Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Candy Etiquette

There is a right and a wrong way to eat candy. This blog will teach you everything you need to know.

The main rule is to always eat the favorite flavor last. If in doubt, eat in pairs and always ending with red.

Starburst – Open the whole package, eat the yellow and orange ones in whatever order you deem appropriate. Then eat the pink and red ones on an alternating basis, finishing with the color you like better that day.

Now-N-Laters – Due to the individually packaged nature of this candy, make sure you have a trash receptacle near by. These candies also require a slightly warmer temperature than normal candies, so be prepared to heat them.1 To eat them, you must open the green section and eat them first. Nobody likes green candy and I’m still not sure why candy companies continue to make it. Regardless, eat the green ones because it’s candy and it’s just wrong to throw it out. Then, open the red and purple sections, warm them to the appropriate temperature, and eat them in an alternating fashion, beginning with purple (so that you will end on red).

Skittles – Skittles are a candy that are okay to waste. Assuming you are eating a full bag2, you are allowed to throw out the yellow, green and orange ones if you so desire. If you want to eat the whole bag, eat these colors in whatever order you want, but always (always) at least two at a time. Mixing colors is acceptable. Once the offending colors are removed from the bag, you may now move on to the purple and red. These too shall be eaten in pairs, but mixing colors is no longer allowed. You will pour a handful from the bag, pair them up, always ending each handful with red. If you happen to pour an odd number you may eat three at once…of all the same color.

SweetTarts – Due to the packaging (Spree will have a similar problem), you are required to eat these in the order given to you…and no two packages are the same. Unfortunately, no one on earth likes the blue ones, so you will forced to eat them.3 So, unwrap one end and begin your quest. Once you near the last 5-10 SweetTarts, you should unwrap the remaining candies and sort them according to color. All the blues shall be eaten first, then yellow and green, followed closely by orange, and of course, finishing with an alternating purple and red strategy. If you have been bad lately, you may not have any red in your last handful, at which point you should seriously evaluate your life because someone is out to get you.

Spree – With similar packaging as the SweetTarts, your plan of attack will be similar. HOWEVER (and I cannot stress this enough), Spree is the only candy on Earth where the green ones are the best. Please follow the SweetTart regimen but finish with green. You must finish with green.

Nerds – The key to Nerds is that you mustn’t EVER mix the colors.4 Upon purchasing a box of Nerds, you should decide which side of the box will be the best and eat that side last. You are required to fully consume the less-good side of the box before moving to the more-good side. If your spouse asks to have a taste of your Nerds, he/she is required to take a pull from the side you are currently eating.5

Gummi Worms – Gummi Worms are surprisingly easy to eat and have very few rules. They must be eaten in pairs, and preferably ending with at least one blue/red worm.

Gum – Also an easy-to-eat candy. Gum must eaten in pairs. If your spouse chooses to eat only one piece of gum, you are allowed to either hit him/her or eat three pieces in your next round.

Lollipops – How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I dunno. And neither should you. Lollipops should only be licked until they lose their sticky outer layer at which point, they should be bitten and their innards eaten.

Gummi-Savers – Thankfully for the plastic carrying case, this package can be opened all at once and the appropriate candies eaten in order. Open your Gummi Savers and eat all the yellow and green ones. Then, because in gummi form you can’t tell which is orange or red, alternate them with the purple and find which ever one you like the best. End with that one.

Life-Savers – Life Savers should be eaten in the order in which they are packaged. Unfortunately, depending on which end you open, this could be catastrophic or delicious. Regardless, eat them in the order in which they are packaged until you get to the end – your last two Lifesavers should always be red then white.6

Fun Dip – When will Fun-Dip makers learn that 2 Lik-M-Aid sticks are not enough? You will eat the purple sugary goodness first (even though it’s in the middle…make it work) with your first Lik-M-Aid stick. Then, after you have sufficiently crashed from your sugar high and your spouse is about to divorce you, you should begin on the red section with your second Lik-M-Aid stick. Shortly after eating this second pack, you will be covered in colored sugar7 and totally disgusted with yourself. When you feel the need to fuel your self loathing again, you should begin on the blue/green packet…but you will be out of Lik-M-Aid sticks, so you will have to use your finger. Your finger and tongue will be green for approximately 3 days.8

1. I use the “under the leg method”. Since I eat these while driving, I will warm a couple up by sticking them under my leg and turning on the seat warmer. It’s quite effective.
2. Not a Fun Pack. Due to the restricted amount of candies in a fun pack, you are always required to consume the full amount in a Fun Pack.
3. Ideally, you will eat these with a friend who has their own package and by some wishful thinking, this friend will prefer the blue ones and you will be able to trade with them.
4. In the event of a rainbow box, you may mix colors, but you must separate out the big fat ones from the small ones. The big fatties should be eaten individually.
5. If your spouse is sneaky and waits until you have finished the less-good side to ask for some candy (because all he wants is the more-good side) you are no longer required to share with him.
6. Another one of the candy anomalies, white Lifesavers are clearly the best flavor.
7. Because this is EASILY the messiest candy ever created.
8. It is sometimes best to find a small child with a harried mother to give this to. They will appreciate it.

2 comments:

laura said...

This is one of the most genuis and entertaining things I have ever read.

Tommy said...

Effing hilarious! Hahaha. Although I do feel attacked at some of the spouse comments....