MySpace. MyHeroTom.

So a friend of mine, okay, not MY friend, but a cousin of a friends mother-in-law's sister's daughter just signed up for myspace...this is an email from her (this is a real email, all we can hope is that she is kidding...):

"Oh, by the way, I signed up for the my space. Of course I didn't take the time yet to do the whole profile, but it did connect me with a really hot 30 year old single guy from California named Tom. At first I thought you did it as a joke, but it seems ligit! He says he is there for me if I have any questions. Hmmmm...let me think?"

I just want to give her a hug and a little pat on the head.

The OC.

I really was getting depressed that nothing funny has happened to me lately, that is, until I got to work this morning and this little nugget awaited me in my inbox:

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff [mailto:jeffrey@hotmail.com]
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2006 6:52 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: Game Night

Oh, it's a known fact that I love The OC. I'm over the shame. But it is a little gee that Cohen is my favorite character. But, to put things in perspective, I'd make out w/ the characters in this order: Summer, the girls that Ryan has dated, Marissa, Anna, Marissa's sister, the moms, any other girls on the show, and THEN Cohen.

It's been awhile, but my life hasn't been that funny. Until this weekend.

I went to Dallas on Saturday for a wedding and a bridal shower - both of which were excellently fun.

From Erik on Saturday before the wedding:

From: Erik
Reply-To: Wehner
To: Wehner
Subject: [Wehner] Marital Bliss
Date: Sat, 20 May 2006 10:06:37

In honor of Zach's impending marriage later today, I offer this: the new Official Biology Professor of Camp Wehner.

http://www.albany.edu/faculty/sywang/

Quoth the wise man, "that's what SHE said!"

****************

Highlights of the weekend include, but are not limited to:

1. A lifesize cardboard cut-out of Zach in his scuba gear - Scuba Zach crowd surfed and apparently crashed some other parties in the hotel.
2. Trying on some scary Roller Girl costumes with Amanda. You never know when you might need one of those.
3. Playing the guitar (well, I was listening) and having a typical Wehner sing-a-long. Baby got back.
4. Fighting over a piece of cake with the fam.

It was a good weekend totalling 9 hours of sleep in 3 nights. I could use a nap.

Stellar.

Every Day SHOULD Be Saturday...

...especially if Saturday is like this...

From: Erik
To: Christy
Subject: white people
Date: Thu, 4 May 2006 21:17:48 -0500

This is a link to a college football blog I read. Now, you may be wondering why I am sending a sports link to my friend Christy, but I promise you this: skip the words and go to the video, and you will enjoy this. I will say no more - only remember this: you get to laugh AND tell people that you read a sports blog. In one day.

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=2012

Lost and Found.

I just found this in my email while I was cleaning it out. I was amused. Not that it takes much to amuse me.


-----Original Message-----
From: Mark (M)
Sent: Thursday, June 02, 2005 10:58 AM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Ode to Miss Benny


poor poor me
I am so low
my little Miss Benny
went to Mexico

I hope she has fun
I hope she gets tan
I hope she doesn't fall in love
with a little Mexican man

When she returns
I will be happy
Unless she doesn't bring me something
then that would be crappy

I'd like a shot glass, a sea shell
an ashtray from the cantina
a towel from the hotel
and a big breasted Latina

When people go to Mexico
they get pretty randy
drink lots of tequila
and eat lots of candy

If she gets really sunburned
oh, that will be the pits
and if she drinks lots water
she'll get a case of the ..... hiccups

Hurry back Miss Benny
we'll try to make it without you
but until you return
all my days will be blue...

Engineering Dorks.

Let me preface this with: The highlight of my trip with some co-workers this week when we got into a lengthy discussion about the encyclopdia brittanica. To quote John, " One of the most interesting encounters I have ever had with that 1962 encyclopedia brittanica..." Apparently, when John is out of books, he just plucks the DE-DU encyclopedia from the shelf and settles in for a night of enlightenment.


-----Original Message-----
From: Elrie (E)
Sent: Tuesday, May 02, 2006 1:55 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: FW: Understanding Engineers

I can't help being weird. It's in my DNA.


SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
*Sex

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
(1)things that need to be fixed,and
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 3.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Vacation.

This post will just contain all of the offensive and entertaining material I collected while out of town for 1.5 days. I would have thought there would be more, but this is high quality stuff - and let's pick quality over quantity. I discarded all emails referencing smiley faces, friendship letters and puppies.

**********************

I was unable to load the Midget Thai Boxing video, so if you are interested in seeing that, just let me know. I'll see what I can do.

**********************

Five reasons NOT to be a penis:
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

******************
From Erik, who knows who brighten my day:

http://www.improveverywhere.com/missions.php

Now, Bill, I know you won't think it's funny, but just know that I may have peed a little.

I have only read the Best Buy one, because they are very long and, frankly, I probably need to do some work today. But I will assume that the others are equally as entertaining. If not, I give you the right to flick me between the eyes.

******************
From Wayne, the British are a strange sort of folk...

The story of mayonnaise (well at least what we know): Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, theTitanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiments cheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered toMexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Happy Day everyone.

*********************

I really wish I could post the Midget Thai Boxing video. It's that good.

Crotches.

This story is two-fold, but all occuring on the same day. In neither of these stories do I get to have the sex. That's just wrong.

First-Fold: The story develops like this...In my laundry room/pantry/bathroom/garage entryway, I noticed a strange smell a week or so ago. As time passed the smell became stronger and I became alarmed. The room smelled like crotch. Man crotch, girl crotch, I don't care. It smelled bad. I couldn't figure out where the smell was coming from. I cleaned the entire room out. I did the laundry. I checked the dates on all the food in the pantry. I cleaned the bathroom. I lit candles. Crotch smell...still very prominent.

I am very bothered by this because you all know how I have a fear of being the smelly kid. Well, I try to forget about it, and get dressed to meet everyone for Coy's birthday party. I have on fabulous shoes and a clutch purse (that's it - ha. Just kidding mom) We dance, my purse clutched under my arm as a good little clutch purse should be, when Ed asks, 'How do you keep your purse from smelling like armpit?"

At this point, a little light bulb goes off. First, I smell my purse to see if it does in fact smell like my pit. It does not. It smells quite nice, as I will assume my armpits did also. I am a clean person. I bathe regularly. I promise. But the lightbulb reminds me of my dogs leash. When I take Don out of a run, I put his leash around my shoulder, so a large portion of the leash is under my arm (in the pit area). I tend to sweat when I run, and possibly get quite smelly. It IS Houston and I am running for at least an hour. So shuddup. Anyway.

When I return home, I grab the leash and take a big 'ol whif to see if that is the source of the crotchy smell. Yes. Yes it is. My dogs leash smells horrible. I threw it away. Don can't go on any more walks until he goes out and buys a new leash. Preferably one that has odor protectant. Possibly an anti-perspirant. Then he hid under the house. Dum mutt.

Second - Fold: So, we are at Coy's birthday party. In strolls a bleach blond babe in a white toob top, turquiose mini skirt and the tackiest white shoes you have ever seen. And by mini-skirt, I mean the skirts that most girls use a swimsuit cover ups on the beach. And by toob top, I mean it was mostly just covering the girls. And by tacky shoes, I mean that even the straight guys in the bar were commenting on how ugly they were.

The outfit is disturbing enough, but the story gets better. Trust me. HO-me Girl is sitting on the edge of the stage, letting her boyfriend/husband/whatever take pictures of her crotch. He would just tap her on the knee, and she would just spread those legs like she's done a hundred times. He would stick the camera up her very short skirt, so he didn't have far to travel, snap the pic and then of course, he would show the footage to anyone who wanted to see.

RRRRR you kidding me? I tried to get people to get a pic with my camera phone so I could post it on here, but then I remembered my mom reads this and that's just weird. So, just imagine. I'll assume it looks very much like a normal crotch in public.

Then Seth passed out Skittles and told people it was ecstasy - those little wannabe druggies just swallowed them things whole. That's just a waste of good Skittles.