I'm like a newborn.

I have a retainer thing that I sleep in every night. It's supposed to help me sleep better. I haven't found much noticeable difference, but whatever. I paid for the thing so I'll use it.

It is like a retainer or snore guard in that it has two plastic pieces that cover my upper and lower teeth. The pieces are connected with small rubber bands type things that are intended to pull my lower jaw forward and therefore keep my air passageways open and therefore not choke to death while sleeping. Sounds like a good plan, eh?

The beauty of the device is that:
1. It hurts. Not in the painful, I-Just-Got-Braces-Way, but in the I've-Had-Braces-And-They-Changed-Out-The-Rubberbands way. Not excruciating, but definitely not fun.
2. It causes me to drool. A lot. Like, I don't wake up from choking anymore - I wake up from laying in a pool of my own saliva. I'm gonna drown, brutha!
3. It causes me to have some of the worst morning breath known to man...or caveman for that matter. The fact that Tommy pretends to enjoy kissing me in the morning is a testament to our love.
4. My jaw is messed up for the first few hours of the morning and I can't chew properly. I find it's best to eat soft things until about noon.

And after all of these wonderful side effects, they wonder why I can't sleep. Hmmm.

But, I've committed to giving the thing a try. I've been wearing it consistently for about 3 months. Tuesday night, I thought it might be time to upgrade the bands - the bands stretch out over time and to increase the forward movement of the jaw, you have to slowly increase the sturdiness of the bands. I upgraded to similar length, but less flexible bands. This hurt.

I was able to fall asleep, but I awoke around 1am in a lot of pain. I decided to take out the retainer. Normally I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, take out the retainer, and rinse with Listerine. Several times. This night, for some reason, I decided to be lazy and stay in bed. I took out the retainer and took a giant sip of water. I swished it around in my mouth for a minute, like I do with Listerine, and then I spit it out, like I do with Listerine. The problem was that I was still in bed and in my sleepy stupor, I spit an entire mouthfull of water on the bed. Are you kidding me? Apparently, in my old age, I have reverted back to a childlike state wherein I sleep in large pools of liquid. And just like in Big Daddy, I just threw a towel on it and went back to bed.

I need to change those sheets tonight, mkay?

Wish me luck. Me and my mandibular oral advancement device are not really hitting off. Christy need sleep!!