TIGAH BAIT!

I attended my first game at Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge, Louisiana last weekend. My lovely fiance, TB, has done nothing but bash A&M tailgates and bragged about the fabulousness of tailgating at LSU over the course of our relationship. We put he boasting to the test.

We have attended several games at A&M this season - my friends have the bus you know (www.15formeat.com) - and really, it doesn't get much better than a bus. We party with our friends, do a minimum of 15 keg stands and sleep in the car. It is a magical day. I decided to cave to pre-marital pressures and attend a game at LSU and wear gold no less (I tried to find a gray or white shirt, but they were sooo expensive and I didn't want to contribute to their delinquency any more than necessary - this shirt was $14, still a rip off). We drove down on Thursday night and stayed with his sister in suburbia New Orleans. Saturday, we drove back to Baton Rouge to meet our friends Gary and D for some football FUN!

Problem #1: The game was at 2:30. Apparently games are only good at LSU at night. Why do the fans have to be so prejudice about daylight? Tommy was very upset about the daytime-ness of the game. I was prepared for the worst.

Problem #2: We didn't have tickets. So we had to buy 4 - which wasn't a huge deal surprisingly. We got 4 tickets, together at face value. YEAH. Unfortunately, there were on row FF...which also happens to be the top top row of the stadium. The good news was that it was a great photo op and we had a wall top lean against instead of suporting our body wieght the whole time.

Problem #3: While the weather was nice and hot for the pre-game, right about the time we decided it would be a good idea to enter the stadium it started pouring. Now we are packed like sardines on an escalatror to get us up to row FF. It was far. And smelly. Sweaty wet people. Amost worse than smelly wet dogs. Almost. (but yes, they have escalators...AWESOME!)

Problem #4: Once I got wet, I got very cold. I spent quarter 3 hiding by the concession stands trying to dry off/warm up. But apparently it was too ot for Mike the Tiger to make an appearance. I hope Mike realizes that he lives in Louisiana and at some point he is gonna have to man up, stop being a big pussy (ha!) and learn how to survive in the heat.

Problem #5: The guide the traffic leaving the game down to one lane, with no where to go but straight. We stayed for the entire game, walked for 30 minutes to our car, hung out for an hour and we still waited in traffic for 1.25 hours. Smart people. Now I know why people leave early. It's the only way to preserve the sanity of the driver. (But seriously, thank goodness Gary was driving...we would not have made it out alive if TB had been behind the wheel - thanks Gary!)

But other than that, it was a good weekend. Haha. Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? Ha. But really, it was great to see Rebecca and her family and our friends! Nonetheless, LSU did not pass the rigorous tests of tailgating...I'll give them one more chance to prove me wrong, but it will have to wait until 2008!

I can't lie though, the highlight for me was the corn maze we did on the way home. Awesome. I heart corn...and I really heart it when it forms a maze I can walk through!!

The Commute.

My commute sucks. A lot. I drive FROM downtown Houston to the 'burbs on I-10...I go against the traffic, but it still sucks. In fact, my traffic is often worse than the traffic going into town, but they NEVER mention the fact that it takes me 45 minutes to drive 12 miles everyday. Nonetheless, the other day I had a spectacular commute. It only took me 25 minutes and the music that was provided by my XM station (90's on 9) was AMAZING.

Song #1: I hop in the car after a great workout to hear the opening bars of "Pony" by Ginuwine. For those who don't know, this is a karaoke staple of mine and also one of my all time favorite songs. And I got to hear the whole thing. Don't you hate it when you only get to hear half of your favorite song? I do.

Song #2: New Kids on the Block (NKOTB) sing "Hangin' Tough" for me next. I grew up WORSHIPPING NKOTB. Worshipping. OMG, I hearted Donny. Hearted him.

Song #3: "Wonderwall" by Oasis. I know some of you are Oasis haters, but really, we probably shouldn't be friends anyway. Oasis rocks. The only way this could have been better would have been if the song had been "Champagne Supernova".

Song #4: We are starting to wind down now, I am exiting I-10 onto the Beltway when I hear "I Will Remember You" by Mrs Sarah MicLocklin (no idea how to spell it, so I'll just butcher it instead of trying). Just the right song to end my perfect commute to work on the right note.

This was the same day I dropped my keys down the elevator shaft. Awesome. I should have known something was up.

I didn't think I would need XM radio. I really didn't think I would get addicted. But I sooooo did. I need XM. Mostly I just need the 90's station...I would like to relive my formative years over and over and over. Maybe this time John Coil-oil will ask me to go steady with him. Ooooh, or maybe Sean Moore. Yeah. Him.

Quotes of the Day.

Can you wear cherries after Labor Day? - Brandie

Orange camo is the new black. - TommyB

Apparently all my friends are fashion forward.

Kristin and Eric's Wedding!

The wedding was beautiful - Kristin looked GORGEOUS (I may try and trade dresses with her), and the ceremony was perfect. The recption site was one of the most beautiful places EVER - old italian style - it was incredible. I would say that the only downfall of the whole day was the fact that we all look like sweaty piggies in the pictures because the AC was broken. But, regardless, we had such a great time!!


More pictures to come, but here is one that Val took:

Me, Liz, Kristin, Val, Jodie and Kate (doing her sexy face?)

I dropped my keys down the elevator shaft.

I do not think this requires much more elaboration.

Please snigger softly.

Funnies.

This was sent by Gilmore and enjoyed by many:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=rules/070905&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab2pos1

...the best part of this site is Rule #22. See, Tommy, it is UNACCEPTABLE to not know the words to your fight song. No excuses. Slacker. The good news is that you have at least 37 schools can you root for...seeing as how you went to all of them. The bad news is that you have a lot of fight songs to learn.

This was sent by Christine and enjoyed by me, pretty much everyday for the last 3 months:

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

...the best part of this site is pretty much all of it. I hate passive aggressiveness and pretty much passiveness all together. If you're being passive, you obviously don't care enough and therefore I win until you decide to grow some balls and have an actual opinion.

I heart donuts.

I really do heart them. More than I heart cheese. Seriously. The only thing that makes me eat cheese more often than donuts is the total absence of anything remotely healthy about donuts. Cheese at least has SOMETHING going for it. It may be fattening, but it has nutrients!!

I gave up donuts for 419 days...it was a miserable time. I am now back on the donuts, but I am no longer addicted. I would even venture to say that I only eat them as often as the normal American person. But there was a time, in a magical land, far far away, when I would eat at least 5 a day...a dozen was no big thing.

Brandie sent me this today:
http://cityguides.msn.com/citylife/article.aspx?cp-documentid=5354141&page=1

I heart them. I really do. I also think I may heart the man who wrote this article...he and I cold be BFF.

My wedding. Er, I mean, OUR wedding.

Let's begin. Weddings make me crazy. How they don't make EVERYONE crazy is totally beyond me. I had to stop reading wedding magazines because they made me crazy. I actually started to believe that I needed, like seriously NEEDED, lilies flown in from Japan on the wings of doves or my marriage would fail. If I didn't have a $13,000 dress to wear, my fiance (who wears short shorts and Tevas) would obviously think he could do better and run away the minute he saw me walk down the aisle. Well, I finally stopped reading the magazines and am now living in a wedding induced haze...much more enjoyable, yet still ridiculous. Nonetheless, I have nixed flowers all together and chosen this dress, which cost approximately $34 to make...out of toilet paper.

Links.

We will start this post off with a slighty depressing, yet heartwarmingly optimistic note, and then finish with a laugh.

http://www.strengthforphillip.com/
http://www.jessicagage.com/

My friends are falling apart, so please keep these people in your thoughts. They need them more than you do.

To end with a laugh:

http://www.15formeat.com/index.php

Bus 42 made it's maiden voyage to College Station this weekend...intact, surprisingly. Saturday was a blast, but as of Sunday, I will never drink beer again. More on this topic later.

Bus 42's First Trip to Wings-N-More

(At Top) Vince, Erik, Jorja, Holly (Second Row) Kevin, Chuck, Jennifer, Thomas, Tommy, ME!, Sarah, Gilmore (Front Row) Jessica and Zach

Bachelorette Party.

My sister organized a fabulous river float for my bachelorette party last weekend. We had a fabulous time.

Highlights include:

• High Pour!!
• "This is the best 16th birthday party EVER!" - Erin
• Box wine, sans box...from old men
• Marriage advice from the old men with the udder of wine
• Kings Cup - green men, snorting and shimmy!!
• Flip Cup

General Hygiene.

I have to work very closely with a man who will call Jerry. Jerry called me one day to see if he could come up to my desk to work on a project. I said sure. That sounds great. Now, he called during lunchtime, which normally would bother me, but today I was okay with it because I got in late, ate breakfast late and wasn't quite hungry yet. Anyways, I digress. When Jerry gets to my desk, I ask him why he wasn't eating lunch. He says he doesn't normally eat breakfast or lunch, because he has chewing tobacco. I mean, if I had chewing tobacco, I wouldn't eat either. Who needs a hamburger when you have a small tub of ground up filth that you can put in your mouth and will eventually eat YOU?

Nonetheless, I work with Jerry that day. And THAT day, just like all the others, I become nauseous from the smell of his breath. His breath reeks of tobacco and large quantities of coffee. And he spends most of the time we are working together, leaning over my shoulder and reading what I am typing...so his fantastic breath is as close my intake valve (nose) as possible. It's wonderful. I spend the full two hours he is there applying and reapplying my scented hand lotion in hopes that his breath won't permanently taint my wonderufl smelling hands. Although, now, I could probably wipe my butt with my hands, just rinse off any chunks and no one would notice.

Disgusting. People are disgusting. Bathe people. It's not hard. While you're in there, clean out underneath your fingernails. Or, even better, just trim them so junk can't live under there. Or, if you INSIST on living in filth, at least respect everyone else enough to purchase one of those bubble outfits so the rest of us don't have to suffer.

Drive-By Titties.

I was innocently enough driving home from work one afternoon. I learned through texting Tommy while driving (I know - I'm terribly unsafe) that he was also on his way home from work and he was only a few exits behind me on the highway. Normal people would have said, "okay great, see you at home", but not us. We kept chatting.

Nonetheless, I take the exit to get home and there is a homeless person (I do not actually know if said person was homeless, but they were very dirty and walking along the higway - I made an assumption) walking along the exit ramp next to my car (and 50,000 others I'm sure). I call this homeless person a "person" instead of a male or female because due to the attire and general appearance of the person, I had absolutely no what gender I was dealing with...

...that is, I had no idea what gender I was dealing with UNTIL the homeless woman decided to lift up her shirt (unprovoked) and flash her big old saggy titties at me (and 50,000 others). Not only did she lift her shirt to show me her big old saggy homeless woman titties, but then she proceeded to fondle them in such a way that made me want to reverse the fortune of my lunch.

In the way that only good fiancee's are, I ceased the texting with Tommy and just called him to let him know that he might score some big old flappers when he exited - he should keep an eye out. She was gone when he got there. He cried.

The part of this story that bothers me the most though, over the fact that a woman flashed me on the highway unprovoked, was the sheer size of her homeless woman titties. Really, she had bigger knockers than me (this is not a hard feat), but she also had bigger pillows than Jessica Simpson (size D according to Dad - gross). How does a homeless woman, who supposedly doesn't eat a square three meals a day, have big old hooters and I have little nubbins? It just doesn't seem right.

Boobies. Knockers. Hooters. Nubbins. Titties. Dirty Pillows.

Hysterics.

Thursday was a rough one for me. To be honest, the last month has been rough for me and Thursday was just the icing on the cake....the straw that broke the camel's back...the log that broke the floodgate of my tear ducts.

I'll be honest, I had been in need of a good cry. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. You build up to it for days, weeks, sometimes even months. You can feel it coming on and you know it needs to happen, and sometimes you try to force it (so you don't happen upon it at an inopportune moment), but it doesn't work - a forced cry doesn't satisfy. That shit's gotta be real.

And that brings us to Thursday evening at The Beautique.

Thursday I was supposed to have my practice hair and make up done for our wedding. The purpose being to have the same hair lady and same make-up lady as on my wedding day so that we can figure out what works and what doesn't. I had my makeup done and I'll be honest, I looked pretty good...we decided I needed more lipstick, but I looked pretty fantastic. That is, I looked fantastic until it was running down my face 20 minutes later.

When I go down to get my hair done, the girl asks when my wedding day is, and lo and behold, she will be out of town that day. This basically means that I was getting a really expensive hair-do for absolutely no reason. Awesome. And that's when I turned evil.

No, evil isn't the right word. Pathetic is more appropriate. I cried my little pathetic fully made-up eyes out. Bawled. We are talking "5-year-old-who's-mom-won't-let-her-have-Lucky-Charms-at-the-grocery-store" hysterical. I knew I was being absurd, but I couldn't stop...the floodgates were open.

The problem with being a girl is that once you get those tears flowing all the bad things in the world seem so awful and directed at you. I cried for little children in Africa and for my dead flowers in the yard...they were all obviously torturing ME.

Sooo, after discovering my wedding day makeup will not withstand uncontrollable crying for an hour, I get home...still pathetic (and now very scary looking - puffy eyes, snot, mascara all over my face). Tommy is frightened and doesn't know what to do. As his only form of defense, he turned on Tommy Boy (the movie) in an attempt to stop the snot from ruining his couch...apparently he thinks fat men in little coats cheer me up.

Apparently they do. About the time Chris Farley put on that tiny jacket I was ready to join the human race again.

Being a girl and having PMS may be one of the greatest inventions on earth. I was able to act like a complete psycho and it was totally acceptable for 2 hours on Thursday night. Awesome.

Too Much Information.

I am trying to buy a new car. Despite all the irritating salesmen (most of whos names I can't pronounce nor understand when they say them), I am actually enjoying the process. Buying a new big something is fun and it kind of gets your adrenaline pumping. I'm a fan.

I called my bank today to try to get financing and see what sorts of interest rates they were offering. I get a lady, who I CAN actually understand - which is totally bizarre and completely unheard of - so I am more friendly than usual with this particular customer service representative, we will call her Carol (because that's her name). So maybe this can be blamed on me...but I doubt it.

After a few minutes of explaining my situation, i.e. I want a loan for a new car, etc, etc, she starts to ask me questions. All (okay MOST) of which are valid. What's my address? Houston. Her response is to tell me about the last time she was in Texas there was like tennis ball size hail and it was 100 degrees outside...which means like that up in the sky in must have been like the size of basketball because it was so like hot. First of all, I don't know about the rest of you Texans, but I do not like to have my state dissed. This is the best state ever. She goes on to tell me that she lives in San Diego and the weather is always gorgeous and how she hears how awful it is in Texas and how she wouldn't live here if someone paid her. It just isn't her cup of tea, but obviously it suits you, she says.

A few more questions and then she wants to know my birthday - March 13, 1981. Oh, yayy she says, hers is on the 20th. WOW Carol, we have SO much in common. Did you know that about 1 out of every 12 people you meet has a birthday in the same month as you? Awesome. Like totally awesome. Well, in addition to having her birthday 3 days after St. Patty's day, and getting to drink left over green beer, the St. Pattys Day before her 21st birthday, she got wasted and got a four-leaf clover tattooed on her ankle. Lucky for her, she was like smart enough not to get it on her boob or arm or anywhere where she could get like fat and saggy. She's a smart cookie, that Carol.

But obviously not as smart as her oldest sister (she has 2 older siblings), who graduated from University of Texas (see, it IS the best state EVER) in 2002 with a civil engineering degree. Oh my gosh, we STILL have so much in common!! Oldest sister now works in Dallas for a large surveying company, (name unknown by Carol) doing the exact same thing as me (she seems to know exactly what I do, despite the fact that I have given her no details other than the fact that I work for a chemical company). Oldest sister decided to leave California to get away from her parents. Carol doesn't know why, she like LOVES her parents...but that's probably because the last child has more freedom. Parents like put like all the boundaries on the oldest and then the youngest get to like run around and do whatever. Carol would like totally move back home now. Awesome.

In addition to the fact that Carol is apparently from The Valley and thinks that we are BFF, she wanted to know all about my wedding plans and Tommy and why I am buying the car I am buying and if we were saving for a house and if so, were we going to buy in Texas? 'Cause really, Texas sucks.

Really, Carol, I just want to know what sort of interest rate I can get if I finance my car through your bank. I don't need to know the date of your last period or mother's maiden name. What's the interest rate? C'mon sister, like, what's it gonna be?

Toronto...Canada in General.

I met Tommy in Toronto this weekend (he was there for business). Overall, we had a great time, but I have a very things to discuss about Canada (and by 'Canada', I mean Toronto, Niagara (both Canadian and USA-ian sides), and the Buffalo and Baltimore airports.

#1. Everyone hovers in Canada.
I am all about good hygiene, but really, if you're gonna hover, at least wipe your sprinkles off the seat when you are done. As a general rule, I am a sitter. This disgusts Tommy to no end and he claims that had he known this, he wold never have proposed. I told him to suck it. And he said no way - who knows where my butt has been. Regardless, I sit. Hovering is too much of a hassle and I can't ever reach my full pee-ing potential when I hover. So, due to my desire to sit, when looking for a toilet to use in a bank of stalls, I will enter each one until I find one sans splatterings. If I can't find that, then I will either, depending on the amount of splatterings, A.) wipe the seat and then sit or B.) hover. In Canada, there was never once a toilet worthy of me sitting on it, nor was there a toilet semi-clean enough for me to wipe it off and then sit. Everyone apparently hovers and everyone is apparently very messy about it. They never had anyone write, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweety and wipe the seaty" in their yearbooks. My quads are tired.

#2. The Mason-Dixon line.
I've never been north of it...and now I know why. My parents were afraid that if I grew up in that kind of environment i would be even more hostile than I currently am. Who knows what could have happened. Tommy and I spent the days in Toronto walking around and enjoying the city - what I found bizarre is how NO ONE opens doors for each other, no one steps out of the path of another person and people just generally crash into each other with reckless abandon. On commenting to Tommy about this, his response was, "Welcome to North of the Mason-Dixon line". Well said, sir.

#3. Where are the non-asian/indian people?
'Cause they are NOT north of the mason-Dixon line. No wonder the Loonie is soaring...

#4. Tourists.
I hate tourist attractions as much as the next guy, but there are certain things you just HAVE to do. The Maid of the Mist, for example. If you are in Niagara, you must do this tour. It was amazing, by the way, and I fully recommend it. But the tourists make me crazy. They have no regard at all for personal space and they really think that by leaning 3 inches closer to the falls (over my shoulder of course) will make their pictures turn out that much better. It's a digital camera man - zoom. And really, when you are going to watch that 30 minutes video you took of the falls again? Never. You will accidentally tape So You Think You Can Dance over it next week, but because it is labeled "Niagara Falls 2007" you will never use it again.

#5. The squirrels in Canada are black. Not brown.

But seriously, the trip was a blast - Niagara is TOTALLY worth seeing and something everyone needs to do in their lifetime. Unfortunately, there isn't anything else to do in the city, so it's really just a day trip kind of place. Toronto was okay - no need to revisit. Their newspaper DOES have a huge sudoku that entertained me for approximately 2 hours though, so it wasn't a total wash.

Pictures will be included as soon as I charge the battery enough to get them off the camera.

Okay, I have enough battery now, so here are the pics:

Our second night in town, we got dressed up for a nice sushi dinner and check out the CN Tower.

TB and I with the CN Tower replica. It is about 1,460 feet taller than this.

TB being eaten by a Canadian Moose.

In this tour we learned all about meese avoidance techniques.

My dress was fun to spin in.

We followed this woman around for awhile trying to get a good picture, but this was the best I could do. Just imagine a large bowl of cottage cheese trapped in cellophane and you might be able to grasp the pain we endured.

This starts the Niagara Falls series. This is Tommy doing something I have no recollection of, seeing as how I had at least 17 beers while we played cards at a picnic table overlooking the falls.

View from our hotel room - Horseshoe Falls from the Canadian side. Amazing!

Never before have I actually seen pants like this in a store. Where in the hell does one buy pants like this?

Obligatory Maid of the Mist Poncho pic.

This child fashioned a skirt out of his poncho. I would say that the odds of him turning out to be straight at slim.

So sum up my anger on this day, view the email exchange from Tommy and I shown here. Some background:

• Aetna is my medical insurance provider - they suck for not being able to actually fill precriptions.
• Celso Garcia is our new ADT security salesman - he sucks for being a totally incompetent at what he does.
• Burnie is the man who broke into our house (his name has been changed due to a lack of actually knowing his name) - he sucks because he is he broke into our house without my permission.
• Cats are evil.
• Velveeta cheese is wrong. American cheese is also wrong. Bleu and feta tie in their wrongness.
• Karl is my creepy old landlord who came into my house and rearranged my furniture.
• Ralph (Perez) is my other creepy landlord who bathes at BurgerKing and thinks that 'debris' is spelled 'dupree'. He is just an effing idiot.
• Toyotaman is the Toyota dealership that is changing the locks on Tommy's car - they have to order parts from Nigeria and have slaves strap the pieces to their backs and swim through the gulf to bring them here. It is estimated to take 4 weeks.

-----Original Message-----
From: Tommy tommy@home.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 3:14 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

Not cats? And velveeta?


-----Original Message-----
From: "Christy (CM)" christy@work.com
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2007 16:02:59
To:Tommy tommy@home.com
Subject: RE: pension

Oh, and also my old landlord Karl. And Aetna. And mosquitos and bug repellant.

Christy

----------------
From: Tommy tommy@home.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 3:00 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

Hahahaha. That's so much hate!

On 7/18/07, Christy (CM) Christy@work.com wrote:

Awesome. I hate Toyota and Allstate and Celso. And Ralph. And Liberty Mutual and Burnie. And all customer service people.
Christy

----------------
From: Tommy [mailto:tommy@homte.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 2:34 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

No word from Celso. And the effers already have taken my car apart, just waiting on the one part to come in. So I cant cancel. Toyotaman is checking status and calling me back.

On 7/18/07, Christy (CM) mailto:Christy@work.comwrote:
silly. I hate it. you know what else I hate? Celso Garcia's and Allstates. Did you ever hear back from Celso?

Christy

Sorry. I'm sorry. Seriously. I'm sorry.

Why must you keep nagging me?

It has been brought to my attention (again) that since I started dating the wonderful TommyB, that my level of funniness has decreased dramatically. This is true. I waste all the funny on him so he won't break up with me. Therefore, I have very little funny left to share with my pals. Sorry. I'm apologizing (again).

Despite the relationship I have with Mr. TommyB, funny things still happen to me, I just tell them to him when he gets home instead of writing them down for you. I'll work on it.

Today I will relate the story of the vultures in my office...

I am the party planner at work (not to sound cocky - I DO have a team that helps me, I am just the head party planner). I plan the office picnics, the ice cream socials, and the pizza parties. Yesterday, I hosted the office pizza party. Now, bear in mind that this party is nothing special...we just wanted to buy everyone a cheap easy lunch. We held it in the cafeteria, the cafeteria provided the pizza and we played Shrek on the overhead projectors. It was not intended to be a huge formal extravaganza.

Now, this story is many-fold, but I will stick to two main points: #1. The people in my office are obviously poor and starving. #2. The people in my office have no sense of proper decorum and thankfulness.

To address problem #1: It was a pizza party. We bought enough pizza for everyone in the building (650 people) to have 2.5 slices. Some people will have 1, some people will have 4 - fair enough. We have some real teletubbies over here. But people were pissed off that they can't take a whole pizza home with them to feed their children. Pissed off. Like actually upset that they can't take a whole pizza home. Bear in mind that everyone (almost) in my office is an engineering type person who makes a healthy salary. There is no reason why they can't just go home and buy an effing pizza for dinner if they want one. Their children are not starving. There is also no reason to take 17 cokes back to your desk. Seriously man? I case of cokes is like $4. Are you REALLY that strapped for cash? Really? I think all the starving children in Africa actually work in my building.

And #2: The party was fron 11-12:30. The cafeteria was making almost 220 pizzas. No one could possibly expect ANY pizza joint to produce 220 pizzas and have them all the ready and hot at the same time. It would be impossible. But apparently the people in my office have had better luck at making 220 pizzas at once, because these pizzas were unacceptable. One woman showed up at 12:45 (15 minutes after the party had ended) and complained about the temperature of her pizza. There's a microwave you incompetent piece of crap.

There's my rant for the day. I'll see what else I can dig up for you...there were those old nasty women humping each other in Scottsdale, and Brutus the Gator I held in New Orleans...I'll see what I can do...

Sung to the tune of Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" ...

"He's a one eyed snake...look into his eye..."

Hahahahahahahahaha.

Does he like me or not?

My friend Erik is very funny. What I can't figure out is if he really likes me and wants me to enjoy his laughter or he actually despises me and wants me to die and be miserable. Because we have been friends for quite awhile now, I am going to assume that he doesn't hate me, but it's questionable.

In the mail yesterday, I recieved a note from Erik and a cutout from a magazine. The note said something like this: "I saw this and thought of you. If it weren't so completely useless and I weren't so cheap I would buy it for you." The magazine cutout was of a Cat Lady Figurine. And no, I don't mean CatWoman from Batman. I mean, like a creepy a cat lady who is old and dirty and has lots of cats. The cat lady stands at 7" tall, comes with 6 separate cats to place strategically around her, and 2 cats that protrude from her nappy hair and pant leg.

Via email yesterday, Erik sent me this: "I saw this. I laughed a lot. Then I thought you might like it. I ate a Nutri Grain this morning, and somehow... it didn't have quite the same effect." http://youtube.com/watch?v=XbFLhbJRt_E

Either Erik likes me or hates me. It's all up in the air right now.

I NEED a catlady figurine. Need it.

Josh is funny.

I hope he doesn't mind that I am stealing his 'notes' from Facebook, but who cares.

Displaying all 5 notes by Joshua.

On the subject of subjugation
by Joshua (notes) 9:05am Thursday, Oct 26
According to facebook, I can't be in a relationship with myself. This is horse shit. I mean, I'm with myself every day, and I know myself better than anyone. I can't break up with myself just because facebook doesn't approve of our relationship. What am I going to tell myself when I ask myself why I'm not in mentioned in the relationship status? Am I hiding something from myself?

The New Style
by Joshua (notes) 10:53am Saturday, Oct 21
This new trend of women wearing tights is ridicolous. They're not hip. They don't look sexy. And oversized sunglasses aren't appealing either. So cut it out already.

On the subject of Communists
by Joshua (notes) 1:39pm Thursday, Oct 19
We should feed North Korea to China.

On the subject of objective thinking
by Joshua (notes) 5:20pm Tuesday, Oct 10
Well, I failed my math test. I've been failing math tests since math tests and I ever met. I mean, simple multiplication, addition, subtraction, and division are simple. But algebra, MOSTLY algebra, doesn't make any sense to me. The introduction of imaginary numbers is absolutely puzzling. It's like introducing an imaginary wallet into an equation when I have to pay. It's neither here nor there. It's just a waste of time. It's entirely too two dimensional. Not to play on words, but criminy. So, I guess I'll study hard for the next three tests, and with any luck, I'll finish the last math class of my life with a 70. If not, don't be surprised to hear about some arson on the local news. I won't burn anything useful. Just maybe a couple city halls or a mall.