Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Tommy and I spent our Valentines Day wandering the neighborhood and going to open houses (we finished our wonderful walk at Cedar Creek where we enjoyed a few beers and a delicious, albeit not nutritious, linner).

We started at the one across the street. We had looked at this exact house but a few streets away when we were in the market. We discovered pretty quickly that while we liked the layout, they were overpriced (WAY overpriced), had a wierd front yard (very Pleasantville), didn't have master suite (AT ALL! No bathroom, no closet, no nothing!) and the third bedroom would have been better suited as a closet (a small closet). All in all, we weren't impressed. Regardless, I wanted to check out this house because I like checking out how other people decorate and snooping.

Open houses are pretty much my happy place.

So, away we went and we met the wonderful (ha!) realtor at the house. I was wearing my IMCOZ visor and he struck up a conversation about Ironman. Darn. I had now acheived TWO goals for the day: I was gonna get to snoop AND I got to talk about Ironman to someone who cared. HOORAY! Best Valentines Day EVER.

The three of us got to talking about Cozumel and racing in general. It was love at first sight...until it wasn't. Isn't that always the case with love at first sight? Siiigh. Well, while Realtor Man seemed super cool at first, he quickly turned on the dooshbaggy-ness for all the world to see.

His first comment was, "Yeah, my $12,000 bike should be here soon. I know that will make all the difference in the world. I won't have to worry about my biking anymore once that gets here." Okay buddy, sure thing.

Then he goes on to say that he "is phenomenal on the swim and the run and with the new bike I should be amazing there as well. I can run a marathon in like, under 4 hours." HAHAHAHA. Dude, a 4 hour marathon is pretty awesome and very respectable..."phenomenal"? No. I don't think a 4 hour marathon is phenomenal. At all. He says he raced Houston this year and did amazing.

Then he asks how well we did in Cozumel. We tell him that we finished in just under 13 hours (which BTW is pretty freaking AWESOME) and his response is, "Yeah, that's semi-respectable." WTF dude? Seriously?

He says that he is going to qualify for Kona this year and that his half times are incredible. (Who says that?). We ask what halves he has done and what his times are and he doesn't know. Um, what? Everyone knows. You KNOW your PR for a race like that. And frankly, if you are training for an Ironman, you are a Type A personality, and you have all your PR's memorized. And if you are too senile to memorize them, you have them written down in your wallet so you can reference them at any given moment. Seriously.

At about this point in the conversation I am trying to edge my way out before I say something like, "Dude, you won't qualify for Kona in this lifetime, but keep up the power of positive thinking." Because seriously, he sucked so much.

We finally escaped without me slapping some sense into him and I spent the next few hours devising a plan to stalk him. I searched his name, I searched old race databases, I searched athlinks, I searched it all and the verdict is that this boy ain't done no races! He didn't race the Houston Marathon (although his wife, whom he claimed is even faster than him, may have finished in a solid 5:43hours...phenomenal). He didn't race any Ironman brand races EVER, isn't on Athlinks, and doesn't exist in the racing world at all.

Sorry pal. You're just another poser. Memorize some fake race splits and maybe someone will believe you.

Get out there and race!!