…might smell just as sweet, but in my house, I can guarantee that rose IS called by some other name and it may or may not smell nice.
I have always felt the need to name inanimate objects but this desire has gotten much worse since Tommy and I moved in together. We agree on a lot of things, politics, the delicious taste of beer, dirty kids, loud dance clubs, etc, but at the very top of this list is this undying desire to name things.
Growing up I had a stereo named Esmerelda. My first car was named The Blue Goose (we called him The Goose for short). My vacuum is named Ramone. My pillow is named Squishie. My dog is named Donny, but he goes by Don, The Don, Dog, Beast, Monster, and most recently, Pugsy. Lord knows where we came up with that.
We named our cars Oscar and Freddy and our bikes are Mr. Moto, Rocky, Flo, and Roxie (there are also two unnamed bikes, but due to their lack of name, they cannot be mentioned here). Modes of transportation MUST have names. If I had a skateboard, I’d name it Jake.
We call our farts "cakes". It makes the whole experience much more enjoyable. Everybody loves cake!
Our friends Tiffany and Harold also like to name things, but mostly they just like to name living things and make life confusing for anyone who steps over their threshold (I think they are constantly trying to test me). Tiffany also goes by TT. Tansie, the dog, can also be called Lulu. Caleb will answer to Doey and Madison is ReRe. I’m surprised I can even remember them all.
What IS this obsession to give nicknames or titles to things? My mom always said that she regrets naming me Christine when she had every intention of calling me Christy. I mean, what’s the point? And then, just to spite her, I went by Ben for the duration of my teenage years. Muuuhahaha.
UPDATE: My wonderful friends Natalie and Tommy (who also happens to be my super special friend) have reminded me of a few that I forgot. Our Christmas tree is named Debbie...O Tennenbaum! She is a Deborah Fir, ya know. We also had Meatloaf the rat infestation shortly after Meatloaf sang at the Superbowl (or something)...and then we bought a rat Christmas tree ornament. His name is Meatloaf too. There is Eva the computer and Burnie the Burglar (named for his desire to burn our house to the ground while we sleep). We also have Sally the inflatable dolphin and Tally the inflatable sheep. If I remember correctly though, we are now on our second inflatable sheep...so Tally II.
In unrelated news, I’ve been thinking about candy dishes a lot lately. I’ve primarily been thinking about them because I have a DESPERATE need for candy that I have yet to fulfill today but also because they present a conundrum that I don’t quite understand.
I work in CubicleVille where people have baskets and buckets and bowls of candy on their desks. Some of these dishes are accessible without entering the cube while some are located inside the cube and require the removal of a lid (so intimidating!).
I often walk by these candy bowls, craving some Laffy Taffy goodness, only to walk on by without indulging because I don’t understand the dynamics of candy dishes and I’m afraid to break any candy rules.
What are the rules for consuming candy out of other people’s candy dishes? Am I required to stop and chat awhile? For how long? Or can I just grab a mini-Twix and be on my merry way? If I constantly eat one person’s candy am I required to replenish their dish at some point? What about if they are gone? Can I still take a Lifesaver?
What is my moral obligation in regards to eating this seemingly “community” candy? I don’t have a candy dish because I don’t have enough self control to not eat the whole thing in one sitting and I don’t eat out of other people’s candy bowls (much) because the whole thing makes me very uncomfortable.
The weight of this issue is too much to bear sometimes. Please shoulder this burden with me. I need your support.
Fall TV 2017
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