Drive-By Titties.

I was innocently enough driving home from work one afternoon. I learned through texting Tommy while driving (I know - I'm terribly unsafe) that he was also on his way home from work and he was only a few exits behind me on the highway. Normal people would have said, "okay great, see you at home", but not us. We kept chatting.

Nonetheless, I take the exit to get home and there is a homeless person (I do not actually know if said person was homeless, but they were very dirty and walking along the higway - I made an assumption) walking along the exit ramp next to my car (and 50,000 others I'm sure). I call this homeless person a "person" instead of a male or female because due to the attire and general appearance of the person, I had absolutely no what gender I was dealing with...

...that is, I had no idea what gender I was dealing with UNTIL the homeless woman decided to lift up her shirt (unprovoked) and flash her big old saggy titties at me (and 50,000 others). Not only did she lift her shirt to show me her big old saggy homeless woman titties, but then she proceeded to fondle them in such a way that made me want to reverse the fortune of my lunch.

In the way that only good fiancee's are, I ceased the texting with Tommy and just called him to let him know that he might score some big old flappers when he exited - he should keep an eye out. She was gone when he got there. He cried.

The part of this story that bothers me the most though, over the fact that a woman flashed me on the highway unprovoked, was the sheer size of her homeless woman titties. Really, she had bigger knockers than me (this is not a hard feat), but she also had bigger pillows than Jessica Simpson (size D according to Dad - gross). How does a homeless woman, who supposedly doesn't eat a square three meals a day, have big old hooters and I have little nubbins? It just doesn't seem right.

Boobies. Knockers. Hooters. Nubbins. Titties. Dirty Pillows.