Good thing I still have the receipt for the shoes.