Where Pick-Up Lines Go To Die.

My friend Tiffany has an annual birthday party (kind of redundant, eh?) where we all dress us as Christmas creatures (Santas, elves, trees, what have you) and we wander the streets of Uptown Dallas in search of the cheapest/strongest drinks we cn find. This journey typically ends at a place with karaoke, because really, who needs cheap drinks when you can have "Like a Virgin" belted out by a guy in a Santa suit? No one. That's who.

Soooo...as usual our evening ended at Uptown Bar and Grill, where they do, in fact, have karaoke. And I was in heaven. There is very little I love more in this world that karaoke.



Tommy and I dressed as presents the previous year because we are cheap - Santa suits are expensive and for about $3 we could cut arm and head holes out of a box and just wear that. Little did we know that presents are sex magnets. Seriously.

And yes, we were both fully clothed under said boxes.

I think there is something about the innuendos that are associated with saying things like, "Oh, nice box", and "I just touched your box", and "Can I see the inside of your box"...just to name a few. People are so creative. NOT. Anyways, when you are walking through a crowded bar and running into people with your box all night, you tend to hear all the innuendos you could possibly imagine.

Sooo, this year, because we are still cheap and because wearing the box means never having to find a table to put your drink on, we went as presents again.

And still, the peoples of Dallas loved it. Box joke after box joke after box joke. I'm telling you, if you are single, wrap a uhaul box, put a bow on your head and head out to paint the town red. If I didn't already have my own present to take home and unwrap, I can gaurantee I would have had success. Badum bum cha!

But, the highlight of my evening, and quite possibly my whole life (nevermind this Ironman crap), was when a guy came up to me and said, "Hey, I really like your box", with a twinkle in his eye. I, of course, having heard this line before was unfazed and turned to walk away.

He had other plans though. He grabbed my arm and said, "What's your favorite dinosaur?"

At this point, I'm thinking to myself that I MUST know where this is going. Where can the dino question lead? Surely not to his bedroom filled with lifesize dino replicas? Because that's just creepy. So, I say the first dinosaur that pops into my head..."Triceratops", I say.

He says, "Oh, so you like to fly and soar above the trees?"

And I respond with, "No, you freaking idiot. That's a pterodactyl. If you're gonna lead with the dino question, at least know your dinosaurs."

Seriously?

So, I am very grateful that I don't have date Ross Gellar's idiot brother and instead, I get to be married to this guy who is entirely okay with wearing a bow in his hair all night.



Seriously, if you're single, don a box and a bow. It's a sure thing. I'm serious.

Hump Day Update!

1. I saw this quote today "All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of other' - Cyril Connolly. I like this guy. He justifies why I am soooo not charming. Suck it!

2. On my way to work today I passed a 15 passengar van filled with prison inmates in their striped jumpsuits. They were whooping and hollering at me. I've never experienced anything like it. In the last week, I've had a great grandma tell me I'm 'smokin' and prison inmates harass me. It's my lucky day. Hey, any publicity is good publicity!

3. Sunday, July 12th was my dear friend Erik's brithday AND the 2 year anniversary of Bernie the Burglar and his Great Garage Apartment Caper!

4. This Sunday I will ride in my first century ride EVER. It's a 100 mile organized ride through the beautiful countryside of Katy, TX. Ha. Just kidding. The only benefit to riding through Katy is that it's flat and therefore I can go fast...which makes me feel like a superstar!

5. Last night I met my pal Sara for the Brian O'Neills Pub Run at, where else? Briann O'Neills. Don and I came, we saw and we conquered...and then Don was wasted for the rest of the night. After the run around Rice we had a beer with Sara's friends (and a delicious slice of chicken quesadilla!) it was my perfect kind of night...a good run, good people and good beer!

6. I went to a knee doc today. He basically said the same thing that my chiropractor was saying all along but my insurance covers it more completely. I will start therapy soon...again. I'm not hopeful.

7. This weekend is the Dog Show. OMG. I love love love LOVE the dog show. I promise I won't bring home any puppies. NOT!

8. I get to hang out with Tiffany this weekend - hooray!!

Ridiculous, Yet Awesome.

I saw this quote today from John F. Kennedy...

We choose to do half-ironmans not because they are easy, but because they are hard…
…because they serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills…
…and because the olympic distance is just a workout.

I got it from a video I saw online, and they attributed John F. Kennedy with saying it. I think it's a big lie, since triathlon wasn't really around way back when, and when I did a little googling, I wasn't able to match it up...and the video was a little silly anyway. Regardless, the quote was awesome. As was the video.

If you know who said it or can verify that JFK did in fact, say it, please let me know.

In the 5 years that I have been running and the 2 years that I have been doing triathlons, it always surprises me when I can go out and run an 13 miles like it was a walk in the park. It is amazing what your body can adapt to and what can become easy.

I started running on February 14, 2004 (the day I got my puppy) and was barely able to run 1 mile without stopping. 5 years later, I race the half-iron distance because "the olympic is just a workout". If I can do it, anyone can.

Refueling. The Hot Topics.

Today I was surfing some triathlon forums and I found some stuff about refueling during a race. Since I have SERIOUS GI issues, this is always a hot topic for me. Well, I didn't find a cute for my problems, but I did find a creative solution on how to stow your Clif Blocs during the bike.

"Before I got my Bento box, I was able to squish the cliff blocks in the holes in my helmet so when I needed them on the bike, I just had to reach up and get one. Silly, but it totally worked."

Hahahahaha - awesome. And so gross. I know where my helmet has been...THAT'S how the swine flu gets spread.

Destination Pregnancy

My pal Val is expecting two bundles of joy this summer, currently named Baby A and Baby B. In trying to let her family and friends (myself included) plan baby showers for her, she was surprised to find out that having a baby(ies) is just like planning a wedding...it's all about you, except well, when it's all about me (which is all of the time). Ha.

This morning Val asked me if she could have a destination pregnancy. I told her that, yes, of course you can - they are called convents. Her response was, "It'll be like a womb with a view".

A womb with a view. Ha! And that my friends, is reason 9,000,001 why we heart Val.

Quotes of the Day.

Can you wear cherries after Labor Day? - Brandie

Orange camo is the new black. - TommyB

Apparently all my friends are fashion forward.

Quotes

I am starting a new entry for quotes because the other one got too long and it was starting to irritate me...

He held the cucumber for too long. - Gary

Christy's grandmother's nana is mangled. - Bill

Hey baby. I love you. Can we pierce your clit with a diamond stud? - Bill

I figure that if she dies, I have a better chance of picking her up. - James from Weatherford

She is dancing with the TV. - Catherine

Quoteables...I am going to start a log of quoteable things me and my pals say. Email me if you remember something...

He must of had a 10 foot schlong. -My dear mother

Fried and weiner all in one bite!! -My dear father

Do we not have a toilet with two pots? -My mom

I have an aversion to kolaches after a night with the Scotsman. -Kate

I can't remember the name...Egyptian Monkey F*ck or something? -Mom

The moral of this story is to be careful around homsexual animals. And never wear beef scented panties. - Me

Throw it in her dumper. -Tye

Do you want some Cheerios? And by Cheerios, I mean, do you want to bang? -Zach

After we were done I made kids who misbehave pick up the tecticles with their hands. -Boot

It's like a Mike and Ike, but brown. -Kate

Did you know that if you search 'plastic surgery' on the internet, you can see penis enlargements? -Monica

Seriously, you're in a cover band. -Kate

I shit my pants, can I get in your yours? -Coy

I'd say that there is about an 80/30 chance. -Dan

Is that a monkey on that horse? -Jim

I mean, we had to have sex, I wasn't gonna put my hands or mouth on that thing. -anonymous

What the hell...did your father rape you when you were little? -Laura

Put the vagina away! -Paige

It's hot as crotch down here. - Janelle

Yeah, if Hitler had targeted cats instead of jews he would be on Mount Rushmore instead of the vilest mad man in recorded history. - Roy

What the hell is Laffy Taffy? Asshole? - Bartender at the airport bar

Why don't they have magnets with boobies and assholes? - Dani

No, dumbass. That would make her a sixteen-o-pus. - Kate

Dance on my pole. - Some guy at the beach

Open your throat and let it pour down. It's easier to swallow when you are on your knees. - LA Boyfriend

You look good for your age. - A sixteen year-old with a retainer

They make my stupid bird mouth look even birdier. -Jodie

He might as well have raised his leg and peed on you. - Unknown

I'll bring the crisco and the baby pool. - Zach

If I had known it was that kind of party I wouldn't have put my dick in the mashed potatoes. - Zach

It helps keep the stuff off the things they like to get on. - Cathy

Rumor has it that the Castleberry's get their meat for free. - Wehner

There's no such thing as lesbians. A lesbian is just a woman that hasn't met Tegwyn. - Wayne

Getting drunk before the play will also help you watch the sex scene between the two lead male actors. This is the approach I took before watching Brokeback Mountain the second and third times. - Wayne

I really like your sausage. -Mom

I like to drink heavily and use expletives. - Steve

The nachos I ate violated me at about 5:30 this morning. - Ed

The 1900's were 7 years ago, asswipe. -Ed

Here's a tip: Get a darker bra. - Bill

It's not like we were trollin' for ho's all weekend. - Ed

Life is beautiful to dumb people. I think that's why I'm so happy. - Christy

Who cares to survive? I just vive. - Victor

I'm glad we delcared our independence from you. - Laura

It's all about grabbing f*cking meat. - Bill

You can name it and you can pet it. - Tommy

Do you have nipples? Can you milk me? - Bill

You're not supposed to flash your children. -Mom

I could eat the butt out of a skunk. - Mom

I farted and sneezed at the same time. - Mom

It's kinda like eating a tampon. - Katy and Hokom (combined effort)

That's why he has fat crotch. - Katy

Sluttiness is just a bad word for freedom of mind. - Victor

"It's hard as shit to burn a motorcycle," said Ronan. "No it's not, it's easy," replied Victor.

Any sport that you can wear a cardigan in... - Richard

There is nothing wrong with a bit of veal. - Richard

I think your dong just touched me. - Jeff

Oh no ma'am, I'm hung like a pencil. These are just gelatinous drawers. -Roy

No sexual taking out the contacts. - An unknown party associated with Wehner

I'm a 'mo, ya know? - Danny

When my tow got carred. - Bill

Your liver will stop hating you the day it is removed from your body and begins it's life as a door stop in some doctors hill country retreat home. - Roy