Typical

It was a typical week in our household, but lucky for me (and unlucky for Tommy), most of the bad crap happened to him. Regardless, it was an expensive week.

On Monday, Tommy hit a giant piece of wood on the highway - it flattened one of his tires. Let's remember that his car is not quite yet 2 months old.

On Tuesday, I went and got new glasses because I got drunk on Saturday and lost mine. Ooops.

On Thursday, Tommy got a speeding ticket on his way to work. This is especially ridiculous since the man drives like a grandpa and is highly addicted to his cruise control.

All in all, it was typical of us. We try to save money, and we end up dropping a grand in one week...and we have nothing to show for it. Awesome.

We did round out Thursday night with a fabulous evening at Sherlocks for Aggie Happy Hour. And we are moving into our new house next Monday...ouch. Here are some pics of the new place. We are moving into Gay Central, which is also known as Montrose. And our neighbors have a pool according to GoogleEarth...looks like I'll be trying to befriend them ASAP.


The front of the house


The living/dining room.

One of the major concerns was how will set up the living room to be the most conducive to Rock Band...?? The big questions in life always throw me too.

I CAN'T WAIT!!

I'm going gray.

Not really. However, I did have the opportunity to see what it would be like yesterday morning.

I went to the gym before work, like I always do, and took my shower and got dressed afterwards. As I was finishing up my hair, I realized I had forgotten hairspray for my (oh so lovely) bangs. The YMCA has a little bucket of items that you might forget, so I grabbed an aerosol can and sprayed my bangs down. About midway through spraying, I realized that it smelled "fresh". Well, it smelled fresh because it was in fact aerosol deodorant...not hairspray. Awesome. The deodorant turned my entire head gray. It wasn't pretty. Apparently, I'm not going to age well.

Then of course, I had to rewash my hair in the sink. I heart getting dressed at the gym.

Ode to my old phone

I just got a new phone. My old phone totally sucked so this is a great improvement. HOWEVER, there is one feature that my old phone had that my new one is lacking and it saddens me greatly.

I se predictive text while texting (duh.). I have gotten pretty good at it and I feel that I can safely text while driving at most speeds. This isn't relevant, I just wanted to brag.

My old phones predictive text was amazing though. When I type the word "comes" into my phone for texting, the predictive texter would guess that I was trying to type "boner". Every single time. You can't buy that can't of humor. You have no idea how many texts I sent to my mother about boners.

You know there are a bunch of Asians out there who design phones and are just cracking themselves up. I just wish this novel feature had been incorporated into my new model. Siiiiiigh.

Speaking of boners, have you heard that Rod Ryan show where they get the grandma's to call in and see how many times they can say "boner"? Hahahahahaha.

I miss my phone.

What's in a name?

I normally don't print full names or email addresses on here for fear that some of you might turn out to be crazy stalker people and show up outside my window one night...but this practice also protects the innocents in my stories. However, in this instance, I can't avoid it. So, I apologize in advance.

Simple Disclaimer (stolen from The Bachelor blog I sdore):
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

So, I'm sorry too.

What's in a name? I have two stories.


Story #1
At Academy the other day, Tommy and I had some issues at the customer service counter. The girl couldn't figure out how to make our 37 gift cards into one giant gift card. We fought with her forever about it. Finally, we convinced her that buying ONE gift card for $214.67 and paying for that ONE gift card with 37 gift cards was the easiest way to do this. I maintain that her lack of brain cells is due to the fact that her name was TREMENDOUS JOHNSON. Yes, folks, you heard me right. Her name was Tremendous Johnson. When I have children, I hope I go through the list of names and pick something that means Giant Wiener as well.

Story #2
I had to set up a meeting last week with a woman named Betty Heverly whom I have never met. Everytime I looked at her name, I said "Beverly Heverly"...instead of Betty. Our meeting began and the first thing she says to me is "Do not call me Beverly." I spent the next two hours calling her Beverly...over and over again. I can't figure out why I'm not CEO yet.

I think Tommy is in trouble...

Some thought my last blog was somewhat negative. Here are Ed's thoughts concerning my Negative Nancy-ness:

Edward-o to me
8:28 am (7 hours ago)

I read your blog today. You need to get laid more and maybe your anger will subside. If you are getting laid regularly then you need to have a threesome with Tommy and another girl….twice. Tommy did not put me up to this.

Ed

10 Things I Hate About You

Whistling/Singing/Humming to oneself. I just don't understand the reasoning behind this. Never once have I sung to myself in the presence of others. Don't get me wrong, I sing by myself all the time...that's the key though, I'm BY MYSELF. I don't understand people who hum while they pee, or sing in the stairwell, or whistle while they grocery shop. It's annoying. If I wanted music, I'd wear headphones. I may have to start wearing headphones just drown you out.

Conference calls on speakerphone in a cubicle farm.

Body Odor. But more specifically, men who sit next to me on planes with body odor.

Men with long gnarly fingernails (who don't do drugs and therefore have no need for gnarly long fingernails.)

Men with long gnarly fingernails...including the ones who do drugs.

Farting in a cubicle farm...we are not talking SBD's (Silent But Deadlys), we are talking full on tooting at regular intervals. Why must I be forced to contain my laughter? And why doens't anyone else think this is funny?

When the queso at a mexican food place is gross.

Valet parking at ridiculous places and at ridiculous times. More specifically, I hate paying to park and this is considered an acceptable reason for me to decline an invitation somewhere.

People with names like Tremendous Johnson. Yes, I have met a woman named Tremendous - she works at Academy on Westheimer at Voss. She was dumb as a stick. I realize these two things would appear to be unrelated, but I know that if my name was Tremendous, I probably wouldn't feel like I needed to use my brain either.

Customer Service Representatives. I dislike them all out of principle, but I really hate the ones who can't speak my language and/or who have absolutely no desire to actually fix the problem. I REALLY hate Comcast.

People who consistently can't turn off their cell phone ringers. And especially people who consistently can't turn off their cell phone ringers who have annoying rings. No, it not cool when your phone barks instead of rings. No, I do not like the theme song from Growing Pains (that's a lie, I DO like the theme song, just not every 20 minutes). You've been reminded 37 times to turn off your ringer...why are you an idiot?

People who repeat the same joke over and over again until you laugh. And before any of you judge me, I am well aware that I do this...but I hate it about myself. Ugh!The first step is recognizing that you have a problem. The second step is remembering that you don't talk about Fight Club.

Crumbly cheeses. Rain. Brussel sprouts. Small dogs. Small cars. Big bridges. Treadmill. Spiders, snakes and most other reptilia and amphibia and arachnids and such. Tequila. Retractable leashes. Cats.

These are just to name a few. I'm such an upbeat person.

Chain Lingerie?

Funny little thing that happened to my friend, who we will call Schmelrie, last night. He was on a "date" and they were walking around the multi-Starbucked area of River Oaks on West Gray... (the names have been changed to protect the filthy).

From Schmelrie:
We’re walking by river oaks theatre, and she mentioned that she’d never been in that area. I say there’s tons of shopping, not my style, because I’m a guy. She said that it’s not really her style either.

So we walk next to a lingerie place, and I point at some risqué clothing, and I say, "Is that more your style?"

Her response, “No, I preferred chains.”

Schmelrie’s response, “Chains? I didn’t know you were that type of girl.”

Her response, “No, I mean chain stores, I prefer shopping at chain stores.”

I thought she liked to wear chain lingerie.

SPIDERMAN!

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2824138.html

This would make any trip complete.

I HATE COMCAST

I hate them. If I ever meet another one of their technicians, I will shoot them.

If I had a baby, he would be a Blood.

Parents Fight Over Which Gang Toddler Should Join

Police: Mother A Crip, Father A Westside Baller
POSTED: 7:10 pm MDT April 10, 2008
UPDATED: 7:27 am MDT April 11, 2008

COMMERCE CITY, Colo. -- A couple fighting about which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join caused a public disturbance that resulted in the father's arrest, Commerce City police said Thursday.

On Saturday, Joseph Manzanares stormed into the Hollywood Video store where his girlfriend worked, threatened to kill her and knocked over several video displays and even a computer, Commerce City police Sgt. Joe Sandoval said.

After he ran out of the store, police were called and the 19-year-old was arrested at his home.

His girlfriend told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to. The teen mother, who is black, is a member of the Crips. Manzanares is Hispanic and belongs to the Westside Ballers gang, the woman said.

"They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" Sandoval said.

Manzanares was charged with disorderly conduct, harassment, and domestic violence.

Types of Runners

I'm a Stinkbomber.

http://www.active.com/running/Articles/The_10_Types_of_Runners.htm

Chuck Norris

So, I work for Dow Chemical. Our slogan is "The Human Element"...if you watch the National Geographic channel, you've seen the commercials. If you don't then you are probably cooler than all the people I work with. Anyways, our CEO writes this blog every so often and people are given the opportunity to comment. At the end of the comments today, this was what I read:

I heard Chuck Norris destroyed the "Human Element" because the only element he believes in is "The element of suprise".
Nathan | April 8, 2008 2:41 AM

Who says engineers aren't funny? (I would like to point out that this comment was made at 2:41AM. Seriously?)

Reasons I Heart My Husband

Now, this could get a little sappy, but really, I must brag for a little bit. Oh, and the reasons are included, but not limited to, the items listed here.

10. He lets me sleep on the side of the bed with the air conditioner. And he doesn't even complain (at least not much) about the fish flopping I do when I can't sleep (which is all the time).
9. He loves to sit outside all day with me...sometimes we go to the park, sometimes we go to the bar, sometimes we go to the pool...it doesn't matter. But a gorgeous day means we are outside. However, we did waste one of the most beautiful days of 2007 inside Bed, Bath and Beyond for 4 hours registering for wedding gifts...painful.
8. He bought me Rock Band and lets me play the drums all the time.
7. He is hsyterical. Probably the funniest person I know. Kangaroo Song! Kangaroo Song!
6. He looks super hot in his Six Jeans..and his Sevens. Yes, I fully support the purchase of fancy pants for men...seriously, his butt looks so good!
5. He is such a good friend - to me and to everyone he meets. This is a good thing because I am generally pretty evil...they say opposites attract?
4. He took me to the ballet for my birthday and didn't even make fun of me when I cried through the whole thing. Then at intermission, we bought too much booze, so he smuggled it into the theater in his coat pockets.
3. He has adopted my dog...his name is now Dog Blain. And he taught him how to do the Hog Tie...it's very similar to calves getting roped.
2. He loves to be a redneck. It's funny though, because a guy who wears Seven Jeans can't actually BE a redneck, but he tries...he really does. He drinks crappy beer, shoots bb-guns and fishes. For some reason, this turns me on. It baffles me too.
1. He calls me his angel...and we all know how unangelic I typically am.
0. Mostly though, I love him because when the alarm goes off at 4:30 in the morning, he cuddles me for the first 9 minutes of my day (snooze time)...and it is the best 9 minutes of every day.


Okay, enough sap. But seriously, I am the luckiest woman alive.

Irrational Women. Ex: Me.

My birthday was yesterday. Wahoo.

For this momentous day, my wonderful husband planned a week of festivities (birthDAY my arse, let's schedule a week my friends!). We started the Sunday before with Sunday Funday at the fabulous pub down the street from our house. We drank too much and ate too much crawfish and it was magical. On Wednesday, we were all supposed to go to Lucky's, a bar downtown, to play Rock Band...they have Rock Band night on Wednesdays. Thursday, we would do dinner and dancing at Wild West. Friday, there was a special date for just he and I, and on Saturday, my parents were coming in town to go to the rodeo. Then, we would round it out with another Sunday Funday. Life is good my friends.

I was really looking forward to Rock Band at Lucky's. Like, REALLY looking forward to it. I mean, REEEEEEEEAALLY looking forward to it. I am tired of playing Rock Band in my living room. I wanted to get out and on that stage and show people what I am made of. And frankly, I just like being on a stage...and since I am officially too old/fat to be a ballerina, this is my next best thing. Oh, and did I mention that I am totally obsessed with Rock Band? I lay awake at night thinking of paradiddles and backbeats. Seriously. I got fancy drumsticks as presents for my birthday. I mean, I am obsessed.

Well, we go to Lucky's, and there is a table by the door collecting "donations" for Putnam County Spelling Bee (which is a play...not actually a spelling bee), so we went around to the back where the basketball game was on. We all order drinks, spelling bee ends and we go to the main room to play Rock Band. After about an hour, the truth comes out. Lucky's XBOX experienced the Circle of Death and there will be no Rock Band.

Now, I realized that this was not the end of the world. I realized that the day could go on and I could just relax and have fun. I realized that my friends had all come out to hang out with me and I should enjoy them, but for some reason I was irrationally upset. I also realized that it was irrational for me to be upset. But I was upset nonetheless.

One of the beautiful things about being a woman is that we can get upset over nothing and pretty much get away with it. I mean, I know you all thought I was a crazy hooooo on Wednesday, but you loved me enough to come out on Thursday and pretend like nothing happened. Thanks. You are appreciated.

Now, I have decided that we will just take Rock Band to The Wet Spot one rainy day this summer and I will get to have my Rock Band public debut. It WILL happen. I didn't practice Enter Sandman on Expert for nothing.

Oh, and not to toot my own horn, but I am awesome at Rock Band. Since I didn't get to have my drumming debut, I will just have to tell you about my awesomeness. Seriously, I'm good.

I have informed my wonderful husband that we will be purchasing a house with the sole purpose of me having a room for the drum set that I will be purchasing in the near future. As if I didn't already have enough hearing problems...

My. Life. Goal.

I have always talked about how awesome it would be if a group of arbitrary people broke out in song and dance for no apparent reason. Well, these people have made my dreams come true. Please check out this video. I worship these people.

http://improveverywhere.com/2008/03/09/food-court-musical/#more-221

Sunday Funday!

We got accidentally drunk on Sunday. And it was good.

Tommy and I woke up with a hankering for some food...normally we are veri decisive about our food selection (and by "we", i mean "me"), but this day we couldn't come up with what we wanted. We drove around and finally ended up at KC's Bar and Grill for some crawfish.

We called Janelle who called Francis and Kate. We called Matt and Brandie. And thus, Sunday Funday was born.

The crawfish were very expensive, so we only ate enough for it to be a nice little snack-etizer, and then the rest of the crew started showing up. Tommy and I had been enjoying a rousing game of Rummy (our typical card game) when Janelle showed up and wanted to play Mississippi Hi-Lo. (So, really, the downward spiral of the day can all be blamed on Janelle). Francis and Kate and Matt and Brandie all showed up and the day just got better. Eventually, we decided that Rock Band was in order and we trekked back to the our shack for some musical talent.

Luckily, Brandie ordered pizza...we may not have survived the day without it. We played Rock Band until our fingers were numb. How there are no pictures of this day is totally beyond me.

Eventually, when I discovered that Tommy's khaki shorts were covered in red wine, but he couldn't form a sentence long enough to tell me how this happened, I kicked everyone out. Haha. I have no idea what time everyone left.

After a fit-full night of drunken sleeping, I woke up to find two slices of pizza sitting atop the butter in the refrigerator...they weren't packaged in any way. Just two slices on the butter. Awesome. We ate them for breakfast.

The tornado that destroyed our living room the previous evening was dealt with...the wine was cleaned and with a little vacuuming, all the pizza and beer remnants were taken care of.

I heart Sunday Funday. It was the perfect end to a perfect weekend!!

Tommy and I spent Monday working off our hangover at Cafe Adobe with some margaritas and then went to the movies.

This is the story of the wine spillage, told by Francis:

from Francis
to Christy, Brandie, Matt, Janelle, Kate, Tommy
date Mar 3, 2008 10:39 AM
subject Re: Sunday Funday!!


Ok. Here is the play by play for Tommy's wine spillage... We were rockin out and Tommy really liked how I had just finished a part in the song... so he was being the happy supporter and leaned over and gave me a big "good job" jab to my arm (in a nice way)... and said something like, "that a way Frannie"... (not exactly sure since there was some slurring involved)... then he leaned back to his spot and that is when he took his wine glass with him.... I didn't want him to feel bad while he was in his happy drunk state so I thought I'd wait until today to give the play by play... :)

I did my couch work late last night... catching up on my episodes of Lost and other missed shows... went to bed at 2:30am and was a little tired getting up today...yes I went to work....

Looking forward to our next fun session!

Janelle's Response:

from Janelle
to Francis, Christy, Brandie, Matt, Kate, Tommy
date Mar 3, 2008 5:02 PM
subject RE: Sunday Funday!!


francis' recap of the spilling wine is pretty accurate as i was happily sitting on the couch drinking my beer. the places the wine spilled: carpet/rug, table, and all over tommy's leg- did you feel the stickiness after it all dried???

My Mom's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My mom has had a rough couple of weeks - work sucks, she is stressed out and their two dogs are ages 15 and 17 and have lost their minds and all bladder control.

The dogs are very old and very senile. One of them, Fluffy is about 15 years old, completely deaf, blind, and has lost his mind. It's very sad - he has been a part of our family for so long. My parents decided to put him down next weekend - I will be heading home to Dallas to say goodbye and hang out with my family. But yesterday, my mom was sitting around, thinking about how she didn't think she could do it - putting him down would be way to hard...that is, she thought it would be too hard until THIS happened:

Like previously mentioned, Fluffy has lost bladder control - he pees and poops everywhere. Apparently, the feces has gotten bad enough that my parents hate having people over...the carpet looks that bad (I'll make my own judgements when I go home this weekend). So, yesterday, my mom was thinking that she couldn't put Fluffy to sleep and then she went to run some errands. On her way out the door, she noticed a big pile of Fluffy poop, but she was running late, was stressed out and I think it has all just gotten to be too much, so she just left it and was going to clean it up when she got home in about an hour.

So, she left the poop where it was. She ran her errands and upon arrival at home, she noticed that Roomba (the robotic vacuum cleaner that lovingly vacuums every inch of the house) had turned on and began to vacuum. Then she noticed that Roomba had vacuumed the poop...and subsequently spread poop all over the house. Poop had gotten in the wheels of the Roomba and had rolled all over the house.

As if you weren't already having a bad day, right? Poor mom.

Well, since things weren't going well to begin with, she just left the poop and went back out to run more errands...in hopes that my dad would come home and clean it up. Hahaha.

Poor Fluff Dog - we will miss you!!

Projectile Soda

My friend Roy is moving to The Sandbox for work....aka Saudi Arabia. A group of us went to lunch with him to say goodbye and the conversation quickly turned perverse (as it is wont to do in Roys presence).

We discussed colonoscopies and how the men in our group feel the need to tell us of their graphic diarrhea associated with thier colonoscopies. We discussed nekkid friends at the gym...why do the old men/women feel the need to talk to me while they are naked? I have no idea. We discussed pooping in general and other things that are generally considered to be in the "Too Much Information" category....it was the perfect Drag Up lunch for Roy.

The highlight of lunch, however, was when for whatever reason, we started discussing Marque dressed in something unpleasant (I can't even remember what now). Marque said, "Now I can't get the idea of me in a thong out of my head." And that was when Troy spit his entire soda all the way across the table and onto Roy. I peed my pants a little. I haven't seen anything like that in years. It was amazing.

Sunday the 17th

Usually it's Friday the 13th that makes people's hair stand on end, but not for our family. Sunday the 17th was the Day of the Devil...I swear it was out to get us.

We awoke to the bedroom that was sweltering because our AC had broken and Conn's sucks and has decided to take their sweet time to fix it. I, having not slept well for the past 3 nights, popped out of bed because I had really just been waiting for an appropriate time to get up...I was bored senseless. I let the dog out to pee. Tommy and I start puttering. We are checking mail and chatting, reading the newspaper, making coffee, etc...typically Sunday morning.

Then the guitar to Rock Band breaks. This is a crisis. Our lives have just got flipped turned upside down. A trip to Best Buy is in order...STAT.

Then we start trying to pay bills when we learn that the bank has charged us an annual fee for something we didn't want, but they convinced us we needed...eff you Wells Fargo. We tried to get it taken off, but to no avail...they are all incompetent. I'll be switching banks as soon as I can.

Then we find a "Customer Fee" on our gas bill for $20. What the hell is a customer fee?? We tried calling, but the "Estimated Wait Time is 9,000,000,023 minutes. We will process your call in the order in which it was recieved." Eff you Centerpoint!!! If I had other gas options, I would take them!!

Finally we decide to take the guitar back...because really, a day without Rock Band is like a day in the burning inferno of hell. It takes awhile to return it because, let's be honest, despite the awesomeness that is Rock Band, it is a very poorly made game and it has broken about 4 times in the last 3 weeks. Luckily, we are still within our one month of returns to Best Buy...we have been back there thrice.

We get home and install the new guitar. It's "overdrive" mode doesn't work as well as the old one and is frankly, kind of retarded. It will likely go back by the end of the week.

After this debacle, Tommy is thouroughly depressed. I decide that it is better for us to stay home - leaving the house doesn't seem safe at this point. So, we try to watch Lord of the Rings - Return of the King (I haven't seen it). Of course, while we own all the other movies in the universe, this one has escaped out collection...so off to Blockbuster I go. But alas, the Blockbuster near our house is out of the movie. BUT in a highlight of my day, the Blockbuster person was not totally imcompetent...she knew what she was doing and she actually attempted to help a customer. Thank you Aisha...you deserve a raise. Sooo, she called another Blockbuster (about 15 minutes away)...and I went to pick up my movie. In typical (Aisha was a-typical) Blcokbuster fashion, renting a movie was a difficult task. My credit card on file expired so they need a new one, my address was wrong, my name was misspelled, blah blah blah...just let me rent a freaking movie...you have one late fee from 1997 at a Blockbuster in Timbuktu. Whatever. Just give me my effing movie!!

Ugh. I can't remember what else happened, but I am glad we stayed inside most of the day...who knows what lurked for us out our front door...

Finally. A Good Day.

Yesterday was my first good day (well, good weekday) in a looooong time. I had a decent day at work, I planned 2 trips to visit Paige in Portland this year, I had the most AMAZING run, I cuddled with my man on the couch while watching American Idol, I ate sushi, I went to bed early and I slept like a baby. Seriously. Best. Day. EVER.

In better news, I am moving to a new desk tomorrow - which means I don't have to sit next to crazy people anymore...or if I do end up next to crazy people, at least they will be NEW crazy people, and it will take awhile for their crazy to come out. I get to start a new project, which will hopefully not make me crazy and I am taking on some new/different responsibilities...next week is the first week of the rest of my life!! Hahaha. But seriously, I can't wait. I need my job to not hate me right now.

Funny things that happened this week: Nothing.

Sorry for the lame-o-ness of this entry. We really haven't left the house much since Rock Band was acquired..because, I mean, why would you leave when you could play Rock Band? I don't know.