My Mom's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My mom has had a rough couple of weeks - work sucks, she is stressed out and their two dogs are ages 15 and 17 and have lost their minds and all bladder control.

The dogs are very old and very senile. One of them, Fluffy is about 15 years old, completely deaf, blind, and has lost his mind. It's very sad - he has been a part of our family for so long. My parents decided to put him down next weekend - I will be heading home to Dallas to say goodbye and hang out with my family. But yesterday, my mom was sitting around, thinking about how she didn't think she could do it - putting him down would be way to hard...that is, she thought it would be too hard until THIS happened:

Like previously mentioned, Fluffy has lost bladder control - he pees and poops everywhere. Apparently, the feces has gotten bad enough that my parents hate having people over...the carpet looks that bad (I'll make my own judgements when I go home this weekend). So, yesterday, my mom was thinking that she couldn't put Fluffy to sleep and then she went to run some errands. On her way out the door, she noticed a big pile of Fluffy poop, but she was running late, was stressed out and I think it has all just gotten to be too much, so she just left it and was going to clean it up when she got home in about an hour.

So, she left the poop where it was. She ran her errands and upon arrival at home, she noticed that Roomba (the robotic vacuum cleaner that lovingly vacuums every inch of the house) had turned on and began to vacuum. Then she noticed that Roomba had vacuumed the poop...and subsequently spread poop all over the house. Poop had gotten in the wheels of the Roomba and had rolled all over the house.

As if you weren't already having a bad day, right? Poor mom.

Well, since things weren't going well to begin with, she just left the poop and went back out to run more errands...in hopes that my dad would come home and clean it up. Hahaha.

Poor Fluff Dog - we will miss you!!

Projectile Soda

My friend Roy is moving to The Sandbox for work....aka Saudi Arabia. A group of us went to lunch with him to say goodbye and the conversation quickly turned perverse (as it is wont to do in Roys presence).

We discussed colonoscopies and how the men in our group feel the need to tell us of their graphic diarrhea associated with thier colonoscopies. We discussed nekkid friends at the gym...why do the old men/women feel the need to talk to me while they are naked? I have no idea. We discussed pooping in general and other things that are generally considered to be in the "Too Much Information" category....it was the perfect Drag Up lunch for Roy.

The highlight of lunch, however, was when for whatever reason, we started discussing Marque dressed in something unpleasant (I can't even remember what now). Marque said, "Now I can't get the idea of me in a thong out of my head." And that was when Troy spit his entire soda all the way across the table and onto Roy. I peed my pants a little. I haven't seen anything like that in years. It was amazing.

Sunday the 17th

Usually it's Friday the 13th that makes people's hair stand on end, but not for our family. Sunday the 17th was the Day of the Devil...I swear it was out to get us.

We awoke to the bedroom that was sweltering because our AC had broken and Conn's sucks and has decided to take their sweet time to fix it. I, having not slept well for the past 3 nights, popped out of bed because I had really just been waiting for an appropriate time to get up...I was bored senseless. I let the dog out to pee. Tommy and I start puttering. We are checking mail and chatting, reading the newspaper, making coffee, etc...typically Sunday morning.

Then the guitar to Rock Band breaks. This is a crisis. Our lives have just got flipped turned upside down. A trip to Best Buy is in order...STAT.

Then we start trying to pay bills when we learn that the bank has charged us an annual fee for something we didn't want, but they convinced us we needed...eff you Wells Fargo. We tried to get it taken off, but to no avail...they are all incompetent. I'll be switching banks as soon as I can.

Then we find a "Customer Fee" on our gas bill for $20. What the hell is a customer fee?? We tried calling, but the "Estimated Wait Time is 9,000,000,023 minutes. We will process your call in the order in which it was recieved." Eff you Centerpoint!!! If I had other gas options, I would take them!!

Finally we decide to take the guitar back...because really, a day without Rock Band is like a day in the burning inferno of hell. It takes awhile to return it because, let's be honest, despite the awesomeness that is Rock Band, it is a very poorly made game and it has broken about 4 times in the last 3 weeks. Luckily, we are still within our one month of returns to Best Buy...we have been back there thrice.

We get home and install the new guitar. It's "overdrive" mode doesn't work as well as the old one and is frankly, kind of retarded. It will likely go back by the end of the week.

After this debacle, Tommy is thouroughly depressed. I decide that it is better for us to stay home - leaving the house doesn't seem safe at this point. So, we try to watch Lord of the Rings - Return of the King (I haven't seen it). Of course, while we own all the other movies in the universe, this one has escaped out collection...so off to Blockbuster I go. But alas, the Blockbuster near our house is out of the movie. BUT in a highlight of my day, the Blockbuster person was not totally imcompetent...she knew what she was doing and she actually attempted to help a customer. Thank you Aisha...you deserve a raise. Sooo, she called another Blockbuster (about 15 minutes away)...and I went to pick up my movie. In typical (Aisha was a-typical) Blcokbuster fashion, renting a movie was a difficult task. My credit card on file expired so they need a new one, my address was wrong, my name was misspelled, blah blah blah...just let me rent a freaking movie...you have one late fee from 1997 at a Blockbuster in Timbuktu. Whatever. Just give me my effing movie!!

Ugh. I can't remember what else happened, but I am glad we stayed inside most of the day...who knows what lurked for us out our front door...

Finally. A Good Day.

Yesterday was my first good day (well, good weekday) in a looooong time. I had a decent day at work, I planned 2 trips to visit Paige in Portland this year, I had the most AMAZING run, I cuddled with my man on the couch while watching American Idol, I ate sushi, I went to bed early and I slept like a baby. Seriously. Best. Day. EVER.

In better news, I am moving to a new desk tomorrow - which means I don't have to sit next to crazy people anymore...or if I do end up next to crazy people, at least they will be NEW crazy people, and it will take awhile for their crazy to come out. I get to start a new project, which will hopefully not make me crazy and I am taking on some new/different responsibilities...next week is the first week of the rest of my life!! Hahaha. But seriously, I can't wait. I need my job to not hate me right now.

Funny things that happened this week: Nothing.

Sorry for the lame-o-ness of this entry. We really haven't left the house much since Rock Band was acquired..because, I mean, why would you leave when you could play Rock Band? I don't know.

Notes from the Bathroom Stall

My husband, Tommy, started a new job a couple of weeks ago. So far, things have been going well...

We were having a quick little conversation via texting earlier today. I sent, "I love you", and he sent, "No, I love you". And then I sent, "Well, I love you more". And he sent, ... just kidding. But really, we were texting. He asked about my job, which currently hates me, and I asked about his day (he was supposed to be really busy). This was his response:

Tommy: Blah on your job. I'm sorry. I got enough done to stay afloat, still lots to do but should be okay with the deadline. I did get locked in the bathroom stall a few minutes ago though! Haha.

Christy: Hahahahahaha. How does that happen? How did you make your escape??

Tommy: The door broke while I was in there. Couldn't unlock it. I climbed over the top into the next stall. Luckily nobody was in there. Haha. Could have sucked though!

Christy: Hahaha. You crack me up. That's ridiculous. Hahahaha.

Tommy: Your day could be worse. You could be stuck in the can.

And you know what? It COULD be worse. I could be stuck in the men's bathroom in my office - where there is apparently a Mad Shatter on the loose. You're right. My job isn't so bad.

You Know You're a Redneck When...

From the Houston Chronicle:

Police: Beer was strapped in, but not 16-month-old
Associated Press

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. — Police have arrested a motorist they say had a 24-pack of beer strapped in with a seat belt but had a 16-month-old girl unrestrained in the back seat with the toddler's mother.

Tina D. Williams was pulled over in St. Augustine on Sunday for allegedly running a red light.

A 24-pack of Busch beer was strapped in with the passenger-side seat belt, according to an arrest report. The girl was in the back seat with 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, who is the toddler's mother.

Destination Pregnancy

My pal Val is expecting two bundles of joy this summer, currently named Baby A and Baby B. In trying to let her family and friends (myself included) plan baby showers for her, she was surprised to find out that having a baby(ies) is just like planning a wedding...it's all about you, except well, when it's all about me (which is all of the time). Ha.

This morning Val asked me if she could have a destination pregnancy. I told her that, yes, of course you can - they are called convents. Her response was, "It'll be like a womb with a view".

A womb with a view. Ha! And that my friends, is reason 9,000,001 why we heart Val.