The Commute.

My commute sucks. A lot. I drive FROM downtown Houston to the 'burbs on I-10...I go against the traffic, but it still sucks. In fact, my traffic is often worse than the traffic going into town, but they NEVER mention the fact that it takes me 45 minutes to drive 12 miles everyday. Nonetheless, the other day I had a spectacular commute. It only took me 25 minutes and the music that was provided by my XM station (90's on 9) was AMAZING.

Song #1: I hop in the car after a great workout to hear the opening bars of "Pony" by Ginuwine. For those who don't know, this is a karaoke staple of mine and also one of my all time favorite songs. And I got to hear the whole thing. Don't you hate it when you only get to hear half of your favorite song? I do.

Song #2: New Kids on the Block (NKOTB) sing "Hangin' Tough" for me next. I grew up WORSHIPPING NKOTB. Worshipping. OMG, I hearted Donny. Hearted him.

Song #3: "Wonderwall" by Oasis. I know some of you are Oasis haters, but really, we probably shouldn't be friends anyway. Oasis rocks. The only way this could have been better would have been if the song had been "Champagne Supernova".

Song #4: We are starting to wind down now, I am exiting I-10 onto the Beltway when I hear "I Will Remember You" by Mrs Sarah MicLocklin (no idea how to spell it, so I'll just butcher it instead of trying). Just the right song to end my perfect commute to work on the right note.

This was the same day I dropped my keys down the elevator shaft. Awesome. I should have known something was up.

I didn't think I would need XM radio. I really didn't think I would get addicted. But I sooooo did. I need XM. Mostly I just need the 90's station...I would like to relive my formative years over and over and over. Maybe this time John Coil-oil will ask me to go steady with him. Ooooh, or maybe Sean Moore. Yeah. Him.

Quotes of the Day.

Can you wear cherries after Labor Day? - Brandie

Orange camo is the new black. - TommyB

Apparently all my friends are fashion forward.

Kristin and Eric's Wedding!

The wedding was beautiful - Kristin looked GORGEOUS (I may try and trade dresses with her), and the ceremony was perfect. The recption site was one of the most beautiful places EVER - old italian style - it was incredible. I would say that the only downfall of the whole day was the fact that we all look like sweaty piggies in the pictures because the AC was broken. But, regardless, we had such a great time!!


More pictures to come, but here is one that Val took:

Me, Liz, Kristin, Val, Jodie and Kate (doing her sexy face?)

I dropped my keys down the elevator shaft.

I do not think this requires much more elaboration.

Please snigger softly.

Funnies.

This was sent by Gilmore and enjoyed by many:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=rules/070905&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab2pos1

...the best part of this site is Rule #22. See, Tommy, it is UNACCEPTABLE to not know the words to your fight song. No excuses. Slacker. The good news is that you have at least 37 schools can you root for...seeing as how you went to all of them. The bad news is that you have a lot of fight songs to learn.

This was sent by Christine and enjoyed by me, pretty much everyday for the last 3 months:

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

...the best part of this site is pretty much all of it. I hate passive aggressiveness and pretty much passiveness all together. If you're being passive, you obviously don't care enough and therefore I win until you decide to grow some balls and have an actual opinion.

I heart donuts.

I really do heart them. More than I heart cheese. Seriously. The only thing that makes me eat cheese more often than donuts is the total absence of anything remotely healthy about donuts. Cheese at least has SOMETHING going for it. It may be fattening, but it has nutrients!!

I gave up donuts for 419 days...it was a miserable time. I am now back on the donuts, but I am no longer addicted. I would even venture to say that I only eat them as often as the normal American person. But there was a time, in a magical land, far far away, when I would eat at least 5 a day...a dozen was no big thing.

Brandie sent me this today:
http://cityguides.msn.com/citylife/article.aspx?cp-documentid=5354141&page=1

I heart them. I really do. I also think I may heart the man who wrote this article...he and I cold be BFF.

My wedding. Er, I mean, OUR wedding.

Let's begin. Weddings make me crazy. How they don't make EVERYONE crazy is totally beyond me. I had to stop reading wedding magazines because they made me crazy. I actually started to believe that I needed, like seriously NEEDED, lilies flown in from Japan on the wings of doves or my marriage would fail. If I didn't have a $13,000 dress to wear, my fiance (who wears short shorts and Tevas) would obviously think he could do better and run away the minute he saw me walk down the aisle. Well, I finally stopped reading the magazines and am now living in a wedding induced haze...much more enjoyable, yet still ridiculous. Nonetheless, I have nixed flowers all together and chosen this dress, which cost approximately $34 to make...out of toilet paper.

Links.

We will start this post off with a slighty depressing, yet heartwarmingly optimistic note, and then finish with a laugh.

http://www.strengthforphillip.com/
http://www.jessicagage.com/

My friends are falling apart, so please keep these people in your thoughts. They need them more than you do.

To end with a laugh:

http://www.15formeat.com/index.php

Bus 42 made it's maiden voyage to College Station this weekend...intact, surprisingly. Saturday was a blast, but as of Sunday, I will never drink beer again. More on this topic later.

Bus 42's First Trip to Wings-N-More

(At Top) Vince, Erik, Jorja, Holly (Second Row) Kevin, Chuck, Jennifer, Thomas, Tommy, ME!, Sarah, Gilmore (Front Row) Jessica and Zach

Bachelorette Party.

My sister organized a fabulous river float for my bachelorette party last weekend. We had a fabulous time.

Highlights include:

• High Pour!!
• "This is the best 16th birthday party EVER!" - Erin
• Box wine, sans box...from old men
• Marriage advice from the old men with the udder of wine
• Kings Cup - green men, snorting and shimmy!!
• Flip Cup

General Hygiene.

I have to work very closely with a man who will call Jerry. Jerry called me one day to see if he could come up to my desk to work on a project. I said sure. That sounds great. Now, he called during lunchtime, which normally would bother me, but today I was okay with it because I got in late, ate breakfast late and wasn't quite hungry yet. Anyways, I digress. When Jerry gets to my desk, I ask him why he wasn't eating lunch. He says he doesn't normally eat breakfast or lunch, because he has chewing tobacco. I mean, if I had chewing tobacco, I wouldn't eat either. Who needs a hamburger when you have a small tub of ground up filth that you can put in your mouth and will eventually eat YOU?

Nonetheless, I work with Jerry that day. And THAT day, just like all the others, I become nauseous from the smell of his breath. His breath reeks of tobacco and large quantities of coffee. And he spends most of the time we are working together, leaning over my shoulder and reading what I am typing...so his fantastic breath is as close my intake valve (nose) as possible. It's wonderful. I spend the full two hours he is there applying and reapplying my scented hand lotion in hopes that his breath won't permanently taint my wonderufl smelling hands. Although, now, I could probably wipe my butt with my hands, just rinse off any chunks and no one would notice.

Disgusting. People are disgusting. Bathe people. It's not hard. While you're in there, clean out underneath your fingernails. Or, even better, just trim them so junk can't live under there. Or, if you INSIST on living in filth, at least respect everyone else enough to purchase one of those bubble outfits so the rest of us don't have to suffer.

Drive-By Titties.

I was innocently enough driving home from work one afternoon. I learned through texting Tommy while driving (I know - I'm terribly unsafe) that he was also on his way home from work and he was only a few exits behind me on the highway. Normal people would have said, "okay great, see you at home", but not us. We kept chatting.

Nonetheless, I take the exit to get home and there is a homeless person (I do not actually know if said person was homeless, but they were very dirty and walking along the higway - I made an assumption) walking along the exit ramp next to my car (and 50,000 others I'm sure). I call this homeless person a "person" instead of a male or female because due to the attire and general appearance of the person, I had absolutely no what gender I was dealing with...

...that is, I had no idea what gender I was dealing with UNTIL the homeless woman decided to lift up her shirt (unprovoked) and flash her big old saggy titties at me (and 50,000 others). Not only did she lift her shirt to show me her big old saggy homeless woman titties, but then she proceeded to fondle them in such a way that made me want to reverse the fortune of my lunch.

In the way that only good fiancee's are, I ceased the texting with Tommy and just called him to let him know that he might score some big old flappers when he exited - he should keep an eye out. She was gone when he got there. He cried.

The part of this story that bothers me the most though, over the fact that a woman flashed me on the highway unprovoked, was the sheer size of her homeless woman titties. Really, she had bigger knockers than me (this is not a hard feat), but she also had bigger pillows than Jessica Simpson (size D according to Dad - gross). How does a homeless woman, who supposedly doesn't eat a square three meals a day, have big old hooters and I have little nubbins? It just doesn't seem right.

Boobies. Knockers. Hooters. Nubbins. Titties. Dirty Pillows.

Hysterics.

Thursday was a rough one for me. To be honest, the last month has been rough for me and Thursday was just the icing on the cake....the straw that broke the camel's back...the log that broke the floodgate of my tear ducts.

I'll be honest, I had been in need of a good cry. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. You build up to it for days, weeks, sometimes even months. You can feel it coming on and you know it needs to happen, and sometimes you try to force it (so you don't happen upon it at an inopportune moment), but it doesn't work - a forced cry doesn't satisfy. That shit's gotta be real.

And that brings us to Thursday evening at The Beautique.

Thursday I was supposed to have my practice hair and make up done for our wedding. The purpose being to have the same hair lady and same make-up lady as on my wedding day so that we can figure out what works and what doesn't. I had my makeup done and I'll be honest, I looked pretty good...we decided I needed more lipstick, but I looked pretty fantastic. That is, I looked fantastic until it was running down my face 20 minutes later.

When I go down to get my hair done, the girl asks when my wedding day is, and lo and behold, she will be out of town that day. This basically means that I was getting a really expensive hair-do for absolutely no reason. Awesome. And that's when I turned evil.

No, evil isn't the right word. Pathetic is more appropriate. I cried my little pathetic fully made-up eyes out. Bawled. We are talking "5-year-old-who's-mom-won't-let-her-have-Lucky-Charms-at-the-grocery-store" hysterical. I knew I was being absurd, but I couldn't stop...the floodgates were open.

The problem with being a girl is that once you get those tears flowing all the bad things in the world seem so awful and directed at you. I cried for little children in Africa and for my dead flowers in the yard...they were all obviously torturing ME.

Sooo, after discovering my wedding day makeup will not withstand uncontrollable crying for an hour, I get home...still pathetic (and now very scary looking - puffy eyes, snot, mascara all over my face). Tommy is frightened and doesn't know what to do. As his only form of defense, he turned on Tommy Boy (the movie) in an attempt to stop the snot from ruining his couch...apparently he thinks fat men in little coats cheer me up.

Apparently they do. About the time Chris Farley put on that tiny jacket I was ready to join the human race again.

Being a girl and having PMS may be one of the greatest inventions on earth. I was able to act like a complete psycho and it was totally acceptable for 2 hours on Thursday night. Awesome.

Too Much Information.

I am trying to buy a new car. Despite all the irritating salesmen (most of whos names I can't pronounce nor understand when they say them), I am actually enjoying the process. Buying a new big something is fun and it kind of gets your adrenaline pumping. I'm a fan.

I called my bank today to try to get financing and see what sorts of interest rates they were offering. I get a lady, who I CAN actually understand - which is totally bizarre and completely unheard of - so I am more friendly than usual with this particular customer service representative, we will call her Carol (because that's her name). So maybe this can be blamed on me...but I doubt it.

After a few minutes of explaining my situation, i.e. I want a loan for a new car, etc, etc, she starts to ask me questions. All (okay MOST) of which are valid. What's my address? Houston. Her response is to tell me about the last time she was in Texas there was like tennis ball size hail and it was 100 degrees outside...which means like that up in the sky in must have been like the size of basketball because it was so like hot. First of all, I don't know about the rest of you Texans, but I do not like to have my state dissed. This is the best state ever. She goes on to tell me that she lives in San Diego and the weather is always gorgeous and how she hears how awful it is in Texas and how she wouldn't live here if someone paid her. It just isn't her cup of tea, but obviously it suits you, she says.

A few more questions and then she wants to know my birthday - March 13, 1981. Oh, yayy she says, hers is on the 20th. WOW Carol, we have SO much in common. Did you know that about 1 out of every 12 people you meet has a birthday in the same month as you? Awesome. Like totally awesome. Well, in addition to having her birthday 3 days after St. Patty's day, and getting to drink left over green beer, the St. Pattys Day before her 21st birthday, she got wasted and got a four-leaf clover tattooed on her ankle. Lucky for her, she was like smart enough not to get it on her boob or arm or anywhere where she could get like fat and saggy. She's a smart cookie, that Carol.

But obviously not as smart as her oldest sister (she has 2 older siblings), who graduated from University of Texas (see, it IS the best state EVER) in 2002 with a civil engineering degree. Oh my gosh, we STILL have so much in common!! Oldest sister now works in Dallas for a large surveying company, (name unknown by Carol) doing the exact same thing as me (she seems to know exactly what I do, despite the fact that I have given her no details other than the fact that I work for a chemical company). Oldest sister decided to leave California to get away from her parents. Carol doesn't know why, she like LOVES her parents...but that's probably because the last child has more freedom. Parents like put like all the boundaries on the oldest and then the youngest get to like run around and do whatever. Carol would like totally move back home now. Awesome.

In addition to the fact that Carol is apparently from The Valley and thinks that we are BFF, she wanted to know all about my wedding plans and Tommy and why I am buying the car I am buying and if we were saving for a house and if so, were we going to buy in Texas? 'Cause really, Texas sucks.

Really, Carol, I just want to know what sort of interest rate I can get if I finance my car through your bank. I don't need to know the date of your last period or mother's maiden name. What's the interest rate? C'mon sister, like, what's it gonna be?

Toronto...Canada in General.

I met Tommy in Toronto this weekend (he was there for business). Overall, we had a great time, but I have a very things to discuss about Canada (and by 'Canada', I mean Toronto, Niagara (both Canadian and USA-ian sides), and the Buffalo and Baltimore airports.

#1. Everyone hovers in Canada.
I am all about good hygiene, but really, if you're gonna hover, at least wipe your sprinkles off the seat when you are done. As a general rule, I am a sitter. This disgusts Tommy to no end and he claims that had he known this, he wold never have proposed. I told him to suck it. And he said no way - who knows where my butt has been. Regardless, I sit. Hovering is too much of a hassle and I can't ever reach my full pee-ing potential when I hover. So, due to my desire to sit, when looking for a toilet to use in a bank of stalls, I will enter each one until I find one sans splatterings. If I can't find that, then I will either, depending on the amount of splatterings, A.) wipe the seat and then sit or B.) hover. In Canada, there was never once a toilet worthy of me sitting on it, nor was there a toilet semi-clean enough for me to wipe it off and then sit. Everyone apparently hovers and everyone is apparently very messy about it. They never had anyone write, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweety and wipe the seaty" in their yearbooks. My quads are tired.

#2. The Mason-Dixon line.
I've never been north of it...and now I know why. My parents were afraid that if I grew up in that kind of environment i would be even more hostile than I currently am. Who knows what could have happened. Tommy and I spent the days in Toronto walking around and enjoying the city - what I found bizarre is how NO ONE opens doors for each other, no one steps out of the path of another person and people just generally crash into each other with reckless abandon. On commenting to Tommy about this, his response was, "Welcome to North of the Mason-Dixon line". Well said, sir.

#3. Where are the non-asian/indian people?
'Cause they are NOT north of the mason-Dixon line. No wonder the Loonie is soaring...

#4. Tourists.
I hate tourist attractions as much as the next guy, but there are certain things you just HAVE to do. The Maid of the Mist, for example. If you are in Niagara, you must do this tour. It was amazing, by the way, and I fully recommend it. But the tourists make me crazy. They have no regard at all for personal space and they really think that by leaning 3 inches closer to the falls (over my shoulder of course) will make their pictures turn out that much better. It's a digital camera man - zoom. And really, when you are going to watch that 30 minutes video you took of the falls again? Never. You will accidentally tape So You Think You Can Dance over it next week, but because it is labeled "Niagara Falls 2007" you will never use it again.

#5. The squirrels in Canada are black. Not brown.

But seriously, the trip was a blast - Niagara is TOTALLY worth seeing and something everyone needs to do in their lifetime. Unfortunately, there isn't anything else to do in the city, so it's really just a day trip kind of place. Toronto was okay - no need to revisit. Their newspaper DOES have a huge sudoku that entertained me for approximately 2 hours though, so it wasn't a total wash.

Pictures will be included as soon as I charge the battery enough to get them off the camera.

Okay, I have enough battery now, so here are the pics:

Our second night in town, we got dressed up for a nice sushi dinner and check out the CN Tower.

TB and I with the CN Tower replica. It is about 1,460 feet taller than this.

TB being eaten by a Canadian Moose.

In this tour we learned all about meese avoidance techniques.

My dress was fun to spin in.

We followed this woman around for awhile trying to get a good picture, but this was the best I could do. Just imagine a large bowl of cottage cheese trapped in cellophane and you might be able to grasp the pain we endured.

This starts the Niagara Falls series. This is Tommy doing something I have no recollection of, seeing as how I had at least 17 beers while we played cards at a picnic table overlooking the falls.

View from our hotel room - Horseshoe Falls from the Canadian side. Amazing!

Never before have I actually seen pants like this in a store. Where in the hell does one buy pants like this?

Obligatory Maid of the Mist Poncho pic.

This child fashioned a skirt out of his poncho. I would say that the odds of him turning out to be straight at slim.

So sum up my anger on this day, view the email exchange from Tommy and I shown here. Some background:

• Aetna is my medical insurance provider - they suck for not being able to actually fill precriptions.
• Celso Garcia is our new ADT security salesman - he sucks for being a totally incompetent at what he does.
• Burnie is the man who broke into our house (his name has been changed due to a lack of actually knowing his name) - he sucks because he is he broke into our house without my permission.
• Cats are evil.
• Velveeta cheese is wrong. American cheese is also wrong. Bleu and feta tie in their wrongness.
• Karl is my creepy old landlord who came into my house and rearranged my furniture.
• Ralph (Perez) is my other creepy landlord who bathes at BurgerKing and thinks that 'debris' is spelled 'dupree'. He is just an effing idiot.
• Toyotaman is the Toyota dealership that is changing the locks on Tommy's car - they have to order parts from Nigeria and have slaves strap the pieces to their backs and swim through the gulf to bring them here. It is estimated to take 4 weeks.

-----Original Message-----
From: Tommy tommy@home.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 3:14 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

Not cats? And velveeta?


-----Original Message-----
From: "Christy (CM)" christy@work.com
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2007 16:02:59
To:Tommy tommy@home.com
Subject: RE: pension

Oh, and also my old landlord Karl. And Aetna. And mosquitos and bug repellant.

Christy

----------------
From: Tommy tommy@home.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 3:00 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

Hahahaha. That's so much hate!

On 7/18/07, Christy (CM) Christy@work.com wrote:

Awesome. I hate Toyota and Allstate and Celso. And Ralph. And Liberty Mutual and Burnie. And all customer service people.
Christy

----------------
From: Tommy [mailto:tommy@homte.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007 2:34 PM
To: Christy (CM)
Subject: Re: pension

No word from Celso. And the effers already have taken my car apart, just waiting on the one part to come in. So I cant cancel. Toyotaman is checking status and calling me back.

On 7/18/07, Christy (CM) mailto:Christy@work.comwrote:
silly. I hate it. you know what else I hate? Celso Garcia's and Allstates. Did you ever hear back from Celso?

Christy

Sorry. I'm sorry. Seriously. I'm sorry.

Why must you keep nagging me?

It has been brought to my attention (again) that since I started dating the wonderful TommyB, that my level of funniness has decreased dramatically. This is true. I waste all the funny on him so he won't break up with me. Therefore, I have very little funny left to share with my pals. Sorry. I'm apologizing (again).

Despite the relationship I have with Mr. TommyB, funny things still happen to me, I just tell them to him when he gets home instead of writing them down for you. I'll work on it.

Today I will relate the story of the vultures in my office...

I am the party planner at work (not to sound cocky - I DO have a team that helps me, I am just the head party planner). I plan the office picnics, the ice cream socials, and the pizza parties. Yesterday, I hosted the office pizza party. Now, bear in mind that this party is nothing special...we just wanted to buy everyone a cheap easy lunch. We held it in the cafeteria, the cafeteria provided the pizza and we played Shrek on the overhead projectors. It was not intended to be a huge formal extravaganza.

Now, this story is many-fold, but I will stick to two main points: #1. The people in my office are obviously poor and starving. #2. The people in my office have no sense of proper decorum and thankfulness.

To address problem #1: It was a pizza party. We bought enough pizza for everyone in the building (650 people) to have 2.5 slices. Some people will have 1, some people will have 4 - fair enough. We have some real teletubbies over here. But people were pissed off that they can't take a whole pizza home with them to feed their children. Pissed off. Like actually upset that they can't take a whole pizza home. Bear in mind that everyone (almost) in my office is an engineering type person who makes a healthy salary. There is no reason why they can't just go home and buy an effing pizza for dinner if they want one. Their children are not starving. There is also no reason to take 17 cokes back to your desk. Seriously man? I case of cokes is like $4. Are you REALLY that strapped for cash? Really? I think all the starving children in Africa actually work in my building.

And #2: The party was fron 11-12:30. The cafeteria was making almost 220 pizzas. No one could possibly expect ANY pizza joint to produce 220 pizzas and have them all the ready and hot at the same time. It would be impossible. But apparently the people in my office have had better luck at making 220 pizzas at once, because these pizzas were unacceptable. One woman showed up at 12:45 (15 minutes after the party had ended) and complained about the temperature of her pizza. There's a microwave you incompetent piece of crap.

There's my rant for the day. I'll see what else I can dig up for you...there were those old nasty women humping each other in Scottsdale, and Brutus the Gator I held in New Orleans...I'll see what I can do...

Sung to the tune of Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" ...

"He's a one eyed snake...look into his eye..."

Hahahahahahahahaha.

Does he like me or not?

My friend Erik is very funny. What I can't figure out is if he really likes me and wants me to enjoy his laughter or he actually despises me and wants me to die and be miserable. Because we have been friends for quite awhile now, I am going to assume that he doesn't hate me, but it's questionable.

In the mail yesterday, I recieved a note from Erik and a cutout from a magazine. The note said something like this: "I saw this and thought of you. If it weren't so completely useless and I weren't so cheap I would buy it for you." The magazine cutout was of a Cat Lady Figurine. And no, I don't mean CatWoman from Batman. I mean, like a creepy a cat lady who is old and dirty and has lots of cats. The cat lady stands at 7" tall, comes with 6 separate cats to place strategically around her, and 2 cats that protrude from her nappy hair and pant leg.

Via email yesterday, Erik sent me this: "I saw this. I laughed a lot. Then I thought you might like it. I ate a Nutri Grain this morning, and somehow... it didn't have quite the same effect." http://youtube.com/watch?v=XbFLhbJRt_E

Either Erik likes me or hates me. It's all up in the air right now.

I NEED a catlady figurine. Need it.

Josh is funny.

I hope he doesn't mind that I am stealing his 'notes' from Facebook, but who cares.

Displaying all 5 notes by Joshua.

On the subject of subjugation
by Joshua (notes) 9:05am Thursday, Oct 26
According to facebook, I can't be in a relationship with myself. This is horse shit. I mean, I'm with myself every day, and I know myself better than anyone. I can't break up with myself just because facebook doesn't approve of our relationship. What am I going to tell myself when I ask myself why I'm not in mentioned in the relationship status? Am I hiding something from myself?

The New Style
by Joshua (notes) 10:53am Saturday, Oct 21
This new trend of women wearing tights is ridicolous. They're not hip. They don't look sexy. And oversized sunglasses aren't appealing either. So cut it out already.

On the subject of Communists
by Joshua (notes) 1:39pm Thursday, Oct 19
We should feed North Korea to China.

On the subject of objective thinking
by Joshua (notes) 5:20pm Tuesday, Oct 10
Well, I failed my math test. I've been failing math tests since math tests and I ever met. I mean, simple multiplication, addition, subtraction, and division are simple. But algebra, MOSTLY algebra, doesn't make any sense to me. The introduction of imaginary numbers is absolutely puzzling. It's like introducing an imaginary wallet into an equation when I have to pay. It's neither here nor there. It's just a waste of time. It's entirely too two dimensional. Not to play on words, but criminy. So, I guess I'll study hard for the next three tests, and with any luck, I'll finish the last math class of my life with a 70. If not, don't be surprised to hear about some arson on the local news. I won't burn anything useful. Just maybe a couple city halls or a mall.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I have no respect for myself or the ones that I care about.


Apparently.

This is just before Don won the 8 mile Turkey Trot in Dallas. He came in first place of the dogs**!!

**This information has not been independently verified. We just told him that to make him feel better. But no dogs passed us and we couldn't see any other dogs in front of us, so it can only be assumed that out of 30,000 people, my dog was the fastest.

Tommy said...

"You can be classy, conservative AND have a dick in your mouth at the same time." In reference to the slutty virgin on The Bachelor.

"Friends don't let friends have lonely assholes." In reference to his gay lover.

Puerto Vallarta.

TommyB took me on a romantic ghetto-way to Puerto Vallarta last week. I have included some of the better pictures...

These 2 fellas thought these shoes were cool. So did Tommy.

This bread - yes bread, not a cookie - was in the shape of a pig...well, it was before TB ate his butt.

If you look closely, you will notice the 2 men holding hands. One of these men has on extremely short shorts and Tevas with socks...I think the other man may be Tommy. Ha.

You just never know when you might need 13 Dominoes delivery drivers...

More lovely pictures will be added as soon as I can bring myself to upload them. On a serious note though, the trip was amazing and I may very well be the luckiest girl in the whole world. Everybody should give TB a hug today - he deserves it!

And just for grins - you can watch Faith Hill NOt win Artist of the Year here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyZRiEJnIag

The Ghet-tooooo...

One of my favorite things about living in the ghetto is that regardless of day or type of weather, you can always find an ice cream truck driving down the street. The ice cream truck comes EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every day. Seriously. The first time I heard the truck, I got so excited that I locked myself out of my house. Now, when I hear the 'do your ears hang low...' song, I generally wish I could slam my head in the sliding door of the ice cream truck.

Sometimes though, it gets evern ghetto-er and the truck doesn't come, but don't you worry, the people in the ghetto still need their ice cream...they hire an ice cream bike. Same concept, just with a bike...it has a little cooler trailer behind it. Not as much music, but I am pretty sure he has a horn.

I mean, I like ice cream as much as the next guy, but how many popsicles in the shape of Mickey's head can you really eat in a week? If you asked the people on my street, they would say at least 7.

Viva la ice cream truck.

The Classics.

This may be the funniest, most creepy, slightly disturbing thing I have seen in awhile. Enjoy - http://www.bikerfox.com/foxphotos2/ The BikerFox won't let you down. You wish that he would, but he never does.

The Highlight.

This weekend was Wehner Weekend IV - where my first fish camp gathers each year in October to reminisce about the days of old. Very similar to Muster, just without the candles and the addition of a few beers.

We drank, we bowled, we drank, we danced, we played 42, we drank.

On Friday night, Tommy became enraged with a deer head that he knocked from the wall. The deer fell off the wall, his antler tore a hole in TB's shirt, cut his back and fell to the floor to amputate one of his antlers. The deer is only half as deerly as he was before. Tommy's response to the situation was, "That deer is an asshole". He didn't quite seem to grasp the fact that inanimate objects can't be assholes.


Of course, he doesn't remember any of this.

Training.

I spent my day in training (well, my whole week actually) and today we practiced using a tool called JMP (pronounced JUMP). It's good fun. It's a statistical tool that allows people are unfunny to remain unfunny. Statisticians, while rich, are never funny. Ever. Especially today.

JMP is a tool that will let you evaluate lots and lots of data at once - very similar to excel, but much harder to use. Well, similar to Excel, when you input data it spits out a graph...sometimes. The difference is, when JMP spits out a graph, the instructor calls it 'eye candy'.

Yes, eye candy. Like a hot chick (or dude). My statistician teacher man was referring to graphs and charts as eye candy. That's just wrong.

We took a tally. He said eye candy in reference to a graph 7 times in an hour long module. There is nothing right about that.

And you wonder why I drink.

Kate Goes to the Movies and other mildly funny stories...

"I went to the movies on Friday night with Keith—we saw The Departed—it was GREAT! To top it all off, there was a man in the theater who may have had some mild form of Turret’s Syndrome. Whenever he sneezed (the count got up to 4), and mind you, it was the loudest sneeze that you’ve ever heard, he’ yell, at the top of his lungs, ‘f-you’. It was hysterical!!!!"

Awesome.

Yesterday at the park, me and TB were playing with the Don. We saw an older couple cuddling on the other side of the park. It was cute. Then the man mounted the woman. That's not cute. It's just inappropriate. And then he started taking off her shirt. Of course the shirt never came all the way off and of course it wasn't a man. It was 2 chicks. Humping at the dog park. And no, they weren't hot. I mean, we thought one of them was a man for awhile. Don wasn't scared of either of them, so we knew they couldn't be men. Ha.

Sweet.

I am watching The Bachelor right now and there is a chick on here with exceptionally pouty lips. There is no way in hell those lips are natural. It makes me uncomfortable just looking at her. Apparently her name is Gina and she accepts the rose. Stupid fat lips.

Blah.

I just don't have time for the blogging. I am sorry. Lots of funny things happened today on the way to the forum though. I'll try and remember them.

Debil Cats.


Now you understand my fear of cats, right? That cat is TOTALLY going to claw my eyes out.

3 posts in one day should get me off your sh!t lists until at least 2007.

Bad Blogger.

I'm sorry that I am such a bad blogger, but life is busy. Do you want me to come out and drink beers with you? Or sit at home and think of funny stuff to blog about?

This blog will discuss the differences in bread and bread by-products.

Bread comes in loaves. Bread by-products do not. Bread by-products come in noodle, crust, and chip form. Bread by-products MAY be slathered in cheese of any sort - preferably cheddar. Bread may NOT be slathered in cheese of any sort, especially American.

American cheese should be outlawed by the American government. I have never been so ashamed of the country in which I live as when I am forced to smell the rankness of American cheese. American cheese is wrong. American cheese = communism.

Other cheeses that are wrong: anything that crumbles under the weight of a feather. This includes several types, but namely, bleu and feta. Bleu and feta cheeses are wrong. Cheese should not feel like corn poop in your mouth (cottage cheese is also wrong for this reason). Cheese should be hard and/or gooey, but never EVER crumbly. EVER. If you can't spear it with a fork then you shouldn't eat it. If God wanted you to eat it, he would have made it spear-able.

Grilled cheese sandwiches are wrong. Cheeseburgers are wrong. Egg and cheese biscuits are wrong. Any type of casserole where cheese is melted on rice is wrong.

Cheese on noodles is right. Cheese on pizza is right. Cheese on chips is right. Any type of non- crumbly/non-American type of cheese is right.



Go forth now and spread this knowledge to your people. Thanks be to me for this message.

Donuts. My one true love.

Apparently sales at Krispy Kreme have drastically declined since I took my No Donuts Vow on December 19, 2005. I have not consumed a donut since December 19, 2005. Let me clarify: I have not consumed a DONUT since December 19, 2005. This does not include all food stuffs purchased from ye olde donut shoppe. Kolaches are not donuts. Muffins are not donuts. Bagels are not donuts. Donuts are donuts. If it isn't actually CALLED a donut, it isn't a donut and therefore, I still eat it. Unless it is bread covered in cheese.

News article:

Krispy Kreme Sees Decline in Sales

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. (AP) - Krispy Kreme Doughnuts said Monday it expects to report a loss for the second quarter and predicted a $30 million decline in revenue for the period because it has fewer company-owned stores.
The company's announcement said it expects revenue in the quarter to drop from $140 million last year to $110 million this year. Systemwide, sales fell about 15 percent, the company said.
The company also said its financial results continue to be adversely affected by legal and regulatory costs.
Despite the gloomy results, company Chief Executive Daryl Brewster said Krispy Kreme was making progress.
"In the United States, we saw signs of stability in company stores as evidenced by average weekly sales trends," Brewster said. "We also advanced our international expansion plans with the signing of franchisees in six new markets."

You whiners.

Yes, I have gotten a few complaints about my lack-o-blogging. I am sorry. But don't you worry...my life still sucks, I just haven't had time to write about it.

And I think my friends are busy too because they have failed to entertain me with their humor. You guys suck.

So basically, my life is busy and I don't have time for any fun and all my friends are boring wads of paper. Great.

I DO have funny stories from Vegas, but I can't write about them...email me and I will fill you in. Ha. Hahaha.

Now I am off to an emergency meeting with my boss. That's NEVER good.

Hugs and kisses to all my fans out there.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Bad things come in 3's. By 8am, I was 2/3 of the way through my bad karma.

I had fantastic intentions of getting to work at 6am this morning - I really wanted to get out early so I could shop for sparkly shirts to wear in Vegas before my haircut. Unfortunately, my plans were dashed by my burnt out fuel level indicator light. I ran out of gas at 5:45 this morning. "Luckily", I was cresting a hill at the point of empty and was able to cruise the rest of the way down the street and across the highway.

I was able to turn the corner, at which point I jumped out of the jeep and began to push my car the 100 yards uphill to the Valero station. Lovely. Bear in mind, this is Houston and the humidity level is at 100% and it was 6am so the dew was still stagnating in the air. I was unable to get the car close enough to the pump, so I had to buy a gas can. Me and 3 other men were unable to figure out how to use the new fangled gas can, so I just poured the gas in the tank...this resulted in my hands also being covered in gas.

I get enough gas in the car to pull up to the pump and save what is left of my outfit and smelly hands. I fill up, blah blah blah. Go home, change, dry my hair, redo my makeup...still can't get the gas smell off my hands. Go to work - I finally arrive at 7am. So much for sparkly clothes shopping. I wash my hands for the 13th time. Still can't get the smell off.

Me and my smelly hands ( I can smell them right now) go down to get breakfast. On the way, someone decided to slam my foot in the door. Really hard. So hard that we may have to do surgery here at work today. It tore the leather up on my shoes. Bad news. (fyi-that's the second bad thing that happened). Then I tried to eat my grapes, but my hands smell so bad I was totally grossed out. This could be pivotal in my dieting plan.

Nature is out to get me. I hate today. I'm just waiting for the third thing to happen. I will probably slip and fall down the stairs and break my face or something. Lovely.

Karma is paying me back for something...I need to figure out who I pissed off!!

Poll.

Let's take a poll. We were discussing in the car yesterday, on our way back drom Dallas, about adult relationships. A friend of ours seems to think that while on vacation it is acceptable for you and your significant other to shower together in a public place so that all your friends may watch you - AND that it is acceptable to photograph the event. In some cases, these people may/may not be participating in intercourse.

Your thoughts? Is this normal? Or am I prude?

Seems like porno to me.

Comic Books...

I have a friend named Ryan, who, unbenownst to me, 'writes' comic books. (Do you write comic books? Or draw them? I dunno.)

First of all, I did not know comic books still existed. Secondly, I did not realize people still read them and thirdly, I definately did not know that people actually wrote them. Regardless, apparently they DO exist, people DO read them and I have a friend who writes them.

He is a finalist in a comic book competition in Cali - he is there right now promoting it (or something). Anyways, do my pal Ryan Burton a favor and vote for his comic book - http://www.comicbookchallenge.com/index.html - so he can win the challenge and go to a comic book convention just like in Chasing Amy.

Vote for Ryan Burton. He is awesome and his comic book looks pretty cool (although, if we are being honest, I have no basis for that opinion whatsoever). It's called the 6 Sinners or something. Go Ryan Go.

I'll delete this post after the competition is over so he doesn't get cyber-stalked or anything.

Dreams.

I have been having some really effed up dreams lately. Nightmares, wierd stuff, you name it, I dreamt it. I thought maybe it was the drugs I was on from when I was sick, but I haven't been taking them this week, so that doesn't really essplain anything. Apparently, I am just a wacko. My mom is going to the the rapist, so maybe I should too.

Last night, I dreamt that I was on So You Think You Can Dance. But as most dreams go, it wasn't really anything like So You Think You Can Dance. I was supposed to dance with 2 other girls and we were dressed like super heros. I was Wonder Woman. But of course, I looked nothing like Wonder Woman. I DID, on the other hand, paint my fingernails black and use the nail polish to paint a 'W' on my shirt.

At some point, we were in Galveston on a moving island or something and there was a sphere where bikers can ride the full circle - go upside down and stuff. I guess, the Wonder Woman outfit made me feel like I could ride the full sphere. Whatever. So I did that. Then it was time to dance - although we never actually got to the part where we dance.

They had forgotten to teach me the dance, so I was a little freaked out. Catwoman and She-Ra were trying to teach me everything I needed to know, but I wasn't getting it. She-Ra just told me wing it. Basically, they just wanted me to stand in the back and freestyle. Very unfortunate for any TV viewers out there. At this point, Cat Deeley comes out and tells me that it's ou turn - She-Ra, Catwoman and I (Wonder Woman) all prepare to walk on stage. It's at this point that my alarm goes off. I have no idea how I did. Do you think America would have voted me off?

Kick off that Martha chick. Her feet are nasty.

Random facts that I recall from the dream:
My skirt was knee length and very teacher-y. It was silk, but it was pleated. Not in a hot 'school-girl' kind of way.
Catwoman was not nice.
My shirt was a blue baby-tee with a 'W' I painted on it with black nail polish.
The skirt and shirt did not match.
The boat or whatever we were on in Galveston had something I was standing on that I could have fallen off of and died, but I was unconcerned.
I had never ridden a bike before I felt the need to ride all the way around the sphere thing.
On So You Think You Can Dance, you apparently have to do your own hair and makeup. I apparently have never done hair or makeup before.
She-Ra may or may not have had a girl crush on me.

The catlady.

Erik sent me this a long time ago. He can predict the future and he he likes to play the 'Where Will Everyone be in 30 Years Game'. It's fun unless he predicts this:

Apparently, according to Erik, I will live alone. And by 'alone', he means 'with 5,000 cats'. I will have a long braid and I will wear thick sweaters all the time. I will take long bubble baths and read trashy romance novels.

Unfortunately for me, I hate cats. So 'alone' will actually mean 'alone'. Hahaha. But regardless...shortly after telling my fortune, he sent me this article...it is soo gonna be me (sans kitties):

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8552364/#storyContinued

Elderly woman hoards more than 300 cats
Animals 'were coming out of the cabinets and drawers,' say police

WASHINGTON - About 300 cats, nearly a third of them dead, were removed from an elderly woman’s Virginia home after neighbors complained of a stench coming from the house, police said on Tuesday.
The house, less than a mile from late President George Washington’s historic Mount Vernon estate, looked neat from the outside with manicured lawns and bright flowers, but inside it was overflowing with wild cats, feces and urine.
“Cats were coming out of the cabinets and drawers and were inside the walls. There were hundreds of them,” Fairfax County Police officer Richard Henry told Reuters.
He said animal control officers removed 273 cats — 86 of them dead — over the weekend and slapped a condemnation order on the door of the house. The woman, her husband and daughter were told to leave.
Later on, Henry said, the woman returned and attempted to smuggle an additional 30 cats from the house. These animals were confiscated, bringing the total to more than 300.
Ruth Knueven, 82, was charged with failing to care for her animals and of improperly disposing of them. Dozens of dead cats were found in plastic bins around the house.
Most of the cats were inbred and sick and were unfit for adoption, said Henry. “These were feral cats who were given free range of the house and almost all of them will, unfortunately, have to be put down,” he said.
Two weeks earlier, a 58-year-old woman in nearby Falls Church, Va., had her home condemned after neighbors complained of an overpowering stench coming from the property. She had hoarded 88 cats and 29 of them were dead.

SHOTGUN RULES:

Ever have the problem of catching a ride with someone whose car doesn't have much of a back seat? At times like these, it is important to know the rules of calling shotgun. Never again will you let someone take advantage of you because you don't know the rules.

Section I - General Rules

1) The first person to yell "SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat.
2) The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call "back right seat", etc..
3) The word "shotgun" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if it isn't his car, and the owner is present, the owner's decision is final. Owner must be sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)
4) Early calls are strictly prohibited. All occupants of the vehicle (including the driver) must be outside of the building and directly on the way to the vehicle before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may a person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, a garage is considered to be outside. Parking structures and detached garages are always considered as being outdoors, even if they are underground.
5) A person may only call shotgun for one way of a trip. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
6) Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat.
7) One is allowed to ride shotgun as many times as he can call it, but for himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower friend, unless the friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling it for themselves.
8) The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.

Section II - Special Cases

These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.

1) In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
2) If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
3) In the instance the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
4) In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
5) In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
6) In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.

Section III - The Survival Of The Fittest Rules (a.k.a The Bastard Rules)

1) If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival Of The Fittest Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting 1.8, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.
2) The driver must announce the institution of the Survival Of The Fittest Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.
3) Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule 1.8.

Section IV - Revisions

1) These rules shall be subject to either revision or amendment at any time. But, changes and new rules you create during a car ride do not take effect until the next car ride.
2) Since there is an established body currently in place to distribute world-wide information, it is proposed that the United Nations oversee the adoption, updates (as required) and enforcement of these rules once adopted by at least two-thirds of the current membership of the UN.
3) It shall be the responsibility of all drivers to have a current copy of these rules in the vehicle's glove compartment, so that disputes may be resolved.

Section V - Amendments

Amendment I: The Laser / Shotgun Double Barrel Rule. A person may call "laser" or "Shotgun Double Barrel" after shotgun has been called, to override the shotgun call. This is only valid if the driver verifies the call as we see in Section 1.3. Additionally, any passenger who says "No Blitz" after claiming shotgun, may not have it taken away by either the "Laser" or "Double Barrel" rules. These rules hold no precedence over Standard shotgun procedure, and the driver has final say in all calls.
Amendment II: The Specific Amendment. Any person who wishes to claim shotgun must actually pronounce either the word "Shotgun" or "Gun." One may not say the name of a type of shotgun, such as "12 Gauge." If a passenger does, then he or she can lay no claim on shotgun, and may be called by another person.
Amendment III: The "House" Rule. The Owner of the vehicle decides which Shotgun Amendments to institute on his own car. All passengers must abide by the rules of these Amendments, which are stated in this document. This Amendment clarifies that not all Amendments need be active at any given time.
Amendment IV: Eviction. If the vehicle is forced to stop for a serious infraction of the Shotgunner, the Shotgunner must relinquish his/her seat, if the driver so wishes. Serious infractions have been known to include spilling alcoholic beverages, spilling any beverage, being annoying, breaking parts of the car, and in extreme cases, just being ugly.
Amendment V: The Shotgun Clause. This rule native to the south, but practical in many northern cities, states that the potential occupant with the largest caliber weapon on their person defaults to shotgun, unless one occupant is actually armed with a shotgun, in which case he gets shotgun. If two or more occupants actually have shotguns, then the over/under barrel configuration rules.
Amendment VI: The Reserve Shotgun Amendment (Bitch, Spanky, Comm and SAM). After Shotgun has been called, other patrons may call "Bitch," "Spanky," or "Comm," referring to the seat behind shotgun, the seat behind the driver, and the center back seat, respectively. SAM applies to the hatchback or trunk.
Amendment VII: Navigator. The passenger who has shotgun MUST serve as Navigator. By this, he must watch out for signs and intersections that the driver may miss during the course of a road trip. The Navigator must also ask for directions out the window. It is also the responsibility of the passenger who has shotgun to take control of the radio and air conditioning, however the driver has final say over the settings. The other occupants of the car can also have an opinion. If the passenger with shotgun is caught forgetting their duties and makes the car listen to commercials and/or bad music, then his privilege can be lost. Of course, this is all in good judgement of the driver. As Navigator, the driver may also ask him to operate other devices such as the windshield wipers, and rear window defroster. It is also the job of the Navigator throw all trash and empty beer bottles out of the window. The beer bottles must be crushed under the tires to destroy all evidence, in case of an emergency situation.In addition, the Navigator must possess the ability and the will to insult other drivers and be heard, only if they deserve it (ie: being cut off). This is to allow the driver to continue to operate the vehicle properly.The Navigator must possess the ability (and the will) to roll down their window and invite any chicks in adjacent cars to the driver's destination.
Amendment VIII: First Blood. This rule from the mid-west states that whoever draws blood (supposedly when the Survival of the Fittest rules are in effect) gets shoved in the back of the hatchback (or trunk) with the spare tire.
Amendment IX: Australian Shotgun. Originally from Australia, if two people tie for shotgun, then the first person to put their thumb on their head is awarded shotgun. If they both do this at the same time, then an immediate pissbolt (race) to the car is required.
Amendment X: Five Minute Rule. This rule, which originated in Massachusetts, states that in the event that the passenger riding shotgun leaves the car (ie: to get something from his house or a convenient store) is allowed 5 minutes in which to return and still retain his shotgun privilege. If he does not return within the time frame allotted, another passenger may take his place. There are other variations to this rule such as the "Two Hour Rule," but these usually result in the shotgunner geting beaten up by the other passengers.
Amendment XI: Awnings. Once all passengers have exited through the final doorway on the way to the car, (provided the car is in view), they are considered outside and may call shotgun no matter what covering is overhead. This rule applies to all awnings, covered decks and all outdoor shelters. Garages are considered outside so long as the door is open.
Amendment XII: National Bitch. This rule alters Amendment VI, where the caller of "Bitch" gains the center back seat. Comm is replaced with "Spanky 2," referring to the seat behind Shotgun.
Amendment XIII: Refueling. In addition to Amendment VII, if the car needs refueling at any time, it is the duty of the Shotgunner to gas up the car and pay (though usually with money given by the driver).
Amendment XIV: The Race. If there is a tie when calling shotgun, the first person who touches the car wins.
Amendment XV: Ozzie Pissbolt. If the driver gets confused or annoyed with chaotic rules arguments, he may shout "Ozzie Pissbolt," suggesting that the first person to touch the car is awarded shotgun.
Amendment XVI: Jedi Run. If the car is not within sight of the driver, and significantly far away, so that the proposed walk to the vehicle is neither linear nor within five minutes, the initiating party may call "Jedi Run" after a successful shotgun call (vehicle visibility is not required for this success). She must then beat all other opponents to the vehicle. In order to secure shotgun, the initiating party must not be out of breath or tired by the time the rest of the troupe arrives. This overrides any other countermeasures for shotgun if executed before they come into effect.
Amendment XVII: Alternate Names. This amendment adds additional aliases.Shotgun may also be called under the following aliases: Gun, Shogun, Catgut, and Shotty. Bitch (as in, behind shotgun) may also be called under the following aliases: Rightsies and On-The-Rightsies SAM may also be called under the following aliases: Turrets
Amendment XVIII: Alternative Seats. In addition to Amendment XVII, anyone who wants to be duct-taped to the roof calls "Mir!" If a trunk is present in the vehicle, then this "seat" will hereby be recognized as "Ex-Wife."
Amendment XIV: The Recall Rule. Once a passenger has called shotgun, another passenger may call "Recall Shotgun," thereby overriding the shotgun call and claiming shotgun for themselves. In order for this not to happen the first passenger must call "Shotgun, No Recall." This rule is similar to the "No Blitz" call.
Amendment XX: Reversion. If the original caller of shotgun lost their seat to some countermeasure, the initial caller may shout "Same Seatsies" to regain their right to shotgun. In addition, "Double Barrel" and "Laser" may be followed by "No Blitz," so that the original caller cannot regain their shotgun right. "No Blitz" and "Same Seatsies" are synonymous with "No Recall" and "Recall Shotgun," respectively.
Amendment XXI: Duel. In such a case where any present shotgun rules still causes confusion between two individuals, they may duel for the honor of Shotgun. This duel takes the form of one (and only one) round of traditional "paper, rock, scissor." Alternatively, this may be replaced by one (and only one) round of "odds or evens."
Amendment XXII: Chinese Sneak Attack. In the event that someone manages to touch the car's handle, and/or is in the car before anyone called shotgun, then they immediately receive the shotgun priviledge. However, this amendment does not apply to someone who ran to the vehicle in question in order to do so.
Amendment XXIII: Broken Seat. In the event that the front passenger seat in the car is extremely uncomfortable (i.e. has a big hole in it), the passenger who called Shotgun must sit in that seat. The other passengers may ridicule him as they wish.
Amendment XXIV: Smoking. In the event that smoking is allowed in said vehicle, smoking passengers are given consideration over non-smokers in order that they may utilize either the window or ashtray. In the event that there is more than one smoking passenger, the passenger that has already lit-up has Shotgun privilege over those who are not already engaged in the act of smoking. In the event that more than one smoker is already smoking while on the way to the vehicle, the driver may enforce The Survival of the Fittest Rules or First Blood Rule. This however, is not recommended do to the high risk factor to the vehicle in question. As stated in Section I Article 8 of the Constitution, the driver has all final say in disputes between passengers.
Amendment XXV: Secondary Passenger. If a passenger is "just along for the ride," then they must sit in the back seat (or worst seat, if the car is otherwise full), because the ride is not for them.
Amendment XXVI: Double Shotgun. This rule from Delaware states that if a given passenger calls a valid "shotgun", then he or she may not say "shotgun" again. By calling "shotgun" a second time, he or she would automatically forfeit their seat and shotgun is reopened to the other passengers. Other passengers are allowed to try to trick the person who originally says "shotgun" into saying it again, in order to claim shotgun for themselves.
Amendment XXVII: Contraband. In the event that the car is about to pass an abandoned case of beer, pornography, or any other form of contraband that the passengers might find useful in some way or another, it is the responsibility of the passenger riding shotgun to open his door and scoop up the said beer, pornography or contraband, while the car is still in motion. Additionally, if the car is moving at a speed above 15 M.P.H. (24 km/h) the passenger riding shotgun may decline to do so.
Amendment XXVIII: No Bitch. This rule states that once Shotgun has been called by one of the passengers, the remaining passengers may call, "No Bitch." The passenger who calls "No Bitch" last, or fails to call it at all, is forced to ride bitch.
Amendment XXIX: No Chauffeur / Compulsory Shotgun. In the event that there are fewer passengers than capacity would allow, there must always be a passenger riding shotgun. This would include a couple. This is to prevent the driver from feeling ditched, or like a chauffeur.
Amendment XXX: Seniority. In the instance that one of the passengers is much older than the rest of the passengers, he/she is automatically given Shotgun unless they decline.
Amendment XXXI: Ten-Foot Rule. This rule native to Myrtle Beach and Charleston, SC, states that once a passenger has called Shotgun, another passenger may call "10 Foot Rule." In this case, there would be an immediate race for the car. The first passenger to come within 10 feet of the car is awarded Shotgun.
Amendment XXXII: Backfire. This rule from Central NC states that if a passenger has shotgun on a trip, and then calls shotgun for the return trip, any passenger may call, "Double Shotgun Backfire," to prevent a single passenger from dominating the front seat.
Amendment XXXIII: International Travel. When crossing the border into another country. All shotgun claims are void, and passengers may once again call shotgun. If another passenger gets it, the driver must pull over at his earliest and safest convenience.
Amendment XXXIV: Context. A passenger may only receive shotgun if he says shotgun within the context of calling shotgun. For instance, a passenger may not be awarded shotgun if he says, "Did anybody call shotgun?," or if he/she was talking about a shotgun.
Amendment XXXV: Language. If you reside in a non-English-speaking locale, Shotgun must be called by its native word. For instance, in Sweden, the word "Hagelbossa" must be pronounced, while in Germany, "Schrotflinte." Shotgun may be called in any language the driver is fluent in. "Fluent" is described here as being proficient enough in a language to understand conversation exchanges. Order of preference rewards the language closest to the native language of the locale in which Shotgun is called. For instance, if the call is made is Sweden, and the only calls were "Schrotflinte" and "Escopeta" (Spanish), respectively, the seat will be given to the second caller, as German is closer-related to Swedish than Spanish is.
Amendment XXXVI: The Eviction Notice. Particularly crafty individuals may override a yet-to-be-made Shotgun call by leaving a note, clearly visible on the passenger-side door, with the word "Shotgun" written legibly on it, following the author's name. So long as no Shotgun call was made before the message was seen, the writer of the message is awarded Shotgun. Other calls relating to Shotgun may also be made in similar manner, including such calls as "No Blitz", "Laser", etc. The execution of the written "call" goes into effect as soon as someone has seen the writing. Calls made prior to this override the note.
Amendment XXXVII: No Hump. Local to Toronto, ON (Canada), this rule is relevant if there are five passengers in a car that has only four seats. After a successful Shotgun call is made, the remaining passengers may call "No Hump" to avoid sitting on the hump between the two back seats. The individual failing to make the call, or the last person to make the call, must sit on the uncomfortable, ball-breaking hump. This is a much-feared "seat" to Camaro and Firebird passengers.
Amendment XXXVIII: Eagle Scout. An addition to Amendment XXX, it is the duty of the Shotgunner to spot all speed cameras and police cars that could pose a threat to the driver and car. If the vehicle is stopped because the Shotgunner failed in his duties, he may be banned from riding Shotgun for a period of time dictated by the driver.
Amendment XXXIX: Shotgun Suicide. If the Shotgun caller attempts to open the car door as it is being unlocked (thus causing it to stay locked), he immediately loses Shotgun priviliges for the upcoming ride, and a new round of calling Shotgun must be executed.
Amendment XXXX: Multiple Vehicles. In the case that there is more than one eligible car to make a trip, the owners of their respective vehicles may not want to drive. In these cases, they may force their colleagues to waste gas by proclaiming, "Shot Not". A successful call will not only save them gas, but will award them shotgun in another vehicle. If there are more than two vehicles that can be driven, "Shot Not" can be followed by the name of the car's owner who the caller wants to have Shotgun in. If "Shot Not" was called, but the car in which preference was called for has already had a successful Shotgun call, the individual still need not drive, so long as there are other potential vehicles whose drivers did not make successful "Shot Not" calls. Once non-drivers have been eliminated with successful "Shot Not" calls, all non-Shotgun riding passengers may choose seats in the typical manner (ie "Bitch", "Comm", etc.) followed by the driver's name of the car they wish to travel in. A passenger is not guaranteed a particular seat in a vehicle unless the seat specified and the car specified is legal (ie, it has not yet been called). "Shot Not" may be called under the aliases of "Shot No Drive", "Shotgun Not Drive", and "Shotgun No Drive". For efficiency-sake, "Shot Not" cannot be overriden with rules such as "Laser".
Amendment XXXXI: Multiple Calls. This happens when multiple groups of people are meeting at one car, and both groups had someone claim Shotgun. If it can not be determined who made the call first, the dispute is settled with Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Amendment XXXXII: Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Section II, Article 3 of the Constitution states that , "In the instance the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline." In addition, serious Boy/Girl friends should also receive preferential treatment in regards to shotgun.
Amendment XXXXIII: The Couples Rule. In the event that a couple is traveling together, they must both sit together in either the front or back seat. This is so that people without boy/girlfriends, spouses, lovers, or prostitutes, can talk amongst themselves in the hope of acquiring boy/girlfriends, spouses, lovers, or prostitutes.This rule however is null and void if the The No Chauffeur / Compulsory Shotgun Rule is in effect.
Amendment XXXXIV: Balking. If you have called Shotgun and are waiting for the doors to be unlocked, you are not allowed to lift the handle during the unlocking, causing the other doors to remain locked. This voids your right to Shotgun.
Amendment XXXXV: Abandonment. If the Shotgun occupant leaves the vehicle (even if they plan to come back), the Shotgun seat is up for grabs. One exception is if the Shotgun rider leaves to do a deed for the driver, like buying cigarettes or pumping gas. In those cases, that person retains their Shotgun rights.
Amendment XXXXVI: The Handicapped. Section II, Article 6 states that preferential shotgun treatment may be offered to anyone "too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat". Preferential treatment should be awarded to the handicapped as well as to these genetic misfits, especially if the injury prevents them from achieving maximum leg room, maneuverability, etc. (as might be the case with a broken leg, foot, etc.) Unlike with Section II, Article 6, however, the handicapped are not to be taunted as with the genetic misfits if not awarded shotgun. Otherwise, taunting is okay.
Amendment XXXXVII: The Bribery Amendment. In the event that the shotgun call ends up in a tie between two passengers, the passengers in the tie may attempt to bribe the driver so that the driver makes the call in their favor. This rule is null and void, however if the driver institutes the Survival of the Fittest Rules. Examples of bribes are money, food and soda.
Amendment XXXXVIII: The Full View Amendment. The automobile must be in full view of all passengers before "Shotgun" may be called.
Amendment XXXXIV: The Second Call Amendment. If a given passenger calls a valid "shotgun", then he or she may not say "shotgun" again. By calling "shotgun" a second time, he or she would automatically forfeit their seat and shotgun is reopened to the other passengers.Other passengers are allowed to try to trick the person who originally says "shotgun" into saying it again, in order to claim shotgun for themselves.
Amendment L: Voiding. Whenever you break a Shotgun rule, you may be voided from receiving Shotgun privileges for that ride.
Amendment LI: Long Trips. The rules listed in our guide were created for short trips (1 hour or less). On longer trips, Shotgun can be divided equally among those who want it.
Amendment LII: The Rock Amendment. This rule states that once a passenger calls "Shotgun," he must also say, "No Rock." If the gunner does not say this, another passenger may call, "Rock." In this case Shotgun is awarded to the winner of a best of three, Rock, Paper, Scissors contest.
Amendment LIII: The Rotating Shotgun Rule. This rule is native to a suburb of Philadelphia, PA to ensure that everybody gets shotgun at least once per long road trip. • Before the first ride a passenger will call shotgun under the normal procedures, as stated in Section I of the Official Rules. • Once a passenger has had shotgun, he or she may not have shotgun again until everyone else has had shotgun. • Before the second ride, everyone (besides the person who has already had shotgun) competes for shotgun under the normal conditions. • This continues until the trip has either ended or if everyone has already had shotgun once. Once everyone has had shotgun, the "shotgun order" has been established. You must now rotate in that order. • The shotgun order recycles over and over until the trip is finished. • Person(s) joining the trip after the first ride are entered into the order by the following process: ----Clause A: On their first ride, the calling of gun is between that person and the person whose turn it is in the shotgun order. ----Clause B: if the order has not yet been established, the new rider is entered into the pool of riders calling for shotgun. • Driver still has final say in all ties and disputes. All rules from the Official rules, including special cases, and the Survival of the Fittest, are still in effect.
Amendment LIV: The Barefoot Rule. Since you must be outside to call Shotgun, some people will just grab their shoes, run outside, and call Shotgun before putting their shoes on. This is not valid. You must have your shoes on (if you plan to wear any) before you may call Shotgun. Amendment II: Re-entry. If you call Shotgun and then go back inside the building, you lose your Shotgun rights. While you are gone, someone else can call shotgun. If nobody does, you can call it when you go back.
Amendment LV: Hand On The Shotgun Door. Shotgun can no longer be called once someone's hand is holding the shotgun door handle. This is significant when nobody else is around to hear you call shotgun.
Amendment LVI: Sitting Down. By sitting in the Shotgun seat before anyone has called it, you get to stay there even if somebody calls it afterwards. Nobody needs to hear you actually call shotgun.

Quotes

I am starting a new entry for quotes because the other one got too long and it was starting to irritate me...

He held the cucumber for too long. - Gary

Christy's grandmother's nana is mangled. - Bill

Hey baby. I love you. Can we pierce your clit with a diamond stud? - Bill

I figure that if she dies, I have a better chance of picking her up. - James from Weatherford

She is dancing with the TV. - Catherine

Jesus beerboard causing quite a stir


(7/11/06 - KTRK/HOUSTON) - Sophisticated graffiti artists have left their mark near downtown Houston.

Someone covered up a billboard on La Branch at Winbern with a poster featuring a picture of Jesus Christ holding a Budweiser can. The company that leases the billboard believes vandals made the poster at home and then pasted it on top of the ad that's supposed to be there.

It shows Jesus holding a Budweiser in between the phrases "Jesus, King of Jews" and "Jesus, King of Beers."

"I thought that was just crazy," said commuter Jose Cazares. "It looks professional too."

Neighbors say the billboard has been up there for a week or more.

*********************

Remind me why people hate Houston? That's just good humor right there. I love this town!

The lovely things my friends write in emails:

These are 2 snippets from emails I have received this week. I will take them out of context, but trust me, they were either just as offensive or just as funny in context as they are out.

From Erik:

You're not dumb, and there's no need to hate yourself. You have plenty of friends who will gladly hate you instead.

From Victor:

Unfortunately, I took the resolution after last weekend to never drink ever again. It's my weekly Monday morning resolution. On Tuesdays, I usually quit smoking.

My friends are funny. I am so proud.

Moving Day.

From Erik:

In this article...
http://www.anu.edu.au/BoZo/orchid_pollination/
... there are types of orchids that smell like female wasps, so that the male wasps will get horny and attempt to mate with the flower. This is how the flower spreads its pollen.

So let's summarize.. we'll call the orchid "Laura" and the wasp "Tony". Laura needs something (pollen) moved from one place to another, so she lets Tony believe he will be getting sex. So Tony shows up in a powerful hurry, and takes the pollen where it needs to be. In the end, Laura got what she wanted, and Tony just screwed a plant.

Memo to guys sweating in UHaul trucks this summer: you are Tony.

******

I'm gonna be moving soon and might need some help [batting my eyes and trying to create cleavage]...

Stick Humor.

As we all know I am easily amused. I mean, I bought my dad the exact same Father's Day card two years in a row. It was hysterical both times. At least we know we know I am in no danger of maturing any time soon. Anyways, these pics tickled me. Enjoy the artisty...it is divine...









Hahahaha.

Loverly People.

So, there is a man with whom I am 'forced' to deal with on a weekly basis. We will call him Henry. I am not a huge fan. Henry thought it would be 'fun' for his girlfriend to come and join the party earlier this week. I thought I would be 'nice' and introduce myself. Let us not forget that I am typically not nice and I am especially not nice to people who are associated with people I don't like. Therefore, Henry's girlfriend was an immediate threat to my niceties. But I forged through it.

I went up to her and said, 'Hi, I'm Christy - we've heard a lot about you'. Which, of course was a lie, because men like Henry don't talk about their girlfriends...but whatever. Her response to my friendly greeting was 'okay'. Hahahahaha.

Let's recap:

Me: 'Hi, I'm Christy - we've heard a lot about you'
Henry's GF: 'Okay'

Yea, please Henry's GF, don't tell me your name or try to be a decent human being. Just sit there and continue to look hungry. Henry, give the girl a sandwich. She's starving. But seriously, who responds with 'okay' to a polite introduction? Apparently, Henry's GF does.

Sooooooo...once more notch on the list of why I don't like Henry.

All of this after my horoscope said I would have a romantic evening on Saturday night...instead my man-toy fell asleep in lieu of picking me up for dinner. Stupid horoscope. More like horrorscope.

Quoteables...I am going to start a log of quoteable things me and my pals say. Email me if you remember something...

He must of had a 10 foot schlong. -My dear mother

Fried and weiner all in one bite!! -My dear father

Do we not have a toilet with two pots? -My mom

I have an aversion to kolaches after a night with the Scotsman. -Kate

I can't remember the name...Egyptian Monkey F*ck or something? -Mom

The moral of this story is to be careful around homsexual animals. And never wear beef scented panties. - Me

Throw it in her dumper. -Tye

Do you want some Cheerios? And by Cheerios, I mean, do you want to bang? -Zach

After we were done I made kids who misbehave pick up the tecticles with their hands. -Boot

It's like a Mike and Ike, but brown. -Kate

Did you know that if you search 'plastic surgery' on the internet, you can see penis enlargements? -Monica

Seriously, you're in a cover band. -Kate

I shit my pants, can I get in your yours? -Coy

I'd say that there is about an 80/30 chance. -Dan

Is that a monkey on that horse? -Jim

I mean, we had to have sex, I wasn't gonna put my hands or mouth on that thing. -anonymous

What the hell...did your father rape you when you were little? -Laura

Put the vagina away! -Paige

It's hot as crotch down here. - Janelle

Yeah, if Hitler had targeted cats instead of jews he would be on Mount Rushmore instead of the vilest mad man in recorded history. - Roy

What the hell is Laffy Taffy? Asshole? - Bartender at the airport bar

Why don't they have magnets with boobies and assholes? - Dani

No, dumbass. That would make her a sixteen-o-pus. - Kate

Dance on my pole. - Some guy at the beach

Open your throat and let it pour down. It's easier to swallow when you are on your knees. - LA Boyfriend

You look good for your age. - A sixteen year-old with a retainer

They make my stupid bird mouth look even birdier. -Jodie

He might as well have raised his leg and peed on you. - Unknown

I'll bring the crisco and the baby pool. - Zach

If I had known it was that kind of party I wouldn't have put my dick in the mashed potatoes. - Zach

It helps keep the stuff off the things they like to get on. - Cathy

Rumor has it that the Castleberry's get their meat for free. - Wehner

There's no such thing as lesbians. A lesbian is just a woman that hasn't met Tegwyn. - Wayne

Getting drunk before the play will also help you watch the sex scene between the two lead male actors. This is the approach I took before watching Brokeback Mountain the second and third times. - Wayne

I really like your sausage. -Mom

I like to drink heavily and use expletives. - Steve

The nachos I ate violated me at about 5:30 this morning. - Ed

The 1900's were 7 years ago, asswipe. -Ed

Here's a tip: Get a darker bra. - Bill

It's not like we were trollin' for ho's all weekend. - Ed

Life is beautiful to dumb people. I think that's why I'm so happy. - Christy

Who cares to survive? I just vive. - Victor

I'm glad we delcared our independence from you. - Laura

It's all about grabbing f*cking meat. - Bill

You can name it and you can pet it. - Tommy

Do you have nipples? Can you milk me? - Bill

You're not supposed to flash your children. -Mom

I could eat the butt out of a skunk. - Mom

I farted and sneezed at the same time. - Mom

It's kinda like eating a tampon. - Katy and Hokom (combined effort)

That's why he has fat crotch. - Katy

Sluttiness is just a bad word for freedom of mind. - Victor

"It's hard as shit to burn a motorcycle," said Ronan. "No it's not, it's easy," replied Victor.

Any sport that you can wear a cardigan in... - Richard

There is nothing wrong with a bit of veal. - Richard

I think your dong just touched me. - Jeff

Oh no ma'am, I'm hung like a pencil. These are just gelatinous drawers. -Roy

No sexual taking out the contacts. - An unknown party associated with Wehner

I'm a 'mo, ya know? - Danny

When my tow got carred. - Bill

Your liver will stop hating you the day it is removed from your body and begins it's life as a door stop in some doctors hill country retreat home. - Roy